Charoubook helps you connect with your bras

Hot on the heels of Muslimbook, 'the first full-featured Muslim social networking site', Preggy from the sevens in Phoenix and his bra Logie from the elevens in Chassies, announced yesterday, that they have decided to launch their own Durban Indian social networking site, Charoubook. Preggy exclusively informed Almost News the reason behind the site. "See yer, charous like to chune, right? So why don't we have a site and all? I chuned my bra Logie, and he reckoned 'Ya cameway, let's dalla one.'"

When asked how Charoubook will differ from the hugely popular Facebook, Preggy said,"Cos check yer it will be for charous isn't? Facebook is lucker and all but we'll have one two top features like what's happening at the Lugs page and Muthu Murugan page. Yoh, that ou is such a ripper." Other features include charou terminology replacing all the regular wording on the site. For eg. Home will be changed to posse, like will be changed to smaak, and what's on your mind will be changed to whatkine for you bra? The traditional Facebook poke will be replaced by a dalla. Preggy's bra Logie also said, "We working on one two other things but we can't chune you'll now."

Charous have been in South Africa for 150 years now and have been meeting their connections ever since. Preggy and Logie feel Charoubook is the ideal medium for charous to meet all their connections and 'chune them whatkind'.

The inception of a Charoubook has given some people cause to question their identity however. Mo Khan from Silverglen said,"I'm a slamou and a charou so whatkind? Must I join Charoubook or Muslimbook? Or maybe Facebook? I have a face also."

Waseem -Allegedly- Dawood

"I'm Too Sexy For The Bank"

Scandal has rocked the American financial sector last week, when it was discovered a good looking woman was fired for being too good looking. Debrahlee Lorenzana, the apparently jaw-droppingly beautiful woman who distracts all the male employees with her hotness, claims she has always been harassed for her good looks and was subsequently fired through no other fault than her (insert-deity-name-here)-given beauty.

Lorenzana, who spends her money on designer clothes, found herself unable to afford clothing which complied to the company's dress code and was subsequently fired for being too attractive for the workplace. She was then led to file for unemployment which made her depressed but still really too hot to work. The tragedy really hit home when she and her son skipped gift-giving on Christmas, which made her decide to sue Citibank for discriminating her hotness.

Her attorney seeing the validity in this gorgeous woman's case promptly took her for a photo-shoot to highlight her plight. "Hot people shouldn't have to suffer this kind of discrimination, that should be reserved for ugly people" said her attorney. Lorenzana does not know how many more jobs her hotness will continue to cost her to lose,but she plans on continuing to be hot.

In other news, an average looking woman was fired for being too average looking. Male employees of Pseudo Company complained their work experiences were too forgettable and demanded a hot woman to make their trips to work more worthwhile. "Maybe we will get Debrahlee Lorenzana," said one hopeful male employee.

Waseem -Allegedly- Dawood

Facebook Not Quit

This past Monday was QuitFacebookDay and for the 2 people who actually participated, the event was an absolute success. As many as 5 people registered for the much-hyped and sparsely participated event to quit Facebook over privacy concerns, but the other 3 people registered again soon after quitting, unable to cope with the ignominy of not having a Facebook account.

Zark Muckerberg, one of the two people who actually quit, didn't feel 'Facebook had much respect for him or his data'. Muckerberg said 'I put up private stuff on Facebook on my own volition, and I expect a free site, which I do not contribute to monetarily, to respect my privacy because I don't feel I have to respect my own. Facebook should do this for me.'

One of the Facebook reverts, who quit initially, and soon afterward signed up again, said, "I could not handle not knowing what my friends, neighbours, colleagues and that guy I met yesterday were doing. I signed up again but now I face the real uphill battle, adding all my friends again."

Facebook were quite upset to discover of the quitting of the two users.A Facebook spokesperson said,"Here at Facebook we treasure each and every one of our users from John Smith, with that weird goat fetish to Peter Williams, whose password is marmalade. Every user is like a people we may know."

Peter Williams, whose password is marmalade and a regular Facebook user, was asked if he would quit Facebook. Williams, whose password is marmalade, replied,"Quit Facebook? Are you mad? Who would water my Farmville crop?"

Waseem -Allegedly- Dawood

Beauty helps end terrorism

Rima Fakih stumbled into the world Muslim population's hearts last night when she won the Miss USA pageant at Planet Hollywood Resort & Casino on the Las Vegas Strip. The significant achievement of a Muslim woman overcoming all odds to win the pageant brought a tear to many a heavily kohled eye.

This morning, Al Qaeda released a video calling off all terrorist activity against the United States. The masked spokesperson was translated as saying, "We shall no longer perpetrate any terrorist activity against the United States and all of its organisations, due to the fact that the country is now represented by one of us. We have also forgiven her transgression of being in the City of Sins and not wearing a headscarf because she looked so beautiful. Truly she is the most beautiful Miss USA since Ali Landry."

The Miss USA organisers however were quite taken aback by the discovery that a Muslim woman had won the pageant. When asked about how the organisation felt about being represented by a Muslim, organisers seemed unconvinced. "Are you sure she is Muslim? She doesn't dress like them with all those burka things. Have you seen how much of skin she shows?"

Although scantily clad, Fakih seems to have been well received by even the strictest practitioners of the faith. Sheikh, who wished to remain anonymous, when asked on what he thought of Rima Fakih, replied smiling,"Shi'ite."

Waseem -Allegedly- Dawood

Ricky Martin Comes Out of Closet. Surprises Noone

In an announcement that surprised precisely nobody, Ricky Martin, the one time singer, revealed that he is indeed gay. While no-one was surprised that he was gay, when the singer came out of the closet on his website, many were surprised to discover that Ricky Martin had a website. "Ricky Martin has a website! Wtf for?" seemed to be the general response to his announcement.

Ricky Martin's agent, hoping to cash in on the buzz of publicity the announcement has created, also revealed that Ricky will now re-release all his previous love songs and change the wording to reflect his current sexual status. Songs to be changed include She's all I ever had, which will now be called He's All I Ever Had and Living La Vida Loca, which will now be called Living La Vida Homo.

Ricky Martin also plans to release his memoirs detailing his life and career. The 3 page book will discuss his life in Puerto Rico, the 3 songs he once sang and how he became a Twitter Trending Topic. When asked if he was not concerned that his lack of fame would doom the 3 page book before it was even published, Ricky replied,"I could always just claim I had an affair, the media tends to love that stuff."

Waseem - Allegedly- Dawood

World Rejoices As Avatar Does Not Win Best Film Oscar

Most of the world collectively breathed a sigh of relief when Avatar deservedly did not win the Best Film Oscar at the recent Academy Awards function. After Avatar's recent Golden Globe win for Best Film, many feared that the Oscars would follow suit and award the vastly over-rated and entirely rubbish Avatar, Best Film for 2009. Not since the gay cowboy drama, Brokeback Mountain, which was basically about cowboys being gay, has the world been so fearful of a Best Film nominee.

George Clooney, whose movie Up In The Air was also nominated for Best Film, said "Man, we really dodged a bullet there. Imagine if Avatar actually won the Oscar, that would just open the door for other crap movies like Twilight to win." When asked if he was disappointed that his own movie didn't win, he replied, "Nah, as long Avatar didn't win, the world is safe for another year."

Among the few people who were upset that Avatar did not win was Tayrou Hanou, who (stupidly) has named himself as a Na'vi and only speaks and acknowledges Na'vi as a language. Hanou said "Kaltxì. Ngaru lu fpom srak?" Almost News refuses to translate this, because we cannot be bothered with this crap.

James Cameron was also unsurprisingly upset about the Oscar snub. "I spend 10 years making this movie and I don't even freaking win the Best Movie award. This is blatant Na'vi-ism." When asked if he wanted to win why he did not have at least an original/interesting story, Cameron replied, "Who cares about story, I had flying dinosaur bird things! Flying dinosaur bird things!"

Waseem -Allegedly- Dawood

Infidelity Is A Fashion Statement

Due to sudden spate of infidelity by high profile celebrities around the world, such as Tiger Woods, John Terry and Jacob Zuma, infidelity is being seen as the new in thing amongst the fashion conscious across the world. From catwalks of Milan to the dusty streets of Stanger, men all over the world are indulging in extra-marital affairs in order to stay with the in crowd.

Jean-Paul Cardin of Milan has revealed although he loved his wife and didn't feel the need to cheat on his wife, he was forced to do so due to peer pressure. Being in the highly fashionable career as a fashion designer, he felt for his family's sake he had to be at the pinnacle of fashion, including sneaking around his wife's back and sleeping with a secretary/model and/or a friend's wife/daughter/partner. Mr Cardin said, "It is like how the American Ice-T said 'Don't hate the playa, hate the game'. "

Wives have also begun to accept infidelity as a fashion trend. Savatri Pillay of Stanger recently discovered her 52 year old husband Balan's infidelity and was surprised to learn the reason was due to him trying to follow the latest fashion trend. She has however accepted that one cannot fight fashion.Mrs. Pillay said "Oyo what must do if it's the fashions? I didn't know he was so fashionable and all." When asked if her husband's infidelity could lead to divorce she replied," Oyo I can't divorce and all, you know how people will talk."

To complement the recent trend, Calvin Klein have decided to come out with a new fragrance called Infidelity to suit the trendy men who are out and about committing infidelity. The new fragrance is said to smell of lies, excuses and cheap lipstick.

Waseem -Allegedly- Dawood