Friday, May 30, 2008

Almost News set to Publish a Magazine

This is MJ Khan reporting on behalf of Almost News. Almost News is pleased to announce that we are now diversifying and will be publishing a monthly magazine to complement the popular news site. According to my mum, Almost News is the best Online news resource in Africa, and perhaps the entire world.
For the magazine, you can expect in depth and articulate articles concerning every day life in South Africa. Topics such as

Celebrity Drug Habits
Well, you never did have Brad Pitt’s looks, so you might as well have his heroin addiction. Find out which stars get paid high and which stars just get high! Then take Bored’s celebrity dope test and see whether you also down your ecstasy with Evian!

Bonsai Kitten
The Japanese have always been known for their sinister hobbies. Who can forget those blasted Tamagotchi’s and their retarding effect on techno geeks everywhere? The latest craze from the land of the rising pollution is collecting helpless little rat-eaters in jars. Get your fill of bottle stuffed felines. Who knows, next they might blenderize the little bastards. Anyone for liquid pussy?

Ange- who?
Those of you who were too busy scraping smegma from your shlong probably missed the latest season of Singstar superstars. Unfortunately the rest of us weren’t so lucky. This issue we interview Angelina, the sexy blonde winner and ask the question that’s eating everyone’s heads- “Since we can see that she has no recognizable talent whatsoever, whose monkey did she spank to win?

Dead Man Wisdom
Ever wondered if famous people were still alive, what would they make of this hellhole we’re infesting? This month, we exhume Gandhi and Elvis, who take the floor and discuss ‘Xenophobia, the morality of cloning Celine Dion and the exponential increase of popcorn prices at the cinemas.

Wholesome fatherly Advice
Resident playboy supreme Waseem Dawood teaches you how to seduce your best friends little sister, while still being able to go to his house and kick his ass at tekken. This’ll be a good time to start brushing up on those golden lines “I swear officer, she told me that she was seventeen!”

Bargain Bin Game reviews- Enter the Matrix for the PS2
Red Pill? Blue Pill? Aah, to hell with it- take them both. Our exclusive review of every brainwashed lunatic’s wet dream explains why 2003's biggest game became the world’s biggest bomb. Being huge Shiny Inc fans, we expected something along the lines of Morpheus’s catchphrase “Open Your Eyes”, instead we get Neo’s “relax your sphincter and flush” routine. More flaccid than your granddad on a cold day.

Death by Health-food
Here’s a great excuse not to exercise: ab crunch ruptureriosus. A 21-year-old soldier in the SADF went to hospital with sever aching in his upper abdomen. In his quest for a washboard stomach, he had overworked his abs causing his muscles to burst. Virgin Active are now going to have to work extra hard to get me off my lazy ass.

Salma Hayek
The hottest star on Plant earth has turned down every magazine in the world – Including Almost News. So we decided to show some pictures of her without her consent! Many tireless nights were spent crawling the net for these photos. The dedication we bring to our readers is so strong that we refused to choose our final spread until we examined every picture of her in absolute detail.

Plagiarism for Dummies
Boasting a foreword by the world’s most recognizable cheater, Bill Clinton, Plagiarism for Dummies or for our more simple readers, ‘ Cheating for Dumb Shits’. This informative guide covers everything from copying in your grade twelve finals; to the art of plagiarizing other people’s entire dissertations of the Internet and claiming they’re yours. Chapters on ‘How to write answers on your fore-arm without contracting ink poisoning’ mix well with subsequent chapters like the inevitable ‘Yes, that is my work’ and ‘how to lie well’. An informative read which deserves its place next to the toilet of all Almost News readers.

If that was true, I’d be blind by now’
I don’t wax my palms every second week, and I can read perfectly fine. We at AN sincerely believe that masturbation is the answer to the AIDS pandemic that is seizing our nation. This months feature article discusses the pros and cons (hardly any) of ‘wanking’. However, as our cover suggests, everything should be done in moderation i.e. get a girlfriend loser!

Lord of the Rings DVD preview
The summer’s biggest hit is about a group of midgets taking a stroll through a forest with their jewelry. Tolkien, the creator of middle-earth who had way too much time on his hands, is worshipped as a God in the more literate countries, which makes him, according to our education levels, on a slightly higher level than a slave. For all you wannabe conspiracy theorists out there, the second movie was based on a book that was written ages before the twin towers collapsed. It wasn’t made to cash in on it butt-monkeys. The last part of the trilogy, Return of The King, has nothing to do with any dead, overgrown, burger munching, side-burn wearing rock stars. Puff Daddy is rumoured to play the role of The Dark Lord Sauron, can any one say “Lord of The Bling Bling?”

Wanksta’s guide to being hip, dog!
“White boy be preaching up in here,” holla’s resident eminem wannabe- ‘wanksta’. This issue sees the inception of Wanksta’s ‘dress like a pimp and pick up ho’s fashion tips, as well as a run-down of the phattest ice you can wrap around your neck. He also gives ‘ word to your momma.

MJ 'claims' Khan

Saturday, May 17, 2008

'Zimbabwe has erection plobrem' Hu Jintao

China and Zimbabwe find themselves on the brink of war after Chinese President Hu Jintao has decided to speak out on Zimbabwe's 'erection plobrem' and declared Robert Mugabe 'an inadequate reader'.

Sources close to Mugabe say 'Hu used to be close to Mugabe but who knew Hu could do something like this.'

Efforts to mediate a truce between the two normally peaceable countries has reached an impasse after a heated exchange between their respective leaders.

Hu Jintao demanded to know 'Why is Zimbabwe infration so high?' To which Mr. Mugabe heatedly replied 'Fluctuations!' Hu Jintao then stormed out of the mediation, and just before slamming the door, turned back to Mugabe and said: 'Fluck you Zimbabweans!'

Waseem -Allegedly- Dawood

Monday, May 5, 2008

Boy contemplates meaning of lunch

'Oh boy, mum remembered polony' Hamza replied sarcastically when asked what he had brought for lunch.

Hamza said today '90% of my lunch is some kind of polony derivative.'

'It sucks' added Hamza.

Meanwhile Waseem has brought burgers for lunch claiming his mother loves him. 'She even put the burgers in buns,' he said.

Waseem -Allegedly- Dawood