Ricky Martin Comes Out of Closet. Surprises Noone

In an announcement that surprised precisely nobody, Ricky Martin, the one time singer, revealed that he is indeed gay. While no-one was surprised that he was gay, when the singer came out of the closet on his website, many were surprised to discover that Ricky Martin had a website. "Ricky Martin has a website! Wtf for?" seemed to be the general response to his announcement.

Ricky Martin's agent, hoping to cash in on the buzz of publicity the announcement has created, also revealed that Ricky will now re-release all his previous love songs and change the wording to reflect his current sexual status. Songs to be changed include She's all I ever had, which will now be called He's All I Ever Had and Living La Vida Loca, which will now be called Living La Vida Homo.

Ricky Martin also plans to release his memoirs detailing his life and career. The 3 page book will discuss his life in Puerto Rico, the 3 songs he once sang and how he became a Twitter Trending Topic. When asked if he was not concerned that his lack of fame would doom the 3 page book before it was even published, Ricky replied,"I could always just claim I had an affair, the media tends to love that stuff."

Waseem - Allegedly- Dawood

World Rejoices As Avatar Does Not Win Best Film Oscar

Most of the world collectively breathed a sigh of relief when Avatar deservedly did not win the Best Film Oscar at the recent Academy Awards function. After Avatar's recent Golden Globe win for Best Film, many feared that the Oscars would follow suit and award the vastly over-rated and entirely rubbish Avatar, Best Film for 2009. Not since the gay cowboy drama, Brokeback Mountain, which was basically about cowboys being gay, has the world been so fearful of a Best Film nominee.

George Clooney, whose movie Up In The Air was also nominated for Best Film, said "Man, we really dodged a bullet there. Imagine if Avatar actually won the Oscar, that would just open the door for other crap movies like Twilight to win." When asked if he was disappointed that his own movie didn't win, he replied, "Nah, as long Avatar didn't win, the world is safe for another year."

Among the few people who were upset that Avatar did not win was Tayrou Hanou, who (stupidly) has named himself as a Na'vi and only speaks and acknowledges Na'vi as a language. Hanou said "Kaltxì. Ngaru lu fpom srak?" Almost News refuses to translate this, because we cannot be bothered with this crap.

James Cameron was also unsurprisingly upset about the Oscar snub. "I spend 10 years making this movie and I don't even freaking win the Best Movie award. This is blatant Na'vi-ism." When asked if he wanted to win why he did not have at least an original/interesting story, Cameron replied, "Who cares about story, I had flying dinosaur bird things! Flying dinosaur bird things!"

Waseem -Allegedly- Dawood