Almost News

SA Fail In Bid To Host Gaddafi

2011-08-23T16:31:00.001+02:00

South Africa has failed in its bid to host Libyan dictator, Muammar Gaddafi, yesterday, when it was discovered he[Gaddafi] preferred to go into hiding somewhere else.The South African public has reacted with bitter disappointment to the announcement, as the South African bid had been widely tipped to succeed.

President of South Africa, Jacob Zuma, said shortly after,"Of course the disappointment we're experiencing today is massive, we were confident that our bid was the best from all bidding countries, obviously Gadaffi had a view that was a different from ours. However, we wish to convey our best wishes to the winning nation."

Analysts say the major drawback in South Africa's bid was the high crime rate and poor transport facilities within the country. Another major point of contention for Mr. Gadaffi would have been the lack of opportunity to take over South Africa and rule without serious opposition for 40+ years.

President Zuma does not appear disillusioned by the bid failure, and President Zuma is reported to have said,"We remain confident in our ability as a country to provide a safe haven for despot dictators and we are in fact planning a bid for Syrian president, Bashar Al-Assad, once he becomes available."

Waseem -Allegedly- Dawood

Captain America Release Date Angers Muslims

2011-05-10T17:14:00.001+02:00

Muslims in South Africa were extremely disappointed to discover that Captain America, the slightly less popular Marvel character, movie will be released during the holy month of Ramadaan.

Ramadaan is the month in which Muslims fast all day and pray at night, so many Muslims will have to forgo the experience of another Marvel movie for the year. Angry and annoyed Muslims took to twitter to complain about the lack of foresight by the distributors of Captain America.

One of the more obscure tweeters, Moulana Waheed tweeted, "Captain America releasing during Ramadaan, more Anti-Islamic propaganda by the Western kuffar. First OBL now this! #amrikashaitaan"

Many political scientists have scorned such a release date as totally against the idea of a peaceful South Africa and have warned such a move could result in terrorist activities, such as popcorn thrown in cinemas, boycotting of Coca Cola and other heinous Islamist tools.

Some astute observers have drawn parallels between this and the Jewish community complaining over Coldplay tour dates, but most analysts have called such observations ridiculous saying, "When have you ever seen a Jewish terrorist?"

Waseem -Allegedly- Dawood

Egyptian Man Tired Of Egypt Tweets

2011-02-17T10:49:00.001+02:00

The people of Egypt celebrated a victory last Friday, when they were able to force the resignation of the unpopular former president Hosni Mubarak. Social media and Twitter specifically were largely credited with aiding and fueling the revolution, however it seems some people have grown tired of the revolution tweets.

Ali Ali Ali, a local Egyptian man, has grown tired with the vast amount of tweets about Egypt and feels like Twitter is dead for him now. "I follow Twitter for the comedians and the funny celebrity death stories, but now everything is Egypt, Egypt, Egypt." said Ali [Ali Ali]. "I'm not against the revolution but I'm fed up of my 'Yo Momma Joke' tweets being flooded out."

Ali Ali Ali's pleas, however, have fallen on deaf ears as international social media activists have pushed on with tweeting their ever-changing emotions every five minutes. Jay Hippy, one of the self proclaimed Egypt afficianados, said from his comfortable home in Sandton, " We are just trying to show our support and empathy for our brave brothers and sisters in Egypt", who then went on to tweet, "It is raining in Egypt, today we are all getting rained on #jan25".

Some people however don't seem to bothered either way by the Egypt tweets. Deposed president, Hosni Mubarak, said, "I don't get any of those tweets, I don't get any of those tweets". On closer inspection it appears as Mubarak didn't receive the tweets due to the fact he follows just one person, Lady Gaga, and has one tweet which reads "Can't read my, can't read my pokerface #jan25".

Waseem -Allegedly- Dawood

SA Launch eWikileaks

2010-12-20T14:43:00.000+02:00

Based on the popularity of the international version of Wikileaks, a South African version has also sprung up, calling itself 'eWikileaks'. Founder, Julius Assangeni, said, "This is not to be associated in any way with that crap TV channel. Our aim, similarly to our international counterpart, is to expose the deep dark secrets of our country like the controversial Arms deal and where Patricia De Lille gets her ridiculous outfits from."

The first set of leaks from eWikileaks, coinciding with the 150th anniversary of Indians arriving in South Africa, pertained to South Africa's Indian community. The first leak confirmed the long held belief that the indentured laborers were in fact fooled into believing that they were leaving their beloved India for greener pastures. The leak reads "The 1860 settlers actually believed they were moving up to Joburg to make more money and get to away from their nosy and overbearing families."

Some of the leaks threaten to cause an uproar amongst the Indian community. One of these leaks details that Mahatma Gandhi, the renowned activist, didn't in fact live in Phoenix as previously believed but in fact lived in the luxurious suburb of Umhlanga. This has prompted some of the betrayed Phoenix community members to call for the name of the Mahatma Gandhi Memorial Hospital to be changed to Naidoo's Tuckshop Memorial Hospital.

The most damning and shocking leak however, was of a more recent Indian South African celebrity. The leak read, "Minority Front leader, Amichand Rajbansi's hair is real!"

Waseem -Allegedly- Dawood

Woolworths SA To Become Christian Book Store

2010-10-20T18:18:00.002+02:00

Due to the immense popularity of Christian magazines, Woolworths SA have decided to become a Christian book store. Initially, Woolworths SA had removed Christian magazines of their shelves because of the lack of popularity, but due to the public outcry, Woolworths decided to put the magazines back on their shelves. Afterwards, gaging from the response to the magazines' removal, Woolworths realised there was much more money in Christian literature than previously thought, and promptly decided to become a Christian bookstore in preparation for the masses of Christians looking for Christian literature, who will surely descend upon their store.

"So as not to offend anyone, we also plan on opening Islamic, Buddhist, Hindu, Satanist and Scientologist book stores," announced Woolworth's PRO, Kev In."We might look into getting into the food and clothing game at a later date, but at the moment Christian magazines is just too much of a lucrative industry for us to ignore."

Many Christians have rejoiced at the announcement but have confirmed they still don't plan to buy any Christian magazines from Woolworths or anywhere else for that matter. "The announcement by Woolworths is another victory for us Christians, of course this doesn't mean we want to buy magazines or any Christian literature, but just having the option makes us happy." said Maggie Buyer, spokesperson for the People for Christian Magazines in Stores Even Though We Don't Wanna Buy Them (PCMSETWDWBT). When asked why she would not buy any Christian magazines, Maggie replied, "Are you insane? Those magazines are like R69, Huis Genoot is only R12. "

However, athiests and some other religious organisations are quite outraged by Woolworths decision. "How dare they remove and put back Christian magazines in Woolworths?" said NoGod McGinty. "I previously had no interest in Christian magazines and didn't even know Woolworths sold them but now I am outraged they do and even had the audacity to put them back! Saying that, I really hope an event like this happens again so I can make fun of Christians' belief on Facebook pages once more. It is so much fun!"

Waseem -Allegedly- Dawood

"Stephen Hawking doesn't exist"- God

2010-09-16T17:52:00.001+02:00

The world was rocked the revelation by the All Powerful God, that world famous British physicist and cosmologist, Stephen Hawking does not actually exist. This revelation comes after a book allegedly written by the alleged Mr. Hawking claiming that God was not necessary to explain the creation of the universe.

The entire science world is left reeling with revelation that one of their preeminent scholars may not actually exist. Although not actually having seen him, many scientists held the strong belief he existed and held his theories and proofs in the highest regard. One scientist commented,"My brain feels like a black hole. I can't believe that we took his existence as gospel for all these years, this feels like a M. Night Shyamalan movie. What a twist!"

A nurse, Elaine Mason, who thought she worked for the non-existent Mr. Hawking has been left bewildered and confused. Ms. Mason said, "I remember there was such a person as Stephen Hawking and then I stepped out and all of a sudden there was a Big Bang and it was like he never existed. Did he ever exist?"

The Almighty God, who himself is planning another tell all book, hot on the heels of his previous bestsellers, the Bible and the Quran, proclaimed,"A disabled man, who rolls around in a chair, talks through a computer, writes books and does science seems quite far-fetched to Me. Can't imagine who came up with that one."

Waseem -Allegedly- Dawood

Strikers Striking Against The Strike

2010-09-02T11:48:00.001+02:00

Public servants in South Africa astonished the country today when they 'picked up tools' and announced that they would be striking against strike action. In a move analysts are calling 'getting back to work', public servants claim they had grown frustrated with all the striking and decided to strike against the strike.

One of those involved in the new strike against the strike, Lucky Strikes, said "It's just not as fun as it used to be. We have been striking for so long we don't even know what we are striking for, I mean except the money. When it all started we used to be in it for the love of toy-toying, I remember even once one of the unions misread the memo and thought we were streaking. That was so embarrassing!"

Petrol attendants have also been left somewhat bemused over strike action. Petrol Mafela said "They are getting people to do our jobs while we aren't there so I don't see the point of us striking as our absence is not felt. I mean we aren't even paid by the government."

Government officials are left confused on how to deal with this new reverse psychology type of striking and readily acceded to the strikers demands of 7.500001%, rather than the 7.5% that government were offering. The 20c extra will come as great news to manufacturers of 20c coins all over the country.

The possible end to strike action has left some of the strikers hesitant towards any future strike action. Veteran striker, Strikes Mashaba contemplated,"Perhaps instead of striking, we should work harder and earn our increases by merit like the rest of the private sector workers. Haha, just kidding, we will see you next year, same strike time, same striking place."

Waseem -Allegedly- Dawood

Charoubook helps you connect with your bras

2010-08-04T16:52:00.000+02:00

Hot on the heels of Muslimbook, 'the first full-featured Muslim social networking site', Preggy from the sevens in Phoenix and his bra Logie from the elevens in Chassies, announced yesterday, that they have decided to launch their own Durban Indian social networking site, Charoubook. Preggy exclusively informed Almost News the reason behind the site. "See yer, charous like to chune, right? So why don't we have a site and all? I chuned my bra Logie, and he reckoned 'Ya cameway, let's dalla one.'"

When asked how Charoubook will differ from the hugely popular Facebook, Preggy said,"Cos check yer it will be for charous isn't? Facebook is lucker and all but we'll have one two top features like what's happening at the Lugs page and Muthu Murugan page. Yoh, that ou is such a ripper." Other features include charou terminology replacing all the regular wording on the site. For eg. Home will be changed to posse, like will be changed to smaak, and what's on your mind will be changed to whatkine for you bra? The traditional Facebook poke will be replaced by a dalla. Preggy's bra Logie also said, "We working on one two other things but we can't chune you'll now."

Charous have been in South Africa for 150 years now and have been meeting their connections ever since. Preggy and Logie feel Charoubook is the ideal medium for charous to meet all their connections and 'chune them whatkind'.

The inception of a Charoubook has given some people cause to question their identity however. Mo Khan from Silverglen said,"I'm a slamou and a charou so whatkind? Must I join Charoubook or Muslimbook? Or maybe Facebook? I have a face also."

Waseem -Allegedly- Dawood

"I'm Too Sexy For The Bank"

2010-06-08T15:50:00.006+02:00

Scandal has rocked the American financial sector last week, when it was discovered a good looking woman was fired for being too good looking. Debrahlee Lorenzana, the apparently jaw-droppingly beautiful woman who distracts all the male employees with her hotness, claims she has always been harassed for her good looks and was subsequently fired through no other fault than her (insert-deity-name-here)-given beauty.

Lorenzana, who spends her money on designer clothes, found herself unable to afford clothing which complied to the company's dress code and was subsequently fired for being too attractive for the workplace. She was then led to file for unemployment which made her depressed but still really too hot to work. The tragedy really hit home when she and her son skipped gift-giving on Christmas, which made her decide to sue Citibank for discriminating her hotness.

Her attorney seeing the validity in this gorgeous woman's case promptly took her for a photo-shoot to highlight her plight. "Hot people shouldn't have to suffer this kind of discrimination, that should be reserved for ugly people" said her attorney. Lorenzana does not know how many more jobs her hotness will continue to cost her to lose,but she plans on continuing to be hot.

In other news, an average looking woman was fired for being too average looking. Male employees of Pseudo Company complained their work experiences were too forgettable and demanded a hot woman to make their trips to work more worthwhile. "Maybe we will get Debrahlee Lorenzana," said one hopeful male employee.

Waseem -Allegedly- Dawood

Facebook Not Quit

2010-06-02T17:10:00.001+02:00

This past Monday was QuitFacebookDay and for the 2 people who actually participated, the event was an absolute success. As many as 5 people registered for the much-hyped and sparsely participated event to quit Facebook over privacy concerns, but the other 3 people registered again soon after quitting, unable to cope with the ignominy of not having a Facebook account.

Zark Muckerberg, one of the two people who actually quit, didn't feel 'Facebook had much respect for him or his data'. Muckerberg said 'I put up private stuff on Facebook on my own volition, and I expect a free site, which I do not contribute to monetarily, to respect my privacy because I don't feel I have to respect my own. Facebook should do this for me.'

One of the Facebook reverts, who quit initially, and soon afterward signed up again, said, "I could not handle not knowing what my friends, neighbours, colleagues and that guy I met yesterday were doing. I signed up again but now I face the real uphill battle, adding all my friends again."

Facebook were quite upset to discover of the quitting of the two users.A Facebook spokesperson said,"Here at Facebook we treasure each and every one of our users from John Smith, with that weird goat fetish to Peter Williams, whose password is marmalade. Every user is like a people we may know."

Peter Williams, whose password is marmalade and a regular Facebook user, was asked if he would quit Facebook. Williams, whose password is marmalade, replied,"Quit Facebook? Are you mad? Who would water my Farmville crop?"

Waseem -Allegedly- Dawood

Beauty helps end terrorism

2010-05-17T15:58:00.002+02:00

Rima Fakih stumbled into the world Muslim population's hearts last night when she won the Miss USA pageant at Planet Hollywood Resort & Casino on the Las Vegas Strip. The significant achievement of a Muslim woman overcoming all odds to win the pageant brought a tear to many a heavily kohled eye.

This morning, Al Qaeda released a video calling off all terrorist activity against the United States. The masked spokesperson was translated as saying, "We shall no longer perpetrate any terrorist activity against the United States and all of its organisations, due to the fact that the country is now represented by one of us. We have also forgiven her transgression of being in the City of Sins and not wearing a headscarf because she looked so beautiful. Truly she is the most beautiful Miss USA since Ali Landry."

The Miss USA organisers however were quite taken aback by the discovery that a Muslim woman had won the pageant. When asked about how the organisation felt about being represented by a Muslim, organisers seemed unconvinced. "Are you sure she is Muslim? She doesn't dress like them with all those burka things. Have you seen how much of skin she shows?"

Although scantily clad, Fakih seems to have been well received by even the strictest practitioners of the faith. Sheikh, who wished to remain anonymous, when asked on what he thought of Rima Fakih, replied smiling,"Shi'ite."

Waseem -Allegedly- Dawood

Ricky Martin Comes Out of Closet. Surprises Noone

2010-03-30T16:07:00.001+02:00

In an announcement that surprised precisely nobody, Ricky Martin, the one time singer, revealed that he is indeed gay. While no-one was surprised that he was gay, when the singer came out of the closet on his website, many were surprised to discover that Ricky Martin had a website. "Ricky Martin has a website! Wtf for?" seemed to be the general response to his announcement.

Ricky Martin's agent, hoping to cash in on the buzz of publicity the announcement has created, also revealed that Ricky will now re-release all his previous love songs and change the wording to reflect his current sexual status. Songs to be changed include She's all I ever had, which will now be called He's All I Ever Had and Living La Vida Loca, which will now be called Living La Vida Homo.

Ricky Martin also plans to release his memoirs detailing his life and career. The 3 page book will discuss his life in Puerto Rico, the 3 songs he once sang and how he became a Twitter Trending Topic. When asked if he was not concerned that his lack of fame would doom the 3 page book before it was even published, Ricky replied,"I could always just claim I had an affair, the media tends to love that stuff."

Waseem - Allegedly- Dawood

World Rejoices As Avatar Does Not Win Best Film Oscar

2010-03-10T14:51:00.003+02:00

Most of the world collectively breathed a sigh of relief when Avatar deservedly did not win the Best Film Oscar at the recent Academy Awards function. After Avatar's recent Golden Globe win for Best Film, many feared that the Oscars would follow suit and award the vastly over-rated and entirely rubbish Avatar, Best Film for 2009. Not since the gay cowboy drama, Brokeback Mountain, which was basically about cowboys being gay, has the world been so fearful of a Best Film nominee.

George Clooney, whose movie Up In The Air was also nominated for Best Film, said "Man, we really dodged a bullet there. Imagine if Avatar actually won the Oscar, that would just open the door for other crap movies like Twilight to win." When asked if he was disappointed that his own movie didn't win, he replied, "Nah, as long Avatar didn't win, the world is safe for another year."

Among the few people who were upset that Avatar did not win was Tayrou Hanou, who (stupidly) has named himself as a Na'vi and only speaks and acknowledges Na'vi as a language. Hanou said "Kaltxì. Ngaru lu fpom srak?" Almost News refuses to translate this, because we cannot be bothered with this crap.

James Cameron was also unsurprisingly upset about the Oscar snub. "I spend 10 years making this movie and I don't even freaking win the Best Movie award. This is blatant Na'vi-ism." When asked if he wanted to win why he did not have at least an original/interesting story, Cameron replied, "Who cares about story, I had flying dinosaur bird things! Flying dinosaur bird things!"

Waseem -Allegedly- Dawood

Infidelity Is A Fashion Statement

2010-02-24T10:12:00.001+02:00

Due to sudden spate of infidelity by high profile celebrities around the world, such as Tiger Woods, John Terry and Jacob Zuma, infidelity is being seen as the new in thing amongst the fashion conscious across the world. From catwalks of Milan to the dusty streets of Stanger, men all over the world are indulging in extra-marital affairs in order to stay with the in crowd.

Jean-Paul Cardin of Milan has revealed although he loved his wife and didn't feel the need to cheat on his wife, he was forced to do so due to peer pressure. Being in the highly fashionable career as a fashion designer, he felt for his family's sake he had to be at the pinnacle of fashion, including sneaking around his wife's back and sleeping with a secretary/model and/or a friend's wife/daughter/partner. Mr Cardin said, "It is like how the American Ice-T said 'Don't hate the playa, hate the game'. "

Wives have also begun to accept infidelity as a fashion trend. Savatri Pillay of Stanger recently discovered her 52 year old husband Balan's infidelity and was surprised to learn the reason was due to him trying to follow the latest fashion trend. She has however accepted that one cannot fight fashion.Mrs. Pillay said "Oyo what must do if it's the fashions? I didn't know he was so fashionable and all." When asked if her husband's infidelity could lead to divorce she replied," Oyo I can't divorce and all, you know how people will talk."

To complement the recent trend, Calvin Klein have decided to come out with a new fragrance called Infidelity to suit the trendy men who are out and about committing infidelity. The new fragrance is said to smell of lies, excuses and cheap lipstick.

Waseem -Allegedly- Dawood

"Not R3,50, a 350Z!"

2010-01-22T15:05:00.000+02:00

A Cape Town businessman, who callously gave two car guards his Audi R8 for watching his car, has set a horrible precedent for other motorists, as all over the country, car guards have only been accepting sports cars for their services. Motorists are being forced to choose between acceding to the car guard's demands of a sports car or leave their cars unattended.

Helen Thomas, a Sandton resident, has already been forced to give car guards 2 Aston Martins and a Audi TT this week. Thomas, a regular visitor to Sandton City, has only 2 sports cars left, a Lamborghini and a Mazda RX8, is concerned that if the trend does not die down soon she will have to part with both her sports cars and be left with just her Mercedes S Class. When asked why she doesn't rather use the pay parkade, she replied, "Are you crazy? Those things are like R10 an hour!"

The trend has definitely benefited the car guards however, and they are now able to pretend to guard cars within the luxury of their very own sports cars. Dennis Nkosi, a car guard from the Kingsmead Stadium in Durban, who now sits watching cars from the comfort of his newly acquired Lamborghini Gallardo, said,"We [the car guards] are now getting the payment we deserve for pretending to watch over cars." There are some problems with sudden influx of sports cars though, as Nkosi explained. "We do have a problem with too many car guards parking in the places our customers are supposed to park in but we hope to resolve that by building our own car guard parking complex next to the stadium itself. "

There are a few motorists however, who do not have sports cars to tip car guards with and are being forced to either pay the truly exorbitant pay parkade fees or park at home and walk to their chosen destination. One such pedestrian, an 18 year old Preggie Naidoo, who owns just a 1992 Toyota Corolla, refuses to begrudge the car guards for their sensational tips. "One day I hope to be able to afford a sports car to tip the car guard with, or maybe even become a car guard myself ", said Naidoo optimistically.

Waseem -Allegedly- Dawood

Breaking News : Hakuna Matata actually means Fuck Off

2009-10-23T16:32:00.001+02:00

(Im actually killing two birds with one stone here - doing Kays writing challenge and a quick almost news piece.

Walt Disneys animated classic, The Lion King is at the centre of a new controversy this week after it was alleged that the movie contained profanity not suitable for children. This revelation came in the form of a paper presented at the Global African Culture conference this monday. Respected Proffessor of Linguistics and African Studies, Prof Lebo M. described his shock at first encountering the 'swear words' when he was in America earlier this year.

'Who told Walt Disney that Hakuna Matata meant No Worries in Swahili?' asked the respected scholar and researcher to a packed auditorium in Kinshasa. 'It is nothing more than American arogance to insinuate such a thing without even consulting a single person who speaks Swahili. If this was a joke by some underpaid and overworked scritpwriter, I am here to say, It is not funny!'

Almost News interviewed the Director of the movie, Rob Minkoff who just brushed it off as some tribe trying to cash in on the movies success. Dont they know that this movie is bigger than some small language that no one speaks?

(Ok, times up. I wont edit or anything - I did check up the directors name before starting though)

Kanye West Converts to Islam

2009-09-15T20:57:00.001+02:00

Infamous Rapper and Music Producer,Kanye West, joins a large group of celebrities who have embraced Islam as their new faith.

The award winning Producer took the shahadah eleven months ago while promoting his Clothing line 'Past Tell' in Iran. Unlike most Celebrity converts to Islam who have converted to Sunni Islam, Kanye has been influenced by Islams largest minority group, The Shia.

Often seen with Irans Supreme Leader Ayatollah Khamenei, Kanye represents a more hip and approachable form of belief to young Shiaas all over the world. When asked about Irans Nuclear programme at a recent press conference, Kanye Said that this was a conspiracy because "George Bush doesnt care about Arab People"

The often controversial Rapper has also re-recorded some of his songs as a means of expressing his new faith. "Ali Walks" (an adaptation of hit single 'Jesus Walks') is a firm favourite in downtown Tehran. "Cat Stevens did it with Peace Train and Wild World so why not" said West.

The artist recently upset those at the National Islamic Society of North America conference last week by interrupting Professor Tariq Ramadans keynote address on the Khulafa E Rashideen by grabbing the mike from the Oxford Intellectual and saying "Yo Ramadan, Imma let you finish But Ali was supposed to be the first Caliph", before being booed off stage.

MJ 'Claims' Khan

High School Musical 4: Now with X-Men

2009-09-02T13:42:00.003+02:00

The world was stunned this past Monday with the news that Disney had bought Marvel in a stock and cash transaction worth 4 billion dollars. The announcement left many Marvel fans in shock, and are now living in abject fear of possible crossovers. Living up to their moniker of dream butchers, Disney have announced their first crossover to be released sometime next year, High School Musical 4: Now with X-Men.

The 4th installment of the immensely popular, yet immensely stupid, movie series High School Musical will reprise most of its cast and will see the High School Musical gang join a new school called Professor C's School for Gifted Dancers. This new movie will see the kids learn that everyone is special in their own way as well as some other life lessons along the way.

While most of High School Musical cast will remain the same, there will be a few changes made to the X-Men cast to appeal to their mostly younger audience. Professor C* (formerly Professor X) will now have the ability to make people fall in love (instead of telepathy) while Peace (formerly known as Rogue) now has the ability to make anyone she touches smile. X-Men fans will be pleased to know Wolverine has kept his name although he no longer has his adamantium skeleton and his super healing but instead has the ability to heal others. Wolverine's role is said to be the hot male nurse of the school.

A number of other Disney/ Marvel crossovers are also planned including Silver Surfing: The Suite Life, Camp Rock 2: Meet Camp Counselor Hulk, Jonas Brothers Learns To Iron Man and Spider Montana.

* - C is short for Cupid

Waseem -Allegedly- Dawood

Nuptials No Joyride For Nachts

2009-08-06T12:13:00.000+02:00

The popular magic carpet ride, 1001 Nachts, broke down today, and then burst into tears, in what was a rare display of emotion from the normally inanimate ride. The ride later revealed that he is totally depressed and devastated about his upcoming nuptials with Miss Amy Wolfe.

A Ferris wheel close to Nachts claims he never consented to the marriage in the first place, and he was of the belief that he had a purely business relationship with Miss Wolfe. The Ferris Wheel even claimed that the upcoming wedding has affected his work performance. "Nachts had plenty of ups and downs before, but he seems to be down all the time now."

Nachts himself admitted, marriage to Miss Wolfe was not his idea and he in fact had other plans for his future. "Like all other fairground rides, I've always wanted a family of my own, maybe marry a merry go round and have a couple of tilt-a-whirls, but this is definitely not what I had in mind."

Miss Wolfe's family and friends also seem to be against the marriage. Miss Wolfe's less ugly sister, Maria Defy, who is married to a refrigerator, remarked, "He is just taking her for a ride!"

Waseem -Allegedly- Dawood

Obama Slams Terrorist Attack

2009-06-23T11:35:00.002+02:00

President Obama is being lauded a hero after single-handedly defending the White House against a terrorist attack, last Wednesday. The attack perpetrated by known Al-Qaeda operative, Dubban Al Bait, was promptly put to an end by Obama, after the fly failed to heed Obama's warning of "Get out of here!"

The execution of Dubban Al Bait has left Al Qaeda reeling and many operatives have been left shocked with Obama's ruthless treatment of their beloved operative. Osama Bin Laden, in a secret video to Youtube, said,"Dubban was a prince among flies, and is surely in heaven right now, surrounded by many other virgin flies, or whatever it is flies like. Dubban's sacrifice will not be forgotten and our retaliation will be swift and devastating. Death to the Infidels!"

Dubban's mission was believed to have been to buzz around the Oval Office until Obama out of frustration and helplessness was driven to suicide. Although Obama's quick reflexes have seemingly saved the day, he is not naive enough to believe the threat is over. He[Obama] said, "If we do not respond to these attacks, Al Qaeda and other terrorist empathisers such as Iran, may resort to even worse attacks. Next time it could be a mosquito!"

Waseem -Allegedly-Dawood

De Lille Falls For Parliament Prank

2009-06-04T15:50:00.002+02:00

Patricia De Lille, leader of the Independent Democrats, fell victim to a serious prank yesterday, when she was led to believe that the State of the Nation Address was a costume party. De Lille's as yet unidentified costume was the talk of the day, even overshadowing President Zuma's State of the Nation speech, as well as blinding a few other Members of Parliament.

De Lille was however not upset about being pranked and felt happy to breathe some color into proceedings. When asked who she was pretending to be, De Lille replied,"Isn't it obvious?" To which many bystanders replied, "No, it's not!"

"Ha Ha!" remarked President Zuma.

Waseem -Allegedly- Dawood

Babe Star Flies Off The Handle

2009-05-13T15:00:00.001+02:00

It was pandemonium on the sets of the soon to be released movie Babe: Pig in Space, today, when the lead star, Hwan Nwan, erupted into sneezing fit while shooting. Many of the cast and crew scattered from the sets, disrupting the entire day's shooting.

Many of the cast and crew have since refused to come back, and labeled the set as a 'death trap'. The Cow, who chose to remain anonymous, said "Moo!". While Magda Szubanski, who reprises her role as Farmer Hoggett's wife revealed,"There has been alot of tension ever since Hwan, which sounds suspiciously Mexican, refused to admit or deny to the role of pigs in recent H1/N1 epidemic."

Hwan, the series star, as well as the star of many other blockbusters such as Jurassic Pork, Hamistad and Ocean's Eleven, found the cast and crew's reaction appalling and distasteful. "I have been been working with most of them for almost 15 years, and I would have expected more support in this trying time. Especially since I was so supportive to Ferdinand during the days of bird flu, and to The Cow during the days of mad cow disease. This is blatant speciesm!"

Director Chris Noonan, however, has remained upbeat and thinks that the situation will blow over, but found Hwan's claims of speciesm totally absurd and was forced to give Hwan a talk over his accusations."I told him that this was the last I wanted to hear such hogwash, I said,'That'll do, Pig. That'll do.'"

Waseem -Allegedly- Dawood

Pirates of the Somalian

2009-04-16T11:41:00.000+02:00

Just days after the recent hostage crisis, where Somali pirates were killed and the kidnapped captain was rescued, an unnamed source has revealed the mysterious origins of the infamous Somali pirates.

Asad ibn Blackbeard, who chose to remain anonymous, claims the origins could be traced back to 'Talk Like a Pirate Day', when many of the Somali men enjoyed talking as pirates so much, they decided they would enjoy nothing more than to be pirates all year around more. Anonymous [Asad] said,"Aye, it be startin' innocent enough, when all we be lootin' is our sisters kitchen for a biscuit or two. Arrr, those were the days. But pretty soon me matey Masood ibn LongJohn be buyin' us lubbers a vessel of our very own."

Since then, Asad claims, there were 'many a booty to be had', but disaster struck soon after. "Shiver me timbers, that Pirates of Carribean 3 movie be comin' out, and it be no longer savvy to be a pirate. We be tryin' to give up but after a while we be sayin' Arrrr, and started up again."

According to the Kenyan foreign minister, Somali pirates have received over US$150 million during the 12 months prior to November 2008, which has led Barack Obama to call for immediate action. When asked how he[Obama] proposes to combat the pirates, President Obama said,"I will be sending an elite task force of Somali Ninjas, because everyone knows pirates worst enemies are ninjas."

Waseem -Allegedly-Dawood

Dalai Lama Peaced Off

2009-03-24T00:30:00.000+02:00

Tibetan spiritual leader, Dalai Lama has been denied a visa to South Africa as 'A visit now by the Dalai Lama would move the focus from South Africa' according to Kgalema Motlanthe, SA President. "It's my country and I will cry if I want to," said the President."And I will also invite who I want."

Denying any involvement of China, Motlanthe's senior advisor, Wen Wu said, "Plesident no risten to China, he onry risten to me and other tlusted advisor, Hong Li and Hui Chen." Mr. Wu did however concede that China is 'vely important fleind of South Aflica'.

A spokesman for the Dalai Lama said he was "very disappointed" by the decision but surprisingly defiant and has claimed, "I didn't wanna come for your stupid conference anyway."

Despite the multiple outcries of disappointment from political parties and the public at large, several business owners have applauded the President's decision. "Darai Rama come, we no get stock. We no get stock, we no get money. Kgarema make light decision."

Waseem -Allegedly- Dawood

New President of Madagascar 'likes to move it, move it'

2009-03-19T00:17:00.000+02:00

Madagascar's constitutional court has declared His Royal Highness, the illustrious King Julian the XIII, self-proclaimed lord of the lemurs, et cetera, et cetera, the new president of the Indian Ocean island. His appointment has come a day after former president, Marc Ravalomanana, was swept from office by the army.

On his appointment, King Julian thanked the army, "After much deep and profound brain things inside my head, I have decided to thank you for bringing peace to our home." He also sang out his credentials to several thousand fans celebrating in May 13 Square in the capital, Antananarivo. 'I am very clever king... tok tok tok tok... I am super genius... I am robot king of the monkey thing... compute... compute.'

Although UN chief Ban Ki-moon expressed concern, many of King Julian's fellow African leaders have embraced Madagascar's new president, including Robert Mugabe, president of Zimbabwe, who found common ground between Africa's youngest leader and himself. Mugabe said,'He likes to move it, move it. We like to ... move it.'

Waseem -Allegedly- Dawood

Schabir Shaik Sick Swears Doctors

2009-03-04T10:41:00.006+02:00

Due to the huge public outcry, and immense political condemnation, the medical doctors responsible for advising the parole board to allow Schabir Shaik on medical parole, have today decided to speak out on the terminal illness of Mr. Shaik and quash all misconceptions over their high profile decision.

Dr. Q. Uack, speaking from his newly purchased home in Sandton, informed journalists that Mr. Shaik was suffering from a rare and fatal strain of HSV (Home Sickness Virus)."We attempted curing the virus by feeding him home-cooked meals and various other takeouts he used to enjoy, as well as allowing him time out with his son, but he seemed non-responsive to treatment and we were forced to recommend medical parole."

Dr. Joseph Kenilworth of the Joseph Oxford Kenilworth Edwards University, another of the attending doctors, was shocked to find Mr. Shaik suffering from severe depression. "Never in all my years as a doctor have I ever found a prisoner to be suffering from depression. We had to act quickly before the depression spread and many more prisoners became depressed about prison life." Dr Kenilworth however reassured the public that he believed that they had managed to catch the dreaded disease in time.

Dr. F. Ake, another attending doctor, whose credentials include visited the doctor on many occasions, said,"The man[Shaik] is sick, for godsakes, he could die at any minute." When queried as to how long Mr. Shaik had to live, Dr. Ake said,"I don't know. What do I look like? A doctor? "

Waseem -Allegedly- Dawood

SAA in Coke Bust

2009-02-19T14:43:00.001+02:00

The twelve member crew of a recent SAA flight to Iraq was detained in the capital of Baghdad, this past Monday, after being found with over R2 million worth of Coke in their possession.

The highly publicised arrest has brought about mixed feelings amongst the population of Iraq, with many outraged at the confiscation so far as to protests being held outside the airport. While others have written in to government congratulating them on the efforts to eradicating Coke from the country.

"This day is a victory for those opposed to Coke, and will help all those addicts in combatting this dreaded substance" said refreshment business owner, Humza Ku Ee Al Haq.

However many find the arrest as contradicting the very concept of a democratic Iraq and find the confiscation violating the peoples' right to choice.

"We do not care about the damage Coke does to our bodies, we feel they are our bodies to damage. Also, Pepsi is crap" proclaimed Coke addict leader, Ali Uwais Koka Kola.

Waseem -Allegedly- Dawood

Hansel wins Male Model of the Year

2009-01-15T11:08:00.000+02:00

Audiences were left in awe yesterday, at the Vh1 Male Model Awards yesterday, when male model newcomer, Hansel, pipped the favorite, Derek Zoolander, to the Best Male Model award.

While many were left surprised, Jacque Rabin Mugatu, famed fashion designer, was not one of them. "Hansel, he's so hot right now," he confided to Almost News insiders.

On receipt of his award, Hansel went about thanking his many heroes."Richard Gere's a real hero of mine. Sting. Sting would be another person who's a hero. The music he's created over the years, I don't really listen to it, but the fact that he's making it, I respect that."

Not everyone was as thrilled over Hansel's win, Derek Zoolander, a previous VH1 Best Male Model winner, had this to say. "Hansel? He thinks he is too cool for school, but I have a newsflash for him ... he isn't."

Waseem -Allegedly- Dawood

Zim Play Blame Game

2008-12-18T15:20:00.000+02:00

After recent reports by Zimbabwe's Information Minister, Sikhanyiso Ndlovu, blaming the cholera outbreak on "serious biological chemical war . . . a genocidal onslaught on the people of Zimbabwe by the British." Mr. Ndlovu also divulged many other shocking acts of atrocity committed by the rest of the world to the once strong and vibrant country.

"Our inflation is all due to the UN, when Kofi Annan, then secretary general, borrowed our Woolworths card, and bought many items on credit, which he failed to pay for, causing Woolworths to charge us vast amounts of interest, as well as tragically preventing us from ever shopping in Woolworths again. He has yet to return the card!" claimed Mr. Ndlovu, angrily.

"We have also been victims of various acts of terrorism which the international media fails to highlight. This very week, Al-Qaeda smashed my wife's car into the garage door, causing untold damage to our home and casting fear into the very hearts of the Zimbabwean people. The Al Qaeda also placed me, inebriated, into the drivers seat, casting doubt onto my flawless character."

Zimbabwean opposition leader, and 'Prime Minister', Morgan Tsvangirai, refused to confirm Ndlovu's claims, but did however share his own finding that Robert Mugabe was sent by aliens to destroy the whole of Zimbabwe.

At the time of going to press, aliens have since denied such a heinous act, and have considered filing a case of libel against Mr. Tsvangirai, but have been put off by their inability to spell his name.

Waseem -Allegedly- Dawood

Barack Obama: Closet Muslim?

2008-11-13T14:31:00.005+02:00

Rumors have resurfaced that Barack Obama, now president of the United States, is in fact Muslim, despite the numerous stories to the contrary. Conspiracy theorists and rumor mongers are in the process of building up credible evidence to prove once and for all, Obama is a member of the Islamic faith.

The reason for recent suspicions of President Obama's faith, is his sudden disappearance immediately after sunset. White House officials are also concerned about the President waking well before sunrise, and often appearing later with folded trousers.

A source in the IRS has confirmed the President has recently paid out an amount, which totals just above 2.5% of his entire assets, to an anonymous charity. The source also confirmed that this payment happens annually, usually around the time of the Muslims' holy month of Ramadaan.

President Obama has once again refuted rumors, and refused to comment. "I will neither deny nor confirm such ridiculous rumors." The President did however confirm he is planning a 3-4 week trip to Saudi Arabia, and hopes to ease tensions in the Middle East, as well as get a haircut. He also asked everyone for their forgiveness.

Waseem -Allegedly- Dawood

Fall actually a metaphor

2008-10-24T14:41:00.001+02:00

Finance Portfolio Committee chair Nhlanhla Nene, who recently found his chair collapsing under him during a live television interview, has claimed the fall was deliberate and actually a metaphor likening the Rand's sudden drop in value to his drop from the chair.

Speaking at his next, less eventful, interview, Mr. Nene said "Just like the wheel came off my chair, the wheels seem to have come off our economy. I felt someone needed to do something drastic, so I took matters into my own hands and took the fall. I, however refuse to be labelled the 'fall guy' over this incident."

When asked about inspiration behind the move, Mr. Nene replied,"Well, I am a chair person."

Waseem -Allegedly- Dawood

Going global

2008-10-23T15:51:00.003+02:00

The Almost News team is very happy to announce the appointment of their first Foreign Matters correspondent, who will be reporting on issues from the UK and Europe.

"Yes, I have to say that I do believe that foreign affairs are relevant, as the world is becoming a global village, with it's fair share of village idiots. I am very happy to be a part of the team, in fact I have a feeling of pleasure which has a lot in common with being given first go in a bollock-kicking contest", Mr Parasputin said.

This new appointment comes amidst speculation from the Middle East, that there may be a headhunting campaign to take over reporters from established publications. The Almost News team has met these comments with a categorical denial that these rumours have any factual basis. "Our colleagues at Al-Jahiliyya have nothing to fear."

Health Department deny virus

2008-10-15T10:31:00.003+02:00

A call for calm has come out of the Gauteng Health Department via E-Mail to leading agencies, claiming the deadly virus sweeping the province is total fiction. The email also informed news agencies that the Gauteng Health Department is now relocating to Limpopo for a change of scenery.

Zanele Mngadi, Gauteng Health spokesperson, spotted at an airport getting a ticket to 'the first flight out of Gauteng', echoed these sentiments. Mngadi, dressed smartly in a Hazmat suit, said, "Everything is fine, what sick people? What Morningside Clinic? I'm just going on holiday for an indefinite duration, but I will address this rumor as soon as I get back."

In totally unrelated news, 91 people are being monitored closely as a precautionary measure at a private hospital. Family members have been told not to be concerned, but are being reminded of the importance of updating their wills.

Waseem -Allegedly- Dawood

Fatwa sparks fear in cartoon mice

2008-09-26T09:24:00.005+02:00

After a recent Fatwa by Sheik Muhammad Munajid, claiming the mouse is 'Satan's Soldier' and even has gone so far to say killing of Mickey Mouse would be permissible, cartoon mice around the world have been put on high alert.

"I don't know why he don't like me. I'm so leetle. I don't take up much room. And don't eat much." said Speedy Gonzales.

The Brain, a mouse who is well known for his attempts at global conquest feels offended at being branded 'Satan's soldier.' "We work alone and attribute nothing to Satan. This gives me an idea though." The Brain remarked and afterwards asked his companion "Are you pondering what I'm pondering." To which Pinky replied, "I think so, Brain, but how will we get the Spice Girls into the paella? "

The fatwa has led to radicals across the Muslim world to destroy the small, hand-controlled input devices connected to their computers.

"Not that mouse." reassured Sheik Muhammad Munajid.

Waseem -Allegedly- Dawood

Rihanna : 'Shut up and Drive'

2008-08-20T14:57:00.003+02:00

21 year old Selwyn Thumbasamy was arrested earlier today for obstruction of justice and disobeying a police officer, Chatsworth police confirmed.

Boya Pillay, the arresting officer, reported that Mr. Thumbasamy did not stop when asked to, and in fact sped up. Officer Boya further detailed in his report when Mr. Thumbasamy did finally stop, Officer Boya discovered he was driving with an open umbrella. Officer Boya then requested Mr. Thumbasamy to step out of the vehicle, which he duly did, but afterwards took a bow.

Mr. Thumbasamy is currently under police custody at the Chatsworth police station where he claims 'Rihanna (the R&B star) told me to do it'. A Rihanna CD was later discovered in his CD player. R&B analysts say it is fortunate Rihanna's Unfaithful was not on the CD, citing the lyric 'Might as well take a gun and put it to his head, get it over with' as particularly worrying.

After a recent case where Satan told a teenage boy to attack people with a sword, police are now investigating links between Rihanna and Satan.

Waseem -Allegedly- Dawood

Innocent if it takes too long to be proven guilty

2008-08-07T14:27:00.000+02:00

After a court application was made for 'a permanent stay of execution of charges against Zuma as his case has been delayed for far too long', many defendants have filed a similar plea in order to have charges dropped against them.

Radovan Karadzic, former Bosnian Serb wartime President, facing charges of genocide in the 1992-95 Bosnian war, said 'Oh man, you guys still remember that, can't we all just move on?' His lawyers claim it is not his fault that it took so long to find him. Childhood friend, Miroslav Milosevic said 'He was always good at Hide and Seek, took us hours to find him, eventually we gave up and went to play Stuck in the Mud.'

Robert Mugabe, former, current and future president of Zimbabwe, feels the same mentality to should be applied to the Zimbabwe elections. 'Enough of these power sharing and re-election talks, time has passed for discussions , it is time for me to be president again. Tsvangarai los..., didn't wi..., I'm just president OK!'

Waseem -Allegedly- Dawood

Quagga Returns

2008-07-08T15:53:00.000+02:00

Reports have recently come to light that the Quagga is not extinct as previously hoped. Khoisan and British have been blamed, not only for an incomplete job, but for letting the world believe that the Quagga were indeed gone.

'It are horrifying!' exclaimed Piet Pieterse, the first person to re-discover the now just endangered species, who is currently undergoing trauma counselling. 'First I am thinking, Sjoe that are a dirty zebra, then I'm realising that are a ghost of a quagga. I ran like the devil!' The incident was thought to have taken the life of Pieterse's daughter, Marietjie, who he claims was stolen by the 'spirit' of the quagga. Further evidence reveals however that his daughter was safe at home with her mother and never even went with her father on his hunting trip.

There is however some good news. The Hunting We Will Go Association of South Africa (HWWGASA) have promised to return the world to normalcy and rid the world of the quagga once and for all. HWWGASA spokesperson, Jenkins Padapop-pop, has said that the re-extinction might result in sizeable loss in the Sand Zebra population, which he assures us is a small price to pay. A small price indeed.

Waseem -Allegedly- Dawood

Chinese the new black

2008-06-25T09:55:00.000+02:00

Stereotyping High Court granted a landmark ruling, this week, that Chinese South Africans are to be included in the definition of black people. During the apartheid era South African Chinese were labelled coloured because of the shape of their eyes. Post-apartheid South Africa left the S.A.C uncertain of the colour of their skin, creating confusion and mass hysteria. The rioting of all 40 S.A.C prompted human rights lawyers to step in. The 2 minute long struggle ended when Court Judge Hendrik O'Reilly exclaimed "Fuck it! we'll do it black.". The ruling states employment will no longer be tied to just pirating DVD's, sweatshops and counterfeit Armani's but taxi driver, roadworks and status of bees. "With the colour black comes great responsibility" said Lee Who " And we will not let our fellow brothers down"

"How Ehh m vely grad my penis size just shot up by 5 inches" said stereotypical black S.A.C Lee Mtshalelwa on the ruling of the court. One particular black S.A.C fondly recalls how his grandfather, a fake Armani bag salesman, used to shout proudly "Hey! Be a black man", adding that "this ruling would have meant a lot to him".

Not everyone is happy with the ruling though, resident racist Karl Konstantine Ketchup complains that it is going to make racism complicated." What am I going to call a Chinese guy now, ***** or ****** how will I know the difference... they all look the same" said Karl who was immediately arrested for his backward thinking.

Lucky Tv Gam

Almost News set to Publish a Magazine

2008-05-30T16:31:00.000+02:00

This is MJ Khan reporting on behalf of Almost News. Almost News is pleased to announce that we are now diversifying and will be publishing a monthly magazine to complement the popular news site. According to my mum, Almost News is the best Online news resource in Africa, and perhaps the entire world.

For the magazine, you can expect in depth and articulate articles concerning every day life in South Africa. Topics such as

Celebrity Drug Habits
Well, you never did have Brad Pitt’s looks, so you might as well have his heroin addiction. Find out which stars get paid high and which stars just get high! Then take Bored’s celebrity dope test and see whether you also down your ecstasy with Evian!

Bonsai Kitten
The Japanese have always been known for their sinister hobbies. Who can forget those blasted Tamagotchi’s and their retarding effect on techno geeks everywhere? The latest craze from the land of the rising pollution is collecting helpless little rat-eaters in jars. Get your fill of bottle stuffed felines. Who knows, next they might blenderize the little bastards. Anyone for liquid pussy?

Ange- who?
Those of you who were too busy scraping smegma from your shlong probably missed the latest season of Singstar superstars. Unfortunately the rest of us weren’t so lucky. This issue we interview Angelina, the sexy blonde winner and ask the question that’s eating everyone’s heads- “Since we can see that she has no recognizable talent whatsoever, whose monkey did she spank to win?

Dead Man Wisdom
Ever wondered if famous people were still alive, what would they make of this hellhole we’re infesting? This month, we exhume Gandhi and Elvis, who take the floor and discuss ‘Xenophobia, the morality of cloning Celine Dion and the exponential increase of popcorn prices at the cinemas.

Wholesome fatherly Advice
Resident playboy supreme Waseem Dawood teaches you how to seduce your best friends little sister, while still being able to go to his house and kick his ass at tekken. This’ll be a good time to start brushing up on those golden lines “I swear officer, she told me that she was seventeen!”

Bargain Bin Game reviews- Enter the Matrix for the PS2
Red Pill? Blue Pill? Aah, to hell with it- take them both. Our exclusive review of every brainwashed lunatic’s wet dream explains why 2003's biggest game became the world’s biggest bomb. Being huge Shiny Inc fans, we expected something along the lines of Morpheus’s catchphrase “Open Your Eyes”, instead we get Neo’s “relax your sphincter and flush” routine. More flaccid than your granddad on a cold day.

Death by Health-food
Here’s a great excuse not to exercise: ab crunch ruptureriosus. A 21-year-old soldier in the SADF went to hospital with sever aching in his upper abdomen. In his quest for a washboard stomach, he had overworked his abs causing his muscles to burst. Virgin Active are now going to have to work extra hard to get me off my lazy ass.

Salma Hayek
The hottest star on Plant earth has turned down every magazine in the world – Including Almost News. So we decided to show some pictures of her without her consent! Many tireless nights were spent crawling the net for these photos. The dedication we bring to our readers is so strong that we refused to choose our final spread until we examined every picture of her in absolute detail.

Plagiarism for Dummies
Boasting a foreword by the world’s most recognizable cheater, Bill Clinton, Plagiarism for Dummies or for our more simple readers, ‘ Cheating for Dumb Shits’. This informative guide covers everything from copying in your grade twelve finals; to the art of plagiarizing other people’s entire dissertations of the Internet and claiming they’re yours. Chapters on ‘How to write answers on your fore-arm without contracting ink poisoning’ mix well with subsequent chapters like the inevitable ‘Yes, that is my work’ and ‘how to lie well’. An informative read which deserves its place next to the toilet of all Almost News readers.

‘If that was true, I’d be blind by now’
I don’t wax my palms every second week, and I can read perfectly fine. We at AN sincerely believe that masturbation is the answer to the AIDS pandemic that is seizing our nation. This months feature article discusses the pros and cons (hardly any) of ‘wanking’. However, as our cover suggests, everything should be done in moderation i.e. get a girlfriend loser!

Lord of the Rings DVD preview
The summer’s biggest hit is about a group of midgets taking a stroll through a forest with their jewelry. Tolkien, the creator of middle-earth who had way too much time on his hands, is worshipped as a God in the more literate countries, which makes him, according to our education levels, on a slightly higher level than a slave. For all you wannabe conspiracy theorists out there, the second movie was based on a book that was written ages before the twin towers collapsed. It wasn’t made to cash in on it butt-monkeys. The last part of the trilogy, Return of The King, has nothing to do with any dead, overgrown, burger munching, side-burn wearing rock stars. Puff Daddy is rumoured to play the role of The Dark Lord Sauron, can any one say “Lord of The Bling Bling?”

Wanksta’s guide to being hip, dog!

“White boy be preaching up in here,” holla’s resident eminem wannabe- ‘wanksta’. This issue sees the inception of Wanksta’s ‘dress like a pimp and pick up ho’s fashion tips, as well as a run-down of the phattest ice you can wrap around your neck. He also gives ‘ word to your momma.

MJ 'claims' Khan

'Zimbabwe has erection plobrem' Hu Jintao

2008-05-17T09:52:00.000+02:00

China and Zimbabwe find themselves on the brink of war after Chinese President Hu Jintao has decided to speak out on Zimbabwe's 'erection plobrem' and declared Robert Mugabe 'an inadequate reader'.

Sources close to Mugabe say 'Hu used to be close to Mugabe but who knew Hu could do something like this.'

Efforts to mediate a truce between the two normally peaceable countries has reached an impasse after a heated exchange between their respective leaders.

Hu Jintao demanded to know 'Why is Zimbabwe infration so high?' To which Mr. Mugabe heatedly replied 'Fluctuations!' Hu Jintao then stormed out of the mediation, and just before slamming the door, turned back to Mugabe and said: 'Fluck you Zimbabweans!'

Waseem -Allegedly- Dawood

Boy contemplates meaning of lunch

2008-05-05T10:08:00.000+02:00

'Oh boy, mum remembered polony' Hamza replied sarcastically when asked what he had brought for lunch.

Hamza said today '90% of my lunch is some kind of polony derivative.'

'It sucks' added Hamza.

Meanwhile Waseem has brought burgers for lunch claiming his mother loves him. 'She even put the burgers in buns,' he said.

Waseem -Allegedly- Dawood

DIE's Al Reddy supports Load Shedding

2008-04-08T11:31:00.000+02:00

It's not often that we hear the good side of load shedding, but Dr. Al Reddy from the organisation Doctors for Implementing Euthanasia (DIE) has called Eskom's 'power sharing' a step in right direction for their cause.

'Load shedding has removed the need for us to mercy kill all of our long time life support patients by cutting the power to their machines,' said Dr. Reddy. 'When I first heard of load shedding, I was hopeful that we would be included among those lucky few, as I saw the opportunities it presented.'

The problem has surfaced however that many of the wannabe euthanised are not on life support and are unable to reap the benefits of load shedding. Dr Reddy has called for these patients to have patience as DIE is currently looking into other government projects that may aid their cause.

Waseem -Allegedly- Dawood

Canadian Comedian retires at the Peak of his Career

2008-03-20T23:44:00.000+02:00

Accomplished Canadian comedian, Russel Peters retired from show business last night. Many fans were shocked by his announcement, as he had never shown any previous intent on quitting comedy.

Peters 19 year career has led to many achievements, with the biggest being his performance at the Curry Muncher comedy festival where he opened the show for Mithin Chukraborti.

In an exclusive interview with Almost News, Peters discussed why he retired. "I was just sick of getting the same response every where I go, you know. Its like, I'll come up with great new material, and all the audience wants to hear is 'Be a Man! Do the right thing!' I'm more than that you know, Peters said as he broke down into tears. 'I hate that fucking Chinese accent, I hate it, but that's all they want from me. I feel like one of those hobbits from the Lord of the Rings movies who have been typecast.

MJ 'claims' Khan

Load Shedding strains Diplomatic Relations

2008-03-18T02:14:00.000+02:00

Tensions were high this week as South Africas botched electricity crisis led to diplomatic intervention from one of the countries strongest allies, Pakistan.

The Pakistani ambassador, Muhammed Ali Muhammed abdullah Khan put forth the grievances of Pakistans largest lobby group, 'Distributors of Intellectual Properties, Software and Highly Important Technologies' (DIPSHIT) whose main concern was that load shedding meant that people cut down on their television viewing time, and instead, found alternate ways of being entertained. Reduced TV time meant reduced sales of the various DVD's.

Chairman of the lobby group Anwar Alli Alli Khan stated that Load shedding is devastating for the Pakistani economy, whose two sole streams of revenue come from Goat Cheese and Pirated Hollywood movies. 'Spiderman 3 paid for two water refinery plants last year', Khan has stated.

Almost News has tried to contact the Southern African Federation Against Copyright Theft (SAFACT) but they were too busy making crappy commercials and could not give a statement.

MJ 'Claims' Khan

Breakup by Facebook relationship status

2008-02-12T14:09:00.000+02:00

Facebook, the popular social network, reached another milestone this week as it saw the first breakup by changing relationship status. Riaz Ali* logged in to his Facebook to find his MiniFeed reading 'Riaz is no longer listed as in a relationship'. On further investigation he discovered his (ex)girlfriend, Rehana Sheik*, had removed him as a friend.

Close friends to the (former) couple say the signs were there for all to see. "She[Rehana] stopped writing on his[Riaz's] wall and removed him from her Top Friends. The breakup was inevitable, he was just in denial."

The couple, who met on Facebook after Riaz clicked on 'Yes' on Rehana's 'Are You Interested?' application, were seemingly in love until Riaz, using the Compare People application, voted Rehana's sister as hotter. "It was really stupid of him not to turn off 'Ok to notify winner'," said Riaz's good friend Bash Mohammed*.

Rehana has since created a group called 'Riaz Ali is a wanker'.

* - This is an asterisk.

Waseem -Allegedly- Dawood

Zuma dumps Tyson

2008-02-05T12:28:00.000+02:00

The brief tumultuous relationship between ANC President, Jacob Zuma, and heavyweight boxer, Mike Tyson, came to an end, last week Wednesday, when the former deputy president, Zuma, left Tyson stranded at a fund-raiser.

Almost-News sources have claimed Tyson flew into S.A., under the pretense of a charity event, to mend his on-off relationship with Zuma. 'He[Tyson] really tried his best to make it work, but Zuma is too interested in furthering his political career,' claimed a close friend.

A teary-eyed Tyson confirmed the breakup on Monday, but claimed the split was mutual.'We decided he[Zuma] needs to focus on his political career and the betterment of the ANC. Things are just not easy for Jacob and I right now.'

Waseem -Allegedly- Dawood

Traces of Human Sweat found in KFC breading

2008-01-25T16:15:00.000+02:00

The small rural town of Verulam witnessed a media frenzy unlike anything it has experienced before as hundreds of journalists clamored to the local KFC where traces of human sweat have been found. A sample of the pieces has been sent to the CSI team, and KFC management are scrambling to deny any link between its product and slavery.

KFC has an illustrious history, being the first fried food franchise in the world. The first branch was established in 1921 when founder and White Supremist Colonel Sanders chemically engineered a new type of meat seasoned with the sweat of his slaves. Mississippi laws at the time meant that he couldn’t sell Genetically Modified consumables (this law was relaxed in 1990) After consulting with his friend Mr Pemberton, who for years sold cocaine under the name of coca cola, Sanders decided to call his meat chicken to bypass the GM law. He called his takeaway Klan Fried Chicken

Due to the civil rights movement in the sixties, Sanders had to rebrand his franchise. This followed a speech given by Martin Luther King, who said, “I have a dream, that one day I can also enjoy a barrel of chicken without the racist reminder. Sanders still used the sweat of Black people as part of his eleven herbs and spices (the phrase was a homage to Herb Leroy Jonson (Sanders slave who was cleaning the Genetic Meat maker when his sweat mixed with the meat) but changed the name from Klan Fried chicken to KFC.

Manager of the Verulam branch, Mr Shubendren Moodley stated that “While our workers receive below minimum wage and no health insurance or leave whatsoever, I think its rather drastic to call that slavery”. When it was pointed out to him that the slave sweat was part of the breading Mr Moodley regained his composure and calmly said, “well, whats the big deal then?”

In America a congressional hearing has been set up to discuss the matter, but most Senators believe that it’s no big deal, and that their time should be spent discussing more pressing matters like whether the soap in the washrooms be scented or not.

MJ 'Claims' Khan

Facebook crashes local Internet

2007-12-08T01:19:00.000+02:00

South Africa's banking system came to a startling halt today as the national network crashed. This led to rioting all over the country as people could not access their savings or make purchases. One distraught man told 'Almost News' that, "This is unacceptable - first the electricity screws us over, and now this? Christmas is in a few weeks. How am I supposed to buy gifts for my daughter if I can't use my credit card?"

Another disgruntled citizen, Mr Charles Taylor stated that "Trust South Africa to have its Y2K seven years after the scare".

The cause of the crash (which experts attribute to broadband overload) was due to someone installing over two hundred applications for their facebook profile. Ms Karol van de Beer's love for new facebook applications strained the already minuscule broadband that South Africa has, and caused the system to crash. Ms de Beer was arrested for contravening an obscure injunction of the recently introduced anti -terrorism bill (two of her neighbours, Mr Goolam and Mr Khan were also arrested due to the proximity of their fences to hers)

Police Inspector, Harry Naidoo, states that "The South African Police Service is committed to protecting the country from all types of negative influences, be it MXIT menaces or facebook fiends. Amongst the notorious applications added, were a variety of alert applications such as 'poke me, stroke me and loke me'. Other applications that ate the bandwidth were, dirty dwarves dancing', and 'freight me date me'. The Police are taking this matter very seriously as it exposes facebooks connection to deviant sex practises as well as human trafficking. Inspector Naidoo has stated that they are most worried about the 'poke me, stroke me loke me' application as the word loke could be a code for an impending terrorist attack. Police urge people to be vigilant regarding facebook applications, and should not use the social networking application for adding useless applications, but for the purpose that it has been created for; to get laid.

MJ 'claims' Khan

Rick Rolling out of control

2007-11-30T15:22:00.000+02:00

As the Rick Rolled toll soars, a group of concerned citizens,PARA (People Against Rick Astley), spearheaded by a few celebrities, have called for the immediate execution of Rick Astley for crimes against humanity.

'I have never been so insulted in all my life (except during the impeachment trials)', said former president, Bill Clinton, who was allegedly rick rolled 15 times while trying to click on 'nude intern pics'.'Once Hilary is in office, I will make sure rick rolling is punishable by death, but I still think we should start at the source.'

Another high profile rick rolled victim Paris Hilton, is unable to stop singing the infamous song.'Never gonna give you up ... never gonna let you down,' cried Miss Hilton.

'Ruck rou, Rick Rastley', said popular comic canine, Scooby Doo.

For more information on rick roll, click here

-Waseem 'Allegedly' Dawood-

Peach and Luigi elope. Mushroom Kingdom in shock

2007-11-24T02:28:00.001+02:00

Chaos erupted in the Mushroom Kingdom this week, when Princess Peach, current Monarch and ruler eloped with a local plumber, Luigi. Many residents are still coming to terms with the marriage, with most feeling that it will create instability in the region.

The hardest hit by the event is Luigi's brother Mario, who spent most of the week at Yoshi's Bar and Tavern, inebriated with Mushroom Beer. Almost News asked Mario for a comment to which he replied "That no good floozy did nothing but lead me on. Mario I baked you a cake, and mario please a save a me. Do you know how many a times I saved her ass from Bowser? Can't the cow get better security or a restraining order or something? I'd like to see my rat brother save her this weekend".

Princess Peach responded to Mario's comments by saying, "all that fat hobbit did was collect coins and jump on goombas all day. I needed more than some money grabbing sexual deviant. Luigi always had time to listen to me. He was never busy collecting stars, or abusing turtles or anything. And I must say, while Mario was busy exploring pipes, Luigi was seeing to my pumbling quite nicely" she added.

When asked if he felt like he betrayed his brother, Luigi said, "Ai, what to do, Shit a Happens'

MJ 'Claims' Khan

Professor Will I Am explains genetics

2007-11-16T16:09:00.000+02:00

Professor Will I Am presented at a genetic research conference today revealing his findings on genetics, particularly female genetics. His findings have been described as ‘the biggest find in genetic research since Dolly the sheep’ and has caused an uproar amongst the ugly community. Known for his previous research into ‘lady lumps’ and ‘humps’, Professor Am felt he should be the one to ask the important question of ‘where'd you get yo body from?’

“The research was carried out in various clubs and beaches, where the question was asked to women between the ages 20-24. After months of painstaking research, the resounding answer was ‘I got it from my mama’, which was repeated a few more times for emphasis.”

Professor Am went on to say that “ Statistics also reveal that 9 out of 10 times if a women is pretty, she is pretty like her mother. Conversely, if a women is ugly, 9 out of 10 times she will be ugly like her mother”

When asked what he thinks this research can help prove, Professor Am has said, ”It will help in the fight against ugliness, I will spread the message, even if I have to rap it.”

Ugly women everywhere have protested this research and called for more in-depth study into the project before the result can be considered conclusive. One hideous woman, with a nice personality, has claimed,” After all, ugly people are people too.”

Some of the ugly have reacted angrily and demanded to know,” What you say about my mama?”

Waseem ‘Allegedly’ Dawood

'Just Joking' says Bush

2007-11-09T13:36:00.000+02:00

In a light hearted press conference, President George Bush has claimed he was 'just joking' when he gave the order for the US to invade Iraq. 'When Colin[Powell] came up to me that March, and asked me if I felt like invading Iraq, despite the fact they had no sign of weapons of mass destruction, I said "Sure, why not, all the soldiers are dressed up with nowhere to go". When the first bombs hit Baghdad, Barbara and I laughed so hard. The Saddam hanging was a bit hardcore though. I think the joke has gone bit too far now, maybe the troops should come home.'

'No offence.' Bush added, to the thousands of dead and injured Iraqis.

Vice President Cheney chuckled and commented that, 'He[Bush] is always doing funny shit like this, like the time he said he wanted to run for president. Oh, how we laughed.'

'Lol', remarked former Secretary of Defence, Donald Rumsfeld.

-Waseem 'Allegedly' Dawood-

Calls for Peace in Middle-Durban

2007-11-07T13:40:00.001+02:00

Durban, South Africa Minority Front leader Amithabh Rajbachan calls for ceasefire this diwali, pleading to the rival Indian communities, Chatsworth and Phoenix, to put aside differences and embrace each other as brothers and sisters. Citing last year's incident, when several Indians where held back and one Moonien Muroogadesin had his mother severely sworn, as inhumane and a real tragedy. "It will keep getting worse unless the communities take swift action" he said.

Historians claim war started on slave ships, Phoenix and Chatsworth, when one aboard the Chatsworth exclaimed "This ship is banging ekse". Residents from Chatsworth believe it started when Aunty Saras stole Pushpa's AMC pots, Aunty Saras being from the Phoenix side. Casualties high on both sides and increasing the war shows no signs of ending. Many weapons have been chosen over the years such as taxi sound offs and who can wear the most gold without falling down.

A resident Phoenician on talks of peace "Only if those chassie boys recognize who really be rockfalling, I'm training my lighty to be a don, he has two gold tooth's, and can handle three chains...united!!"
A hopeful Amithabh Rajbachan concluded with "I have a dream, where all Indian communities can bang equally. A dream where all Indians can put facecloths in the back of their collies and not be singled out." A statement no doubt which will be echoed for generations to come.

SPCA launches the 'Protect your Pet' campaign

2007-11-05T03:35:00.000+02:00

The SPCA started a nationwide campaign this week in the hope of averting the many animal cruelty cases that it has had to deal with in the past month. Spokesperson for the SPCA, Mr Hamish Grey stated in a media briefing "that while this period is generally known as peak time for animal rights violations", citing Guy Fawkes as the politically correct and culturally sensitive reason for pet injuries,"this year there has been an alarming rise in rodent and turtle injuries as well.

The SPCA has received many pet mice and rats with severe stove burns. It has also had to scour the sewage system for flushed turtles (a phenomenon that also took place seventeen years ago) The SPCA is requesting that parents monitor their children's play time activity and stress that children who are 'fucked in the head' as well as those still teething, not be given pets. So far there is no explanation for the spate of cruelty, but the South African Police are investigating.

MJ 'Claims' Khan

5 Little Piggies : The Aftermath

2007-10-29T13:28:00.000+02:00

The small town of Foot was rocked recently by the murder of beloved, 2nd little Piggie, who was found dead at the Piggies home this past Friday night. The murder scene left officers baffled behind the possible motive for such a crime. Events soon escalated after it was discovered that 5th Little Piggie was taken into custody, charged with the murder of his brother, 2nd.

Authorities have now revealed this was due to the trail of urine(wee) found leading towards the Piggies home, around the time of the apparent murder, which upon DNA analysis matched that of 5th. Close friends have said even though there was an animosity between the two, no-one could have predicted such a tragedy.

Our well wishes and condolences go out to the Piggie family at this trying time.

-Waseem 'Allegedly' Dawood-

Televised Coverage of World War 3

2007-10-28T00:12:00.000+02:00

Welcome back to Concerning News Network with your host, MJ Khan. As we reflect on the bloodshed and destruction that has engulfed the world in the past two weeks, tonight we uncover the events leading up to what has tragically been referred to as the 'Coke Jihad'. We now cross over live to our field reporter, 'has-been' Bollywood star Kareena Kapoor who is one of the few survivors of the land which used to be known as India until last Wednesday.

MJ: Kareena, a population of over a billion people have been wiped out by the nuclear blast over Delhi last week, how many survivors are there?

Kareena: MJ, the scenes here are harrowing, I am currently standing next to the Ganges river in a land which was called Varanasi, and while the river is still as polluted as it was last month, there are now high levels of radioactive waste mixing with the ashes and raw sewage. This scene reminds me of my poor Shaheer. India will never bear another son like him.

MJ: Kareena, How did this war start?

Kareena: The war started a month ago when some individuals from a Danish terrorist group called Citizens opposed Killing Economies sent a hoax e-mail out in protest of the economic boycotts that some Muslim countries have placed on Danish products following the 'prophet Muhammed cartoon saga' in September 2005. The e-mail included a fake Coca Cola print advertisement which incensed the 1.6 billion Muslim population. This led to the burning of embassies, as well as wide scale riots in Mombasa, London, Chechnya and Houston Texas. A critical point in the saga was Monday when well known actress and humanitarian Angelina Jolie was assassinated during an AIDS awareness concert in India. This led to nuclear retaliation by America.

MJ: Can you describe the hoax advert to the viewers. Is this the first time that Coke was used to incite a particular religious or ethnic group?

Kareena: No Mj, this is not the first time that Coca-Cola was used in a malicious campaign. However, this is the first time that is was the cause of such tragedy - how i miss my little Sha-hee. The mock up print advert that was circulated had a page of the Quran on it (the quran is the Muslims holy scripture) but a sentence was modified and instead of it saying 'Kuloo nafsi Zaaikatul Maut' (Every soul shall have a taste of death), it read Kiloo Nafsi zaaikatul Coke (Every soul shall have a taste of coke)

MJ: We at Concerning News Network refuse to screen the offensive advert, as we value our muslim viewers (and our t.v studios) however, due to our vigorous defense of freedom of expression we will show the last hoax e-mail

MJ 'Claims' Khan
N.B WHILE THIS IS A WORK OF PARODY, I MUST STRESS THAT THE IMPLICATIONS ARE NOT LOST. WHILE I HAVE MADE UP THE FICTITIOUS 'EVERY SOUL' CAMPAIGN, THERE ARE MANY E-MAILS THAT ARE BEING CIRCULATED AND PEOPLE ARE FALLING FOR THEM. PLEASE VERIFY YOUR MAIL. FOR MORE ON THE 'COKE OF THE ROCK CAMPAIGN, CLICK HERE AND HERE

Queer wizard actually queer

2007-10-23T11:07:00.000+02:00

In a news flash that has rocked the very foundations of Hogwarts, Albus Dumbledore, respected headmaster, has been posthumously outed from the closet. Just like Princess Diana, it seems Dumbledore's death has done nothing to quiet the interest in him.

One of his favorite pupils, Harry Potter had this to say. "This is just more proof of how much he hid from me, this makes a lot of sense now that I think about it, that elaborate fashion sense, his weird mannerisms, the gay porn. Damn him, this is so like him to take the spotlight even in death."

Ron Weasley, noted sidekick, expressed shock and discomfort at the news. "Blimey, never pegged Dumbledore for a fruit, I always got the heebie jeebies when I was alone in a room with him ... um not that there is anything wrong with being a battyboy or nothing."

Hermione Granger, smartest girl at Hogwarts (or insufferable know-it-all as she is known to her friends), claims she has always known this. "It was fairly obvious, I thought everyone knew and just did not want to say thing. After all he spent a 100 or so years without marrying, how gay is that"

Headmistress McGonagall still seemed a bit distraught over his death, and this news has only compounded to it causing her to ramble incoherently."It makes no sense ... I mean wasn't he ...was that why he didn't ...it is always the good ones. Damn that Grindelwald."

Aberforth, Dumbledore's estranged brother, known sexual deviant, was surprisingly accepting of this piece of news. "I always knew him and that Grindelwald feller were doing more than just magical experiments if you know what I'm saying."

-Waseem 'Allegedly' Dawood-

NB. JK Rowling actually said that she always thought of Dumbledore as gay in a reading at Carnegie Hall.

And they chatted happily ever after

2007-10-19T14:24:00.000+02:00

History was made this weekend with the first ever couple to get married on mxit. The marriage between Badboyzn and MrsBadboyzn formerly known as Sexygirlzn took place at Durban12. It was a small affair, only seven per room, with some quite famous handles invited for the wedding. Amongst the guests where:

BadBoy4lifezn
Badgirl-zn
|34D|30Y-zn
and R()T!(H!C|{

The affair was not your usual glamorous wedding, simply incorporating their love for mxit and each other. The bride as is seen with most Indian weddings logged on half an hour later than planned after which the ceremony started. Drama ensued when badboyzn left the room without a "brb" during the all important “I do”. Rumours ran wild that the groom had second thoughts and could not go through with the ceremony, some saying the lack of picture swopping being the main reason. Luckily for Sexygirlzn, Badboyzn was not about to leave his allegedly beautiful bride at the alter, logging back just minutes later claiming he DC'ed. Shortly after the ceremony the throwing of the (f) commenced with R()T!(H!C|{ catching the bouquet, much to the chagrin of |34D|30Y-zn who just invited her to go private. As the newly married couple prepared to leave for their honeymoon Almost News was allowed a few questions. On there first meeting, it was agreed that it was love at first sentence, “He had me at asl, it was da way he sed it dat really stood out from the rest, n wen he askd me to go pvt after dat, I just knew he was da 1”. When questioned on destination, they replied in unison “JHB 23”. MrsBadboyzn then added “ We herd frm a lot of our fwends dat JHB 23 has lot of fwendwy ppl n we both hope to make lot of nu contacts.”

When asked to comment on the marriage creators of mxit released this press statement.
“We created mxit with the sole intention of creating anarchy, mxit while driving, working, school. It's a shame that it has lead to two people falling in love, we just wanted to bring about the fall of the economy. We are looking to shutdown all servers to further stifle this unforeseen reaction.”

Althafs Cuzzy Almost News Chatsworth

Robbie Williams Steps out of the Closet

2007-10-18T15:21:00.000+02:00

British singing star and pop icon, Robbie Williams, told a packed conference in London that he is finally ready to embrace his sexuality and declared that he is gay. The singing star was previously concerned that his 80 million pound record deal with EMI would be cancelled, but was relieved when they told him last month that he can share his secret with the world.The announcement has sent shock waves across the music world as Robbie Williams is often portrayed as a red-blooded heterosexual man.

His publicist, ms Jo Khan fielded various questions after the conference. According to ms Khan, Robbie has been alluding to his sexual orientation for many years now and that he is glad he has come out of the closet. She states that in his 2001 documentary, Nobody Someday, he admits that the “brand” of Robbie Williams the pop star is fake and he feels uncomfortable about it. She also states that his popular song Rock DJ is an actuality an “ allegory of his stormy love triangle with DJ Paul Oakenfold, a popular dance DJ and former child star Macauly Culkin”. Culkin is also the focus of his hit duet with Kylie Minogue, Kids. Khan said, “ Robbie is relieved and wants to start a vigorous re-branding campaign which is more true to the real him. Amongst the various changes, Robbie wants to change the name of his 1998 album to I've been expecting you sir".

Long time fan of Robbie Williams, ms Q Daya said “ I am glad that Robbie finally came out of the closet. He has been really depressed recently”. Robbie’s various addictions are well publicized and are now believed to be part of his way of dealing with his former persona. The cheeky superstar was all smiles when he told the horde of journalists present at the conference that he likes to ‘take it up the batty”, a popular British slang used to describe a sexual act. When asked which musicians he fancied, Robbie said that he would love to “get it on with the entire ensemble of Ladysmith Black Mambazo”, a popular Academy Award winning South African choir. His latest album Intensive Care, a reference to Intensive Care Vaseline is one of the biggest selling albums of 2005 achieving No 1 status in 18 countries.

MJ 'claims' Khan

Time with God goes into overtime

2007-10-16T14:15:00.000+02:00

A Muslim priest has apologised for over-running the normal duration of Friday's midday prayer. Despite receiving many pointed stares at the clock, as well as what can only be described as meaningful throat clearings, Muslim priest Mohammed continued his lecture for an extra two minutes. Many prominent business owners expressed silent outrage, followed by some louder grumbles while leaving the mosque.

Restaurant owner, Mohammed said "I sacrifice my 5 minutes for this weekly prayer, so I can't afford those extra minutes, a minute wasted is a customer lost".

An elderly shoe shop owner, Mohamed commented that "In my day we used to have twice the prayer in half the time, these extra minutes show a blatant disregard for my shoe shop ... Asmals, Cathedral Road, finest shoes for the finest prices."

Not everyone was against the lengthy prayer though. "I work for a company, and the longer I spend in prayer is more time I don't have to be back at the office," said Mohammed, salesman at Mr Price, who was then promptly stoned.

Another mosque regular had another complaint, "I don't mind the going over time, but where is the biryani?" asks Mohamed.

-Waseem 'Allegedly' Dawood-