Obama Slams Terrorist Attack

President Obama is being lauded a hero after single-handedly defending the White House against a terrorist attack, last Wednesday. The attack perpetrated by known Al-Qaeda operative, Dubban Al Bait, was promptly put to an end by Obama, after the fly failed to heed Obama's warning of "Get out of here!"

The execution of Dubban Al Bait has left Al Qaeda reeling and many operatives have been left shocked with Obama's ruthless treatment of their beloved operative. Osama Bin Laden, in a secret video to Youtube, said,"Dubban was a prince among flies, and is surely in heaven right now, surrounded by many other virgin flies, or whatever it is flies like. Dubban's sacrifice will not be forgotten and our retaliation will be swift and devastating. Death to the Infidels!"

Dubban's mission was believed to have been to buzz around the Oval Office until Obama out of frustration and helplessness was driven to suicide. Although Obama's quick reflexes have seemingly saved the day, he is not naive enough to believe the threat is over. He[Obama] said, "If we do not respond to these attacks, Al Qaeda and other terrorist empathisers such as Iran, may resort to even worse attacks. Next time it could be a mosquito!"

Waseem -Allegedly-Dawood

De Lille Falls For Parliament Prank

Patricia De Lille, leader of the Independent Democrats, fell victim to a serious prank yesterday, when she was led to believe that the State of the Nation Address was a costume party. De Lille's as yet unidentified costume was the talk of the day, even overshadowing President Zuma's State of the Nation speech, as well as blinding a few other Members of Parliament.

De Lille was however not upset about being pranked and felt happy to breathe some color into proceedings. When asked who she was pretending to be, De Lille replied,"Isn't it obvious?" To which many bystanders replied, "No, it's not!"

"Ha Ha!" remarked President Zuma.

Waseem -Allegedly- Dawood

Babe Star Flies Off The Handle

It was pandemonium on the sets of the soon to be released movie Babe: Pig in Space, today, when the lead star, Hwan Nwan, erupted into sneezing fit while shooting. Many of the cast and crew scattered from the sets, disrupting the entire day's shooting.

Many of the cast and crew have since refused to come back, and labeled the set as a 'death trap'. The Cow, who chose to remain anonymous, said "Moo!". While Magda Szubanski, who reprises her role as Farmer Hoggett's wife revealed,"There has been alot of tension ever since Hwan, which sounds suspiciously Mexican, refused to admit or deny to the role of pigs in recent H1/N1 epidemic."

Hwan, the series star, as well as the star of many other blockbusters such as Jurassic Pork, Hamistad and Ocean's Eleven, found the cast and crew's reaction appalling and distasteful. "I have been been working with most of them for almost 15 years, and I would have expected more support in this trying time. Especially since I was so supportive to Ferdinand during the days of bird flu, and to The Cow during the days of mad cow disease. This is blatant speciesm!"

Director Chris Noonan, however, has remained upbeat and thinks that the situation will blow over, but found Hwan's claims of speciesm totally absurd and was forced to give Hwan a talk over his accusations."I told him that this was the last I wanted to hear such hogwash, I said,'That'll do, Pig. That'll do.'"

Waseem -Allegedly- Dawood

Pirates of the Somalian

Just days after the recent hostage crisis, where Somali pirates were killed and the kidnapped captain was rescued, an unnamed source has revealed the mysterious origins of the infamous Somali pirates.

Asad ibn Blackbeard, who chose to remain anonymous, claims the origins could be traced back to 'Talk Like a Pirate Day', when many of the Somali men enjoyed talking as pirates so much, they decided they would enjoy nothing more than to be pirates all year around more. Anonymous [Asad] said,"Aye, it be startin' innocent enough, when all we be lootin' is our sisters kitchen for a biscuit or two. Arrr, those were the days. But pretty soon me matey Masood ibn LongJohn be buyin' us lubbers a vessel of our very own."

Since then, Asad claims, there were 'many a booty to be had', but disaster struck soon after. "Shiver me timbers, that Pirates of Carribean 3 movie be comin' out, and it be no longer savvy to be a pirate. We be tryin' to give up but after a while we be sayin' Arrrr, and started up again."

According to the Kenyan foreign minister, Somali pirates have received over US$150 million during the 12 months prior to November 2008, which has led Barack Obama to call for immediate action. When asked how he[Obama] proposes to combat the pirates, President Obama said,"I will be sending an elite task force of Somali Ninjas, because everyone knows pirates worst enemies are ninjas."

Waseem -Allegedly-Dawood

Dalai Lama Peaced Off

Tibetan spiritual leader, Dalai Lama has been denied a visa to South Africa as 'A visit now by the Dalai Lama would move the focus from South Africa' according to Kgalema Motlanthe, SA President. "It's my country and I will cry if I want to," said the President."And I will also invite who I want."

Denying any involvement of China, Motlanthe's senior advisor, Wen Wu said, "Plesident no risten to China, he onry risten to me and other tlusted advisor, Hong Li and Hui Chen." Mr. Wu did however concede that China is 'vely important fleind of South Aflica'.

A spokesman for the Dalai Lama said he was "very disappointed" by the decision but surprisingly defiant and has claimed, "I didn't wanna come for your stupid conference anyway."

Despite the multiple outcries of disappointment from political parties and the public at large, several business owners have applauded the President's decision. "Darai Rama come, we no get stock. We no get stock, we no get money. Kgarema make light decision."

Waseem -Allegedly- Dawood

New President of Madagascar 'likes to move it, move it'

Madagascar's constitutional court has declared His Royal Highness, the illustrious King Julian the XIII, self-proclaimed lord of the lemurs, et cetera, et cetera, the new president of the Indian Ocean island. His appointment has come a day after former president, Marc Ravalomanana, was swept from office by the army.

On his appointment, King Julian thanked the army, "After much deep and profound brain things inside my head, I have decided to thank you for bringing peace to our home." He also sang out his credentials to several thousand fans celebrating in May 13 Square in the capital, Antananarivo. 'I am very clever king... tok tok tok tok... I am super genius... I am robot king of the monkey thing... compute... compute.'

Although UN chief Ban Ki-moon expressed concern, many of King Julian's fellow African leaders have embraced Madagascar's new president, including Robert Mugabe, president of Zimbabwe, who found common ground between Africa's youngest leader and himself. Mugabe said,'He likes to move it, move it. We like to ... move it.'

Waseem -Allegedly- Dawood

Schabir Shaik Sick Swears Doctors

Due to the huge public outcry, and immense political condemnation, the medical doctors responsible for advising the parole board to allow Schabir Shaik on medical parole, have today decided to speak out on the terminal illness of Mr. Shaik and quash all misconceptions over their high profile decision.

Dr. Q. Uack, speaking from his newly purchased home in Sandton, informed journalists that Mr. Shaik was suffering from a rare and fatal strain of HSV (Home Sickness Virus)."We attempted curing the virus by feeding him home-cooked meals and various other takeouts he used to enjoy, as well as allowing him time out with his son, but he seemed non-responsive to treatment and we were forced to recommend medical parole."

Dr. Joseph Kenilworth of the Joseph Oxford Kenilworth Edwards University, another of the attending doctors, was shocked to find Mr. Shaik suffering from severe depression. "Never in all my years as a doctor have I ever found a prisoner to be suffering from depression. We had to act quickly before the depression spread and many more prisoners became depressed about prison life." Dr Kenilworth however reassured the public that he believed that they had managed to catch the dreaded disease in time.

Dr. F. Ake, another attending doctor, whose credentials include visited the doctor on many occasions, said,"The man[Shaik] is sick, for godsakes, he could die at any minute." When queried as to how long Mr. Shaik had to live, Dr. Ake said,"I don't know. What do I look like? A doctor? "

Waseem -Allegedly- Dawood