DIE's Al Reddy supports Load Shedding

It's not often that we hear the good side of load shedding, but Dr. Al Reddy from the organisation Doctors for Implementing Euthanasia (DIE) has called Eskom's 'power sharing' a step in right direction for their cause.

'Load shedding has removed the need for us to mercy kill all of our long time life support patients by cutting the power to their machines,' said Dr. Reddy. 'When I first heard of load shedding, I was hopeful that we would be included among those lucky few, as I saw the opportunities it presented.'

The problem has surfaced however that many of the wannabe euthanised are not on life support and are unable to reap the benefits of load shedding. Dr Reddy has called for these patients to have patience as DIE is currently looking into other government projects that may aid their cause.

Waseem -Allegedly- Dawood

Canadian Comedian retires at the Peak of his Career

Accomplished Canadian comedian, Russel Peters retired from show business last night. Many fans were shocked by his announcement, as he had never shown any previous intent on quitting comedy.

Peters 19 year career has led to many achievements, with the biggest being his performance at the Curry Muncher comedy festival where he opened the show for Mithin Chukraborti.

In an exclusive interview with Almost News, Peters discussed why he retired. "I was just sick of getting the same response every where I go, you know. Its like, I'll come up with great new material, and all the audience wants to hear is 'Be a Man! Do the right thing!' I'm more than that you know, Peters said as he broke down into tears. 'I hate that fucking Chinese accent, I hate it, but that's all they want from me. I feel like one of those hobbits from the Lord of the Rings movies who have been typecast.

MJ 'claims' Khan

Load Shedding strains Diplomatic Relations

Tensions were high this week as South Africas botched electricity crisis led to diplomatic intervention from one of the countries strongest allies, Pakistan.

The Pakistani ambassador, Muhammed Ali Muhammed abdullah Khan put forth the grievances of Pakistans largest lobby group, 'Distributors of Intellectual Properties, Software and Highly Important Technologies' (DIPSHIT) whose main concern was that load shedding meant that people cut down on their television viewing time, and instead, found alternate ways of being entertained. Reduced TV time meant reduced sales of the various DVD's.

Chairman of the lobby group Anwar Alli Alli Khan stated that Load shedding is devastating for the Pakistani economy, whose two sole streams of revenue come from Goat Cheese and Pirated Hollywood movies. 'Spiderman 3 paid for two water refinery plants last year', Khan has stated.

Almost News has tried to contact the Southern African Federation Against Copyright Theft (SAFACT) but they were too busy making crappy commercials and could not give a statement.

MJ 'Claims' Khan

Breakup by Facebook relationship status

Facebook, the popular social network, reached another milestone this week as it saw the first breakup by changing relationship status. Riaz Ali* logged in to his Facebook to find his MiniFeed reading 'Riaz is no longer listed as in a relationship'. On further investigation he discovered his (ex)girlfriend, Rehana Sheik*, had removed him as a friend.

Close friends to the (former) couple say the signs were there for all to see. "She[Rehana] stopped writing on his[Riaz's] wall and removed him from her Top Friends. The breakup was inevitable, he was just in denial."

The couple, who met on Facebook after Riaz clicked on 'Yes' on Rehana's 'Are You Interested?' application, were seemingly in love until Riaz, using the Compare People application, voted Rehana's sister as hotter. "It was really stupid of him not to turn off 'Ok to notify winner'," said Riaz's good friend Bash Mohammed*.

Rehana has since created a group called 'Riaz Ali is a wanker'.

* - This is an asterisk.

Waseem -Allegedly- Dawood

Zuma dumps Tyson

The brief tumultuous relationship between ANC President, Jacob Zuma, and heavyweight boxer, Mike Tyson, came to an end, last week Wednesday, when the former deputy president, Zuma, left Tyson stranded at a fund-raiser.

Almost-News sources have claimed Tyson flew into S.A., under the pretense of a charity event, to mend his on-off relationship with Zuma. 'He[Tyson] really tried his best to make it work, but Zuma is too interested in furthering his political career,' claimed a close friend.

A teary-eyed Tyson confirmed the breakup on Monday, but claimed the split was mutual.'We decided he[Zuma] needs to focus on his political career and the betterment of the ANC. Things are just not easy for Jacob and I right now.'

Waseem -Allegedly- Dawood

Traces of Human Sweat found in KFC breading

The small rural town of Verulam witnessed a media frenzy unlike anything it has experienced before as hundreds of journalists clamored to the local KFC where traces of human sweat have been found. A sample of the pieces has been sent to the CSI team, and KFC management are scrambling to deny any link between its product and slavery.

KFC has an illustrious history, being the first fried food franchise in the world. The first branch was established in 1921 when founder and White Supremist Colonel Sanders chemically engineered a new type of meat seasoned with the sweat of his slaves. Mississippi laws at the time meant that he couldn’t sell Genetically Modified consumables (this law was relaxed in 1990) After consulting with his friend Mr Pemberton, who for years sold cocaine under the name of coca cola, Sanders decided to call his meat chicken to bypass the GM law. He called his takeaway Klan Fried Chicken

Due to the civil rights movement in the sixties, Sanders had to rebrand his franchise. This followed a speech given by Martin Luther King, who said, “I have a dream, that one day I can also enjoy a barrel of chicken without the racist reminder. Sanders still used the sweat of Black people as part of his eleven herbs and spices (the phrase was a homage to Herb Leroy Jonson (Sanders slave who was cleaning the Genetic Meat maker when his sweat mixed with the meat) but changed the name from Klan Fried chicken to KFC.

Manager of the Verulam branch, Mr Shubendren Moodley stated that “While our workers receive below minimum wage and no health insurance or leave whatsoever, I think its rather drastic to call that slavery”. When it was pointed out to him that the slave sweat was part of the breading Mr Moodley regained his composure and calmly said, “well, whats the big deal then?”

In America a congressional hearing has been set up to discuss the matter, but most Senators believe that it’s no big deal, and that their time should be spent discussing more pressing matters like whether the soap in the washrooms be scented or not.

MJ 'Claims' Khan

Facebook crashes local Internet

South Africa's banking system came to a startling halt today as the national network crashed. This led to rioting all over the country as people could not access their savings or make purchases. One distraught man told 'Almost News' that, "This is unacceptable - first the electricity screws us over, and now this? Christmas is in a few weeks. How am I supposed to buy gifts for my daughter if I can't use my credit card?"

Another disgruntled citizen, Mr Charles Taylor stated that "Trust South Africa to have its Y2K seven years after the scare".

The cause of the crash (which experts attribute to broadband overload) was due to someone installing over two hundred applications for their facebook profile. Ms Karol van de Beer's love for new facebook applications strained the already minuscule broadband that South Africa has, and caused the system to crash. Ms de Beer was arrested for contravening an obscure injunction of the recently introduced anti -terrorism bill (two of her neighbours, Mr Goolam and Mr Khan were also arrested due to the proximity of their fences to hers)

Police Inspector, Harry Naidoo, states that "The South African Police Service is committed to protecting the country from all types of negative influences, be it MXIT menaces or facebook fiends. Amongst the notorious applications added, were a variety of alert applications such as 'poke me, stroke me and loke me'. Other applications that ate the bandwidth were, dirty dwarves dancing', and 'freight me date me'. The Police are taking this matter very seriously as it exposes facebooks connection to deviant sex practises as well as human trafficking. Inspector Naidoo has stated that they are most worried about the 'poke me, stroke me loke me' application as the word loke could be a code for an impending terrorist attack. Police urge people to be vigilant regarding facebook applications, and should not use the social networking application for adding useless applications, but for the purpose that it has been created for; to get laid.

MJ 'claims' Khan