Friday, October 23, 2009

Breaking News : Hakuna Matata actually means Fuck Off

(Im actually killing two birds with one stone here - doing Kays writing challenge and a quick almost news piece.

Walt Disneys animated classic, The Lion King is at the centre of a new controversy this week after it was alleged that the movie contained profanity not suitable for children. This revelation came in the form of a paper presented at the Global African Culture conference this monday. Respected Proffessor of Linguistics and African Studies, Prof Lebo M. described his shock at first encountering the 'swear words' when he was in America earlier this year.

'Who told Walt Disney that Hakuna Matata meant No Worries in Swahili?' asked the respected scholar and researcher to a packed auditorium in Kinshasa. 'It is nothing more than American arogance to insinuate such a thing without even consulting a single person who speaks Swahili. If this was a joke by some underpaid and overworked scritpwriter, I am here to say, It is not funny!'

Almost News interviewed the Director of the movie, Rob Minkoff who just brushed it off as some tribe trying to cash in on the movies success. Dont they know that this movie is bigger than some small language that no one speaks?

(Ok, times up. I wont edit or anything - I did check up the directors name before starting though)

Tuesday, September 15, 2009

Kanye West Converts to Islam

Infamous Rapper and Music Producer,Kanye West, joins a large group of celebrities who have embraced Islam as their new faith.

The award winning Producer took the shahadah eleven months ago while promoting his Clothing line 'Past Tell' in Iran. Unlike most Celebrity converts to Islam who have converted to Sunni Islam, Kanye has been influenced by Islams largest minority group, The Shia.

Often seen with Irans Supreme Leader Ayatollah Khamenei, Kanye represents a more hip and approachable form of belief to young Shiaas all over the world. When asked about Irans Nuclear programme at a recent press conference, Kanye Said that this was a conspiracy because "George Bush doesnt care about Arab People"

The often controversial Rapper has also re-recorded some of his songs as a means of expressing his new faith. "Ali Walks" (an adaptation of hit single 'Jesus Walks') is a firm favourite in downtown Tehran. "Cat Stevens did it with Peace Train and Wild World so why not" said West.

The artist recently upset those at the National Islamic Society of North America conference last week by interrupting Professor Tariq Ramadans keynote address on the Khulafa E Rashideen by grabbing the mike from the Oxford Intellectual and saying "Yo Ramadan, Imma let you finish But Ali was supposed to be the first Caliph", before being booed off stage.

MJ 'Claims' Khan

Wednesday, September 2, 2009

High School Musical 4: Now with X-Men

The world was stunned this past Monday with the news that Disney had bought Marvel in a stock and cash transaction worth 4 billion dollars. The announcement left many Marvel fans in shock, and are now living in abject fear of possible crossovers. Living up to their moniker of dream butchers, Disney have announced their first crossover to be released sometime next year, High School Musical 4: Now with X-Men.

The 4th installment of the immensely popular, yet immensely stupid, movie series High School Musical will reprise most of its cast and will see the High School Musical gang join a new school called Professor C's School for Gifted Dancers. This new movie will see the kids learn that everyone is special in their own way as well as some other life lessons along the way.

While most of High School Musical cast will remain the same, there will be a few changes made to the X-Men cast to appeal to their mostly younger audience. Professor C* (formerly Professor X) will now have the ability to make people fall in love (instead of telepathy) while Peace (formerly known as Rogue) now has the ability to make anyone she touches smile. X-Men fans will be pleased to know Wolverine has kept his name although he no longer has his adamantium skeleton and his super healing but instead has the ability to heal others. Wolverine's role is said to be the hot male nurse of the school.

A number of other Disney/ Marvel crossovers are also planned including Silver Surfing: The Suite Life, Camp Rock 2: Meet Camp Counselor Hulk, Jonas Brothers Learns To Iron Man and Spider Montana.

* - C is short for Cupid

Waseem -Allegedly- Dawood

Thursday, August 6, 2009

Nuptials No Joyride For Nachts

The popular magic carpet ride, 1001 Nachts, broke down today, and then burst into tears, in what was a rare display of emotion from the normally inanimate ride. The ride later revealed that he is totally depressed and devastated about his upcoming nuptials with Miss Amy Wolfe.

A Ferris wheel close to Nachts claims he never consented to the marriage in the first place, and he was of the belief that he had a purely business relationship with Miss Wolfe. The Ferris Wheel even claimed that the upcoming wedding has affected his work performance. "Nachts had plenty of ups and downs before, but he seems to be down all the time now."

Nachts himself admitted, marriage to Miss Wolfe was not his idea and he in fact had other plans for his future. "Like all other fairground rides, I've always wanted a family of my own, maybe marry a merry go round and have a couple of tilt-a-whirls, but this is definitely not what I had in mind."

Miss Wolfe's family and friends also seem to be against the marriage. Miss Wolfe's less ugly sister, Maria Defy, who is married to a refrigerator, remarked, "He is just taking her for a ride!"

Waseem -Allegedly- Dawood

Tuesday, June 23, 2009

Obama Slams Terrorist Attack

President Obama is being lauded a hero after single-handedly defending the White House against a terrorist attack, last Wednesday. The attack perpetrated by known Al-Qaeda operative, Dubban Al Bait, was promptly put to an end by Obama, after the fly failed to heed Obama's warning of "Get out of here!"

The execution of Dubban Al Bait has left Al Qaeda reeling and many operatives have been left shocked with Obama's ruthless treatment of their beloved operative. Osama Bin Laden, in a secret video to Youtube, said,"Dubban was a prince among flies, and is surely in heaven right now, surrounded by many other virgin flies, or whatever it is flies like. Dubban's sacrifice will not be forgotten and our retaliation will be swift and devastating. Death to the Infidels!"

Dubban's mission was believed to have been to buzz around the Oval Office until Obama out of frustration and helplessness was driven to suicide. Although Obama's quick reflexes have seemingly saved the day, he is not naive enough to believe the threat is over. He[Obama] said, "If we do not respond to these attacks, Al Qaeda and other terrorist empathisers such as Iran, may resort to even worse attacks. Next time it could be a mosquito!"

Waseem -Allegedly-Dawood

Thursday, June 4, 2009

De Lille Falls For Parliament Prank

Patricia De Lille, leader of the Independent Democrats, fell victim to a serious prank yesterday, when she was led to believe that the State of the Nation Address was a costume party. De Lille's as yet unidentified costume was the talk of the day, even overshadowing President Zuma's State of the Nation speech, as well as blinding a few other Members of Parliament.

De Lille was however not upset about being pranked and felt happy to breathe some color into proceedings. When asked who she was pretending to be, De Lille replied,"Isn't it obvious?" To which many bystanders replied, "No, it's not!"

"Ha Ha!" remarked President Zuma.

Waseem -Allegedly- Dawood

Wednesday, May 13, 2009

Babe Star Flies Off The Handle

It was pandemonium on the sets of the soon to be released movie Babe: Pig in Space, today, when the lead star, Hwan Nwan, erupted into sneezing fit while shooting. Many of the cast and crew scattered from the sets, disrupting the entire day's shooting.

Many of the cast and crew have since refused to come back, and labeled the set as a 'death trap'. The Cow, who chose to remain anonymous, said "Moo!". While Magda Szubanski, who reprises her role as Farmer Hoggett's wife revealed,"There has been alot of tension ever since Hwan, which sounds suspiciously Mexican, refused to admit or deny to the role of pigs in recent H1/N1 epidemic."

Hwan, the series star, as well as the star of many other blockbusters such as Jurassic Pork, Hamistad and Ocean's Eleven, found the cast and crew's reaction appalling and distasteful. "I have been been working with most of them for almost 15 years, and I would have expected more support in this trying time. Especially since I was so supportive to Ferdinand during the days of bird flu, and to The Cow during the days of mad cow disease. This is blatant speciesm!"

Director Chris Noonan, however, has remained upbeat and thinks that the situation will blow over, but found Hwan's claims of speciesm totally absurd and was forced to give Hwan a talk over his accusations."I told him that this was the last I wanted to hear such hogwash, I said,'That'll do, Pig. That'll do.'"

Waseem -Allegedly- Dawood

Thursday, April 16, 2009

Pirates of the Somalian

Just days after the recent hostage crisis, where Somali pirates were killed and the kidnapped captain was rescued, an unnamed source has revealed the mysterious origins of the infamous Somali pirates.

Asad ibn Blackbeard, who chose to remain anonymous, claims the origins could be traced back to 'Talk Like a Pirate Day', when many of the Somali men enjoyed talking as pirates so much, they decided they would enjoy nothing more than to be pirates all year around more. Anonymous [Asad] said,"Aye, it be startin' innocent enough, when all we be lootin' is our sisters kitchen for a biscuit or two. Arrr, those were the days. But pretty soon me matey Masood ibn LongJohn be buyin' us lubbers a vessel of our very own."

Since then, Asad claims, there were 'many a booty to be had', but disaster struck soon after. "Shiver me timbers, that Pirates of Carribean 3 movie be comin' out, and it be no longer savvy to be a pirate. We be tryin' to give up but after a while we be sayin' Arrrr, and started up again."

According to the Kenyan foreign minister, Somali pirates have received over US$150 million during the 12 months prior to November 2008, which has led Barack Obama to call for immediate action. When asked how he[Obama] proposes to combat the pirates, President Obama said,"I will be sending an elite task force of Somali Ninjas, because everyone knows pirates worst enemies are ninjas."

Waseem -Allegedly-Dawood

Tuesday, March 24, 2009

Dalai Lama Peaced Off

Tibetan spiritual leader, Dalai Lama has been denied a visa to South Africa as 'A visit now by the Dalai Lama would move the focus from South Africa' according to Kgalema Motlanthe, SA President. "It's my country and I will cry if I want to," said the President."And I will also invite who I want."

Denying any involvement of China, Motlanthe's senior advisor, Wen Wu said, "Plesident no risten to China, he onry risten to me and other tlusted advisor, Hong Li and Hui Chen." Mr. Wu did however concede that China is 'vely important fleind of South Aflica'.

A spokesman for the Dalai Lama said he was "very disappointed" by the decision but surprisingly defiant and has claimed, "I didn't wanna come for your stupid conference anyway."

Despite the multiple outcries of disappointment from political parties and the public at large, several business owners have applauded the President's decision. "Darai Rama come, we no get stock. We no get stock, we no get money. Kgarema make light decision."

Waseem -Allegedly- Dawood

Thursday, March 19, 2009

New President of Madagascar 'likes to move it, move it'

Madagascar's constitutional court has declared His Royal Highness, the illustrious King Julian the XIII, self-proclaimed lord of the lemurs, et cetera, et cetera, the new president of the Indian Ocean island. His appointment has come a day after former president, Marc Ravalomanana, was swept from office by the army.

On his appointment, King Julian thanked the army, "After much deep and profound brain things inside my head, I have decided to thank you for bringing peace to our home." He also sang out his credentials to several thousand fans celebrating in May 13 Square in the capital, Antananarivo. 'I am very clever king... tok tok tok tok... I am super genius... I am robot king of the monkey thing... compute... compute.'

Although UN chief Ban Ki-moon expressed concern, many of King Julian's fellow African leaders have embraced Madagascar's new president, including Robert Mugabe, president of Zimbabwe, who found common ground between Africa's youngest leader and himself. Mugabe said,'He likes to move it, move it. We like to ... move it.'

Waseem -Allegedly- Dawood

Wednesday, March 4, 2009

Schabir Shaik Sick Swears Doctors

Due to the huge public outcry, and immense political condemnation, the medical doctors responsible for advising the parole board to allow Schabir Shaik on medical parole, have today decided to speak out on the terminal illness of Mr. Shaik and quash all misconceptions over their high profile decision.

Dr. Q. Uack, speaking from his newly purchased home in Sandton, informed journalists that Mr. Shaik was suffering from a rare and fatal strain of HSV (Home Sickness Virus)."We attempted curing the virus by feeding him home-cooked meals and various other takeouts he used to enjoy, as well as allowing him time out with his son, but he seemed non-responsive to treatment and we were forced to recommend medical parole."

Dr. Joseph Kenilworth of the Joseph Oxford Kenilworth Edwards University, another of the attending doctors, was shocked to find Mr. Shaik suffering from severe depression. "Never in all my years as a doctor have I ever found a prisoner to be suffering from depression. We had to act quickly before the depression spread and many more prisoners became depressed about prison life." Dr Kenilworth however reassured the public that he believed that they had managed to catch the dreaded disease in time.

Dr. F. Ake, another attending doctor, whose credentials include visited the doctor on many occasions, said,"The man[Shaik] is sick, for godsakes, he could die at any minute." When queried as to how long Mr. Shaik had to live, Dr. Ake said,"I don't know. What do I look like? A doctor? "

Waseem -Allegedly- Dawood

Thursday, February 19, 2009

SAA in Coke Bust

The twelve member crew of a recent SAA flight to Iraq was detained in the capital of Baghdad, this past Monday,  after being found with over R2 million worth of Coke in their possession. 

The highly publicised arrest has brought about mixed feelings amongst the population of Iraq, with many outraged at the confiscation so far as to protests being held outside the airport. While others have written in to government congratulating them on the efforts to eradicating Coke from the country.

"This day is a victory for those opposed to Coke, and will help all those addicts in combatting this dreaded substance" said refreshment business owner, Humza Ku Ee Al Haq.

However many find the arrest as contradicting the very concept of a democratic Iraq and find the confiscation violating the peoples' right to choice.

"We do not care about the damage Coke does to our bodies, we feel they are our bodies to damage. Also, Pepsi is crap" proclaimed Coke addict leader, Ali Uwais Koka Kola.

Waseem -Allegedly- Dawood 

Thursday, January 15, 2009

Hansel wins Male Model of the Year

Audiences were left in awe yesterday, at the Vh1 Male Model Awards yesterday, when male model newcomer, Hansel, pipped the favorite, Derek Zoolander, to the Best Male Model award.

While many were left surprised, Jacque Rabin Mugatu, famed fashion designer, was not one of them. "Hansel, he's so hot right now," he confided to Almost News insiders.

On receipt of his award, Hansel went about thanking his many heroes."Richard Gere's a real hero of mine. Sting. Sting would be another person who's a hero. The music he's created over the years, I don't really listen to it, but the fact that he's making it, I respect that."

Not everyone was as thrilled over Hansel's win, Derek Zoolander, a previous VH1 Best Male Model winner, had this to say. "Hansel? He thinks he is too cool for school, but I have a newsflash for him ... he isn't."

Waseem -Allegedly- Dawood