Captain America Release Date Angers Muslims

Muslims in South Africa were extremely disappointed to discover that Captain America, the slightly less popular Marvel character, movie will be released during the holy month of Ramadaan.

Ramadaan is the month in which Muslims fast all day and pray at night, so many Muslims will have to forgo the experience of another Marvel movie for the year. Angry and annoyed Muslims took to twitter to complain about the lack of foresight by the distributors of Captain America.

One of the more obscure tweeters, Moulana Waheed tweeted, "Captain America releasing during Ramadaan, more Anti-Islamic propaganda by the Western kuffar. First OBL now this! #amrikashaitaan"

Many political scientists have scorned such a release date as totally against the idea of a peaceful South Africa and have warned such a move could result in terrorist activities, such as popcorn thrown in cinemas, boycotting of Coca Cola and other heinous Islamist tools.

Some astute observers have drawn parallels between this and the Jewish community complaining over Coldplay tour dates, but most analysts have called such observations ridiculous saying, "When have you ever seen a Jewish terrorist?"

Waseem -Allegedly- Dawood

Egyptian Man Tired Of Egypt Tweets

The people of Egypt celebrated a victory last Friday, when they were able to force the resignation of the unpopular former president Hosni Mubarak. Social media and Twitter specifically were largely credited with aiding and fueling the revolution, however it seems some people have grown tired of the revolution tweets.

Ali Ali Ali, a local Egyptian man, has grown tired with the vast amount of tweets about Egypt and feels like Twitter is dead for him now. "I follow Twitter for the comedians and the funny celebrity death stories, but now everything is Egypt, Egypt, Egypt." said Ali [Ali Ali]. "I'm not against the revolution but I'm fed up of my 'Yo Momma Joke' tweets being flooded out."

Ali Ali Ali's pleas, however, have fallen on deaf ears as international social media activists have pushed on with tweeting their ever-changing emotions every five minutes. Jay Hippy, one of the self proclaimed Egypt afficianados, said from his comfortable home in Sandton, " We are just trying to show our support and empathy for our brave brothers and sisters in Egypt", who then went on to tweet, "It is raining in Egypt, today we are all getting rained on #jan25".

Some people however don't seem to bothered either way by the Egypt tweets. Deposed president, Hosni Mubarak, said, "I don't get any of those tweets, I don't get any of those tweets". On closer inspection it appears as Mubarak didn't receive the tweets due to the fact he follows just one person, Lady Gaga, and has one tweet which reads "Can't read my, can't read my pokerface #jan25".

Waseem -Allegedly- Dawood

SA Launch eWikileaks

Based on the popularity of the international version of Wikileaks, a South African version has also sprung up, calling itself 'eWikileaks'. Founder, Julius Assangeni, said, "This is not to be associated in any way with that crap TV channel. Our aim, similarly to our international counterpart, is to expose the deep dark secrets of our country like the controversial Arms deal and where Patricia De Lille gets her ridiculous outfits from."

The first set of leaks from eWikileaks, coinciding with the 150th anniversary of Indians arriving in South Africa, pertained to South Africa's Indian community. The first leak confirmed the long held belief that the indentured laborers were in fact fooled into believing that they were leaving their beloved India for greener pastures. The leak reads "The 1860 settlers actually believed they were moving up to Joburg to make more money and get to away from their nosy and overbearing families."

Some of the leaks threaten to cause an uproar amongst the Indian community. One of these leaks details that Mahatma Gandhi, the renowned activist, didn't in fact live in Phoenix as previously believed but in fact lived in the luxurious suburb of Umhlanga. This has prompted some of the betrayed Phoenix community members to call for the name of the Mahatma Gandhi Memorial Hospital to be changed to Naidoo's Tuckshop Memorial Hospital.

The most damning and shocking leak however, was of a more recent Indian South African celebrity. The leak read, "Minority Front leader, Amichand Rajbansi's hair is real!"

Waseem -Allegedly- Dawood

Woolworths SA To Become Christian Book Store

Due to the immense popularity of Christian magazines, Woolworths SA have decided to become a Christian book store. Initially, Woolworths SA had removed Christian magazines of their shelves because of the lack of popularity, but due to the public outcry, Woolworths decided to put the magazines back on their shelves. Afterwards, gaging from the response to the magazines' removal, Woolworths realised there was much more money in Christian literature than previously thought, and promptly decided to become a Christian bookstore in preparation for the masses of Christians looking for Christian literature, who will surely descend upon their store.

"So as not to offend anyone, we also plan on opening Islamic, Buddhist, Hindu, Satanist and Scientologist book stores," announced Woolworth's PRO, Kev In."We might look into getting into the food and clothing game at a later date, but at the moment Christian magazines is just too much of a lucrative industry for us to ignore."

Many Christians have rejoiced at the announcement but have confirmed they still don't plan to buy any Christian magazines from Woolworths or anywhere else for that matter. "The announcement by Woolworths is another victory for us Christians, of course this doesn't mean we want to buy magazines or any Christian literature, but just having the option makes us happy." said Maggie Buyer, spokesperson for the People for Christian Magazines in Stores Even Though We Don't Wanna Buy Them (PCMSETWDWBT). When asked why she would not buy any Christian magazines, Maggie replied, "Are you insane? Those magazines are like R69, Huis Genoot is only R12. "

However, athiests and some other religious organisations are quite outraged by Woolworths decision. "How dare they remove and put back Christian magazines in Woolworths?" said NoGod McGinty. "I previously had no interest in Christian magazines and didn't even know Woolworths sold them but now I am outraged they do and even had the audacity to put them back! Saying that, I really hope an event like this happens again so I can make fun of Christians' belief on Facebook pages once more. It is so much fun!"

Waseem -Allegedly- Dawood

"Stephen Hawking doesn't exist"- God

The world was rocked the revelation by the All Powerful God, that world famous British physicist and cosmologist, Stephen Hawking does not actually exist. This revelation comes after a book allegedly written by the alleged Mr. Hawking claiming that God was not necessary to explain the creation of the universe.

The entire science world is left reeling with revelation that one of their preeminent scholars may not actually exist. Although not actually having seen him, many scientists held the strong belief he existed and held his theories and proofs in the highest regard. One scientist commented,"My brain feels like a black hole. I can't believe that we took his existence as gospel for all these years, this feels like a M. Night Shyamalan movie. What a twist!"

A nurse, Elaine Mason, who thought she worked for the non-existent Mr. Hawking has been left bewildered and confused. Ms. Mason said, "I remember there was such a person as Stephen Hawking and then I stepped out and all of a sudden there was a Big Bang and it was like he never existed. Did he ever exist?"

The Almighty God, who himself is planning another tell all book, hot on the heels of his previous bestsellers, the Bible and the Quran, proclaimed,"A disabled man, who rolls around in a chair, talks through a computer, writes books and does science seems quite far-fetched to Me. Can't imagine who came up with that one."

Waseem -Allegedly- Dawood

Strikers Striking Against The Strike

Public servants in South Africa astonished the country today when they 'picked up tools' and announced that they would be striking against strike action. In a move analysts are calling 'getting back to work', public servants claim they had grown frustrated with all the striking and decided to strike against the strike.

One of those involved in the new strike against the strike, Lucky Strikes, said "It's just not as fun as it used to be. We have been striking for so long we don't even know what we are striking for, I mean except the money. When it all started we used to be in it for the love of toy-toying, I remember even once one of the unions misread the memo and thought we were streaking. That was so embarrassing!"

Petrol attendants have also been left somewhat bemused over strike action. Petrol Mafela said "They are getting people to do our jobs while we aren't there so I don't see the point of us striking as our absence is not felt. I mean we aren't even paid by the government."

Government officials are left confused on how to deal with this new reverse psychology type of striking and readily acceded to the strikers demands of 7.500001%, rather than the 7.5% that government were offering. The 20c extra will come as great news to manufacturers of 20c coins all over the country.

The possible end to strike action has left some of the strikers hesitant towards any future strike action. Veteran striker, Strikes Mashaba contemplated,"Perhaps instead of striking, we should work harder and earn our increases by merit like the rest of the private sector workers. Haha, just kidding, we will see you next year, same strike time, same striking place."

Waseem -Allegedly- Dawood

Charoubook helps you connect with your bras

Hot on the heels of Muslimbook, 'the first full-featured Muslim social networking site', Preggy from the sevens in Phoenix and his bra Logie from the elevens in Chassies, announced yesterday, that they have decided to launch their own Durban Indian social networking site, Charoubook. Preggy exclusively informed Almost News the reason behind the site. "See yer, charous like to chune, right? So why don't we have a site and all? I chuned my bra Logie, and he reckoned 'Ya cameway, let's dalla one.'"

When asked how Charoubook will differ from the hugely popular Facebook, Preggy said,"Cos check yer it will be for charous isn't? Facebook is lucker and all but we'll have one two top features like what's happening at the Lugs page and Muthu Murugan page. Yoh, that ou is such a ripper." Other features include charou terminology replacing all the regular wording on the site. For eg. Home will be changed to posse, like will be changed to smaak, and what's on your mind will be changed to whatkine for you bra? The traditional Facebook poke will be replaced by a dalla. Preggy's bra Logie also said, "We working on one two other things but we can't chune you'll now."

Charous have been in South Africa for 150 years now and have been meeting their connections ever since. Preggy and Logie feel Charoubook is the ideal medium for charous to meet all their connections and 'chune them whatkind'.

The inception of a Charoubook has given some people cause to question their identity however. Mo Khan from Silverglen said,"I'm a slamou and a charou so whatkind? Must I join Charoubook or Muslimbook? Or maybe Facebook? I have a face also."

Waseem -Allegedly- Dawood