Fatwa sparks fear in cartoon mice

After a recent Fatwa by Sheik Muhammad Munajid, claiming the mouse is 'Satan's Soldier' and even has gone so far to say killing of Mickey Mouse would be permissible, cartoon mice around the world have been put on high alert.

"I don't know why he don't like me. I'm so leetle. I don't take up much room. And don't eat much." said Speedy Gonzales.

The Brain, a mouse who is well known for his attempts at global conquest feels offended at being branded 'Satan's soldier.' "We work alone and attribute nothing to Satan. This gives me an idea though." The Brain remarked and afterwards asked his companion "Are you pondering what I'm pondering." To which Pinky replied, "I think so, Brain, but how will we get the Spice Girls into the paella? "

The fatwa has led to radicals across the Muslim world to destroy the small, hand-controlled input devices connected to their computers.

"Not that mouse." reassured Sheik Muhammad Munajid.

Waseem -Allegedly- Dawood

Rihanna : 'Shut up and Drive'

21 year old Selwyn Thumbasamy was arrested earlier today for obstruction of justice and disobeying a police officer, Chatsworth police confirmed.

Boya Pillay, the arresting officer, reported that Mr. Thumbasamy did not stop when asked to, and in fact sped up. Officer Boya further detailed in his report when Mr. Thumbasamy did finally stop, Officer Boya discovered he was driving with an open umbrella. Officer Boya then requested Mr. Thumbasamy to step out of the vehicle, which he duly did, but afterwards took a bow.

Mr. Thumbasamy is currently under police custody at the Chatsworth police station where he claims 'Rihanna (the R&B star) told me to do it'. A Rihanna CD was later discovered in his CD player. R&B analysts say it is fortunate Rihanna's Unfaithful was not on the CD, citing the lyric 'Might as well take a gun and put it to his head, get it over with' as particularly worrying.

After a recent case where Satan told a teenage boy to attack people with a sword, police are now investigating links between Rihanna and Satan.

Waseem -Allegedly- Dawood

Innocent if it takes too long to be proven guilty

After a court application was made for 'a permanent stay of execution of charges against Zuma as his case has been delayed for far too long', many defendants have filed a similar plea in order to have charges dropped against them.

Radovan Karadzic, former Bosnian Serb wartime President, facing charges of genocide in the 1992-95 Bosnian war, said 'Oh man, you guys still remember that, can't we all just move on?' His lawyers claim it is not his fault that it took so long to find him. Childhood friend, Miroslav Milosevic said 'He was always good at Hide and Seek, took us hours to find him, eventually we gave up and went to play Stuck in the Mud.'

Robert Mugabe, former, current and future president of Zimbabwe, feels the same mentality to should be applied to the Zimbabwe elections. 'Enough of these power sharing and re-election talks, time has passed for discussions , it is time for me to be president again. Tsvangarai los..., didn't wi..., I'm just president OK!'

Waseem -Allegedly- Dawood

Quagga Returns

Reports have recently come to light that the Quagga is not extinct as previously hoped. Khoisan and British have been blamed, not only for an incomplete job, but for letting the world believe that the Quagga were indeed gone.

'It are horrifying!' exclaimed Piet Pieterse, the first person to re-discover the now just endangered species, who is currently undergoing trauma counselling. 'First I am thinking, Sjoe that are a dirty zebra, then I'm realising that are a ghost of a quagga. I ran like the devil!' The incident was thought to have taken the life of Pieterse's daughter, Marietjie, who he claims was stolen by the 'spirit' of the quagga. Further evidence reveals however that his daughter was safe at home with her mother and never even went with her father on his hunting trip.

There is however some good news. The Hunting We Will Go Association of South Africa (HWWGASA) have promised to return the world to normalcy and rid the world of the quagga once and for all. HWWGASA spokesperson, Jenkins Padapop-pop, has said that the re-extinction might result in sizeable loss in the Sand Zebra population, which he assures us is a small price to pay. A small price indeed.

Waseem -Allegedly- Dawood

Chinese the new black

Stereotyping High Court granted a landmark ruling, this week, that Chinese South Africans are to be included in the definition of black people. During the apartheid era South African Chinese were labelled coloured because of the shape of their eyes. Post-apartheid South Africa left the S.A.C uncertain of the colour of their skin, creating confusion and mass hysteria. The rioting of all 40 S.A.C prompted human rights lawyers to step in. The 2 minute long struggle ended when Court Judge Hendrik O'Reilly exclaimed "Fuck it! we'll do it black.". The ruling states employment will no longer be tied to just pirating DVD's, sweatshops and counterfeit Armani's but taxi driver, roadworks and status of bees. "With the colour black comes great responsibility" said Lee Who " And we will not let our fellow brothers down"


"How Ehh m vely grad my penis size just shot up by 5 inches" said stereotypical black S.A.C Lee Mtshalelwa on the ruling of the court. One particular black S.A.C fondly recalls how his grandfather, a fake Armani bag salesman, used to shout proudly "Hey! Be a black man", adding that "this ruling would have meant a lot to him".

Not everyone is happy with the ruling though, resident racist Karl Konstantine Ketchup complains that it is going to make racism complicated." What am I going to call a Chinese guy now, ***** or ****** how will I know the difference... they all look the same" said Karl who was immediately arrested for his backward thinking.

Lucky Tv Gam

Almost News set to Publish a Magazine

This is MJ Khan reporting on behalf of Almost News. Almost News is pleased to announce that we are now diversifying and will be publishing a monthly magazine to complement the popular news site. According to my mum, Almost News is the best Online news resource in Africa, and perhaps the entire world.

For the magazine, you can expect in depth and articulate articles concerning every day life in South Africa. Topics such as

Celebrity Drug Habits
Well, you never did have Brad Pitt’s looks, so you might as well have his heroin addiction. Find out which stars get paid high and which stars just get high! Then take Bored’s celebrity dope test and see whether you also down your ecstasy with Evian!

Bonsai Kitten
The Japanese have always been known for their sinister hobbies. Who can forget those blasted Tamagotchi’s and their retarding effect on techno geeks everywhere? The latest craze from the land of the rising pollution is collecting helpless little rat-eaters in jars. Get your fill of bottle stuffed felines. Who knows, next they might blenderize the little bastards. Anyone for liquid pussy?

Ange- who?
Those of you who were too busy scraping smegma from your shlong probably missed the latest season of Singstar superstars. Unfortunately the rest of us weren’t so lucky. This issue we interview Angelina, the sexy blonde winner and ask the question that’s eating everyone’s heads- “Since we can see that she has no recognizable talent whatsoever, whose monkey did she spank to win?

Dead Man Wisdom
Ever wondered if famous people were still alive, what would they make of this hellhole we’re infesting? This month, we exhume Gandhi and Elvis, who take the floor and discuss ‘Xenophobia, the morality of cloning Celine Dion and the exponential increase of popcorn prices at the cinemas.

Wholesome fatherly Advice
Resident playboy supreme Waseem Dawood teaches you how to seduce your best friends little sister, while still being able to go to his house and kick his ass at tekken. This’ll be a good time to start brushing up on those golden lines “I swear officer, she told me that she was seventeen!”

Bargain Bin Game reviews- Enter the Matrix for the PS2
Red Pill? Blue Pill? Aah, to hell with it- take them both. Our exclusive review of every brainwashed lunatic’s wet dream explains why 2003's biggest game became the world’s biggest bomb. Being huge Shiny Inc fans, we expected something along the lines of Morpheus’s catchphrase “Open Your Eyes”, instead we get Neo’s “relax your sphincter and flush” routine. More flaccid than your granddad on a cold day.

Death by Health-food
Here’s a great excuse not to exercise: ab crunch ruptureriosus. A 21-year-old soldier in the SADF went to hospital with sever aching in his upper abdomen. In his quest for a washboard stomach, he had overworked his abs causing his muscles to burst. Virgin Active are now going to have to work extra hard to get me off my lazy ass.

Salma Hayek
The hottest star on Plant earth has turned down every magazine in the world – Including Almost News. So we decided to show some pictures of her without her consent! Many tireless nights were spent crawling the net for these photos. The dedication we bring to our readers is so strong that we refused to choose our final spread until we examined every picture of her in absolute detail.

Plagiarism for Dummies
Boasting a foreword by the world’s most recognizable cheater, Bill Clinton, Plagiarism for Dummies or for our more simple readers, ‘ Cheating for Dumb Shits’. This informative guide covers everything from copying in your grade twelve finals; to the art of plagiarizing other people’s entire dissertations of the Internet and claiming they’re yours. Chapters on ‘How to write answers on your fore-arm without contracting ink poisoning’ mix well with subsequent chapters like the inevitable ‘Yes, that is my work’ and ‘how to lie well’. An informative read which deserves its place next to the toilet of all Almost News readers.


‘If that was true, I’d be blind by now’
I don’t wax my palms every second week, and I can read perfectly fine. We at AN sincerely believe that masturbation is the answer to the AIDS pandemic that is seizing our nation. This months feature article discusses the pros and cons (hardly any) of ‘wanking’. However, as our cover suggests, everything should be done in moderation i.e. get a girlfriend loser!


Lord of the Rings DVD preview
The summer’s biggest hit is about a group of midgets taking a stroll through a forest with their jewelry. Tolkien, the creator of middle-earth who had way too much time on his hands, is worshipped as a God in the more literate countries, which makes him, according to our education levels, on a slightly higher level than a slave. For all you wannabe conspiracy theorists out there, the second movie was based on a book that was written ages before the twin towers collapsed. It wasn’t made to cash in on it butt-monkeys. The last part of the trilogy, Return of The King, has nothing to do with any dead, overgrown, burger munching, side-burn wearing rock stars. Puff Daddy is rumoured to play the role of The Dark Lord Sauron, can any one say “Lord of The Bling Bling?”

Wanksta’s guide to being hip, dog!

“White boy be preaching up in here,” holla’s resident eminem wannabe- ‘wanksta’. This issue sees the inception of Wanksta’s ‘dress like a pimp and pick up ho’s fashion tips, as well as a run-down of the phattest ice you can wrap around your neck. He also gives ‘ word to your momma.

MJ 'claims' Khan

'Zimbabwe has erection plobrem' Hu Jintao

China and Zimbabwe find themselves on the brink of war after Chinese President Hu Jintao has decided to speak out on Zimbabwe's 'erection plobrem' and declared Robert Mugabe 'an inadequate reader'.

Sources close to Mugabe say 'Hu used to be close to Mugabe but who knew Hu could do something like this.'

Efforts to mediate a truce between the two normally peaceable countries has reached an impasse after a heated exchange between their respective leaders.

Hu Jintao demanded to know 'Why is Zimbabwe infration so high?' To which Mr. Mugabe heatedly replied 'Fluctuations!' Hu Jintao then stormed out of the mediation, and just before slamming the door, turned back to Mugabe and said: 'Fluck you Zimbabweans!'

Waseem -Allegedly- Dawood