Zim Play Blame Game

After recent reports by Zimbabwe's Information Minister, Sikhanyiso Ndlovu, blaming the cholera outbreak on "serious biological chemical war . . . a genocidal onslaught on the people of Zimbabwe by the British." Mr. Ndlovu also divulged many other shocking acts of atrocity committed by the rest of the world to the once strong and vibrant country.

"Our inflation is all due to the UN, when Kofi Annan, then secretary general, borrowed our Woolworths card, and bought many items on credit, which he failed to pay for, causing Woolworths to charge us vast amounts of interest, as well as tragically preventing us from ever shopping in Woolworths again. He has yet to return the card!" claimed Mr. Ndlovu, angrily.

"We have also been victims of various acts of terrorism which the international media fails to highlight. This very week, Al-Qaeda smashed my wife's car into the garage door, causing untold damage to our home and casting fear into the very hearts of the Zimbabwean people. The Al Qaeda also placed me, inebriated, into the drivers seat, casting doubt onto my flawless character."

Zimbabwean opposition leader, and 'Prime Minister', Morgan Tsvangirai, refused to confirm Ndlovu's claims, but did however share his own finding that Robert Mugabe was sent by aliens to destroy the whole of Zimbabwe.

At the time of going to press, aliens have since denied such a heinous act, and have considered filing a case of libel against Mr. Tsvangirai, but have been put off by their inability to spell his name.

Waseem -Allegedly- Dawood

Innocent if it takes too long to be proven guilty

After a court application was made for 'a permanent stay of execution of charges against Zuma as his case has been delayed for far too long', many defendants have filed a similar plea in order to have charges dropped against them.

Radovan Karadzic, former Bosnian Serb wartime President, facing charges of genocide in the 1992-95 Bosnian war, said 'Oh man, you guys still remember that, can't we all just move on?' His lawyers claim it is not his fault that it took so long to find him. Childhood friend, Miroslav Milosevic said 'He was always good at Hide and Seek, took us hours to find him, eventually we gave up and went to play Stuck in the Mud.'

Robert Mugabe, former, current and future president of Zimbabwe, feels the same mentality to should be applied to the Zimbabwe elections. 'Enough of these power sharing and re-election talks, time has passed for discussions , it is time for me to be president again. Tsvangarai los..., didn't wi..., I'm just president OK!'

Waseem -Allegedly- Dawood

'Zimbabwe has erection plobrem' Hu Jintao

China and Zimbabwe find themselves on the brink of war after Chinese President Hu Jintao has decided to speak out on Zimbabwe's 'erection plobrem' and declared Robert Mugabe 'an inadequate reader'.

Sources close to Mugabe say 'Hu used to be close to Mugabe but who knew Hu could do something like this.'

Efforts to mediate a truce between the two normally peaceable countries has reached an impasse after a heated exchange between their respective leaders.

Hu Jintao demanded to know 'Why is Zimbabwe infration so high?' To which Mr. Mugabe heatedly replied 'Fluctuations!' Hu Jintao then stormed out of the mediation, and just before slamming the door, turned back to Mugabe and said: 'Fluck you Zimbabweans!'

Waseem -Allegedly- Dawood