"Not R3,50, a 350Z!"

A Cape Town businessman, who callously gave two car guards his Audi R8 for watching his car, has set a horrible precedent for other motorists, as all over the country, car guards have only been accepting sports cars for their services. Motorists are being forced to choose between acceding to the car guard's demands of a sports car or leave their cars unattended.

Helen Thomas, a Sandton resident, has already been forced to give car guards 2 Aston Martins and a Audi TT this week. Thomas, a regular visitor to Sandton City, has only 2 sports cars left, a Lamborghini and a Mazda RX8, is concerned that if the trend does not die down soon she will have to part with both her sports cars and be left with just her Mercedes S Class. When asked why she doesn't rather use the pay parkade, she replied, "Are you crazy? Those things are like R10 an hour!"

The trend has definitely benefited the car guards however, and they are now able to pretend to guard cars within the luxury of their very own sports cars. Dennis Nkosi, a car guard from the Kingsmead Stadium in Durban, who now sits watching cars from the comfort of his newly acquired Lamborghini Gallardo, said,"We [the car guards] are now getting the payment we deserve for pretending to watch over cars." There are some problems with sudden influx of sports cars though, as Nkosi explained. "We do have a problem with too many car guards parking in the places our customers are supposed to park in but we hope to resolve that by building our own car guard parking complex next to the stadium itself. "

There are a few motorists however, who do not have sports cars to tip car guards with and are being forced to either pay the truly exorbitant pay parkade fees or park at home and walk to their chosen destination. One such pedestrian, an 18 year old Preggie Naidoo, who owns just a 1992 Toyota Corolla, refuses to begrudge the car guards for their sensational tips. "One day I hope to be able to afford a sports car to tip the car guard with, or maybe even become a car guard myself ", said Naidoo optimistically.

Waseem -Allegedly- Dawood

Breaking News : Hakuna Matata actually means Fuck Off

(Im actually killing two birds with one stone here - doing Kays writing challenge and a quick almost news piece.

Walt Disneys animated classic, The Lion King is at the centre of a new controversy this week after it was alleged that the movie contained profanity not suitable for children. This revelation came in the form of a paper presented at the Global African Culture conference this monday. Respected Proffessor of Linguistics and African Studies, Prof Lebo M. described his shock at first encountering the 'swear words' when he was in America earlier this year.

'Who told Walt Disney that Hakuna Matata meant No Worries in Swahili?' asked the respected scholar and researcher to a packed auditorium in Kinshasa. 'It is nothing more than American arogance to insinuate such a thing without even consulting a single person who speaks Swahili. If this was a joke by some underpaid and overworked scritpwriter, I am here to say, It is not funny!'

Almost News interviewed the Director of the movie, Rob Minkoff who just brushed it off as some tribe trying to cash in on the movies success. Dont they know that this movie is bigger than some small language that no one speaks?

(Ok, times up. I wont edit or anything - I did check up the directors name before starting though)

Kanye West Converts to Islam

Infamous Rapper and Music Producer,Kanye West, joins a large group of celebrities who have embraced Islam as their new faith.

The award winning Producer took the shahadah eleven months ago while promoting his Clothing line 'Past Tell' in Iran. Unlike most Celebrity converts to Islam who have converted to Sunni Islam, Kanye has been influenced by Islams largest minority group, The Shia.

Often seen with Irans Supreme Leader Ayatollah Khamenei, Kanye represents a more hip and approachable form of belief to young Shiaas all over the world. When asked about Irans Nuclear programme at a recent press conference, Kanye Said that this was a conspiracy because "George Bush doesnt care about Arab People"

The often controversial Rapper has also re-recorded some of his songs as a means of expressing his new faith. "Ali Walks" (an adaptation of hit single 'Jesus Walks') is a firm favourite in downtown Tehran. "Cat Stevens did it with Peace Train and Wild World so why not" said West.

The artist recently upset those at the National Islamic Society of North America conference last week by interrupting Professor Tariq Ramadans keynote address on the Khulafa E Rashideen by grabbing the mike from the Oxford Intellectual and saying "Yo Ramadan, Imma let you finish But Ali was supposed to be the first Caliph", before being booed off stage.

MJ 'Claims' Khan

High School Musical 4: Now with X-Men

The world was stunned this past Monday with the news that Disney had bought Marvel in a stock and cash transaction worth 4 billion dollars. The announcement left many Marvel fans in shock, and are now living in abject fear of possible crossovers. Living up to their moniker of dream butchers, Disney have announced their first crossover to be released sometime next year, High School Musical 4: Now with X-Men.

The 4th installment of the immensely popular, yet immensely stupid, movie series High School Musical will reprise most of its cast and will see the High School Musical gang join a new school called Professor C's School for Gifted Dancers. This new movie will see the kids learn that everyone is special in their own way as well as some other life lessons along the way.

While most of High School Musical cast will remain the same, there will be a few changes made to the X-Men cast to appeal to their mostly younger audience. Professor C* (formerly Professor X) will now have the ability to make people fall in love (instead of telepathy) while Peace (formerly known as Rogue) now has the ability to make anyone she touches smile. X-Men fans will be pleased to know Wolverine has kept his name although he no longer has his adamantium skeleton and his super healing but instead has the ability to heal others. Wolverine's role is said to be the hot male nurse of the school.

A number of other Disney/ Marvel crossovers are also planned including Silver Surfing: The Suite Life, Camp Rock 2: Meet Camp Counselor Hulk, Jonas Brothers Learns To Iron Man and Spider Montana.

* - C is short for Cupid

Waseem -Allegedly- Dawood

Nuptials No Joyride For Nachts

The popular magic carpet ride, 1001 Nachts, broke down today, and then burst into tears, in what was a rare display of emotion from the normally inanimate ride. The ride later revealed that he is totally depressed and devastated about his upcoming nuptials with Miss Amy Wolfe.

A Ferris wheel close to Nachts claims he never consented to the marriage in the first place, and he was of the belief that he had a purely business relationship with Miss Wolfe. The Ferris Wheel even claimed that the upcoming wedding has affected his work performance. "Nachts had plenty of ups and downs before, but he seems to be down all the time now."

Nachts himself admitted, marriage to Miss Wolfe was not his idea and he in fact had other plans for his future. "Like all other fairground rides, I've always wanted a family of my own, maybe marry a merry go round and have a couple of tilt-a-whirls, but this is definitely not what I had in mind."

Miss Wolfe's family and friends also seem to be against the marriage. Miss Wolfe's less ugly sister, Maria Defy, who is married to a refrigerator, remarked, "He is just taking her for a ride!"

Waseem -Allegedly- Dawood

Obama Slams Terrorist Attack

President Obama is being lauded a hero after single-handedly defending the White House against a terrorist attack, last Wednesday. The attack perpetrated by known Al-Qaeda operative, Dubban Al Bait, was promptly put to an end by Obama, after the fly failed to heed Obama's warning of "Get out of here!"

The execution of Dubban Al Bait has left Al Qaeda reeling and many operatives have been left shocked with Obama's ruthless treatment of their beloved operative. Osama Bin Laden, in a secret video to Youtube, said,"Dubban was a prince among flies, and is surely in heaven right now, surrounded by many other virgin flies, or whatever it is flies like. Dubban's sacrifice will not be forgotten and our retaliation will be swift and devastating. Death to the Infidels!"

Dubban's mission was believed to have been to buzz around the Oval Office until Obama out of frustration and helplessness was driven to suicide. Although Obama's quick reflexes have seemingly saved the day, he is not naive enough to believe the threat is over. He[Obama] said, "If we do not respond to these attacks, Al Qaeda and other terrorist empathisers such as Iran, may resort to even worse attacks. Next time it could be a mosquito!"

Waseem -Allegedly-Dawood

De Lille Falls For Parliament Prank

Patricia De Lille, leader of the Independent Democrats, fell victim to a serious prank yesterday, when she was led to believe that the State of the Nation Address was a costume party. De Lille's as yet unidentified costume was the talk of the day, even overshadowing President Zuma's State of the Nation speech, as well as blinding a few other Members of Parliament.

De Lille was however not upset about being pranked and felt happy to breathe some color into proceedings. When asked who she was pretending to be, De Lille replied,"Isn't it obvious?" To which many bystanders replied, "No, it's not!"

"Ha Ha!" remarked President Zuma.

Waseem -Allegedly- Dawood