Thursday, December 18, 2008

Zim Play Blame Game

After recent reports by Zimbabwe's Information Minister, Sikhanyiso Ndlovu, blaming the cholera outbreak on "serious biological chemical war . . . a genocidal onslaught on the people of Zimbabwe by the British." Mr. Ndlovu also divulged many other shocking acts of atrocity committed by the rest of the world to the once strong and vibrant country.

"Our inflation is all due to the UN, when Kofi Annan, then secretary general, borrowed our Woolworths card, and bought many items on credit, which he failed to pay for, causing Woolworths to charge us vast amounts of interest, as well as tragically preventing us from ever shopping in Woolworths again. He has yet to return the card!" claimed Mr. Ndlovu, angrily.

"We have also been victims of various acts of terrorism which the international media fails to highlight. This very week, Al-Qaeda smashed my wife's car into the garage door, causing untold damage to our home and casting fear into the very hearts of the Zimbabwean people. The Al Qaeda also placed me, inebriated, into the drivers seat, casting doubt onto my flawless character."

Zimbabwean opposition leader, and 'Prime Minister', Morgan Tsvangirai, refused to confirm Ndlovu's claims, but did however share his own finding that Robert Mugabe was sent by aliens to destroy the whole of Zimbabwe.

At the time of going to press, aliens have since denied such a heinous act, and have considered filing a case of libel against Mr. Tsvangirai, but have been put off by their inability to spell his name.

Waseem -Allegedly- Dawood

Thursday, November 13, 2008

Barack Obama: Closet Muslim?

Rumors have resurfaced that Barack Obama, now president of the United States, is in fact Muslim, despite the numerous stories to the contrary. Conspiracy theorists and rumor mongers are in the process of building up credible evidence to prove once and for all, Obama is a member of the Islamic faith.

The reason for recent suspicions of President Obama's faith, is his sudden disappearance immediately after sunset. White House officials are also concerned about the President waking well before sunrise, and often appearing later with folded trousers.

A source in the IRS has confirmed the President has recently paid out an amount, which totals just above 2.5% of his entire assets, to an anonymous charity. The source also confirmed that this payment happens annually, usually around the time of the Muslims' holy month of Ramadaan.

President Obama has once again refuted rumors, and refused to comment. "I will neither deny nor confirm such ridiculous rumors." The President did however confirm he is planning a 3-4 week trip to Saudi Arabia, and hopes to ease tensions in the Middle East, as well as get a haircut. He also asked everyone for their forgiveness.

Waseem -Allegedly- Dawood

Friday, October 24, 2008

Fall actually a metaphor

Finance Portfolio Committee chair Nhlanhla Nene, who recently found his chair collapsing under him during a live television interview, has claimed the fall was deliberate and actually a metaphor likening the Rand's sudden drop in value to his drop from the chair.

Speaking at his next, less eventful, interview, Mr. Nene said "Just like the wheel came off my chair, the wheels seem to have come off our economy. I felt someone needed to do something drastic, so I took matters into my own hands and took the fall. I, however refuse to be labelled the 'fall guy' over this incident."

When asked about inspiration behind the move, Mr. Nene replied,"Well, I am a chair person."

Waseem -Allegedly- Dawood

Thursday, October 23, 2008

Going global

The Almost News team is very happy to announce the appointment of their first Foreign Matters correspondent, who will be reporting on issues from the UK and Europe.

"Yes, I have to say that I do believe that foreign affairs are relevant, as the world is becoming a global village, with it's fair share of village idiots. I am very happy to be a part of the team, in fact I have a feeling of pleasure which has a lot in common with being given first go in a bollock-kicking contest", Mr Parasputin said.

This new appointment comes amidst speculation from the Middle East, that there may be a headhunting campaign to take over reporters from established publications. The Almost News team has met these comments with a categorical denial that these rumours have any factual basis. "Our colleagues at Al-Jahiliyya have nothing to fear."

Wednesday, October 15, 2008

Health Department deny virus

A call for calm has come out of the Gauteng Health Department via E-Mail to leading agencies, claiming the deadly virus sweeping the province is total fiction. The email also informed news agencies that the Gauteng Health Department is now relocating to Limpopo for a change of scenery.

Zanele Mngadi, Gauteng Health spokesperson, spotted at an airport getting a ticket to 'the first flight out of Gauteng', echoed these sentiments. Mngadi, dressed smartly in a Hazmat suit, said, "Everything is fine, what sick people? What Morningside Clinic? I'm just going on holiday for an indefinite duration, but I will address this rumor as soon as I get back."

In totally unrelated news, 91 people are being monitored closely as a precautionary measure at a private hospital. Family members have been told not to be concerned, but are being reminded of the importance of updating their wills.

Waseem -Allegedly- Dawood

Friday, September 26, 2008

Fatwa sparks fear in cartoon mice

After a recent Fatwa by Sheik Muhammad Munajid, claiming the mouse is 'Satan's Soldier' and even has gone so far to say killing of Mickey Mouse would be permissible, cartoon mice around the world have been put on high alert.

"I don't know why he don't like me. I'm so leetle. I don't take up much room. And don't eat much." said Speedy Gonzales.

The Brain, a mouse who is well known for his attempts at global conquest feels offended at being branded 'Satan's soldier.' "We work alone and attribute nothing to Satan. This gives me an idea though." The Brain remarked and afterwards asked his companion "Are you pondering what I'm pondering." To which Pinky replied, "I think so, Brain, but how will we get the Spice Girls into the paella? "

The fatwa has led to radicals across the Muslim world to destroy the small, hand-controlled input devices connected to their computers.

"Not that mouse." reassured Sheik Muhammad Munajid.

Waseem -Allegedly- Dawood

Wednesday, August 20, 2008

Rihanna : 'Shut up and Drive'

21 year old Selwyn Thumbasamy was arrested earlier today for obstruction of justice and disobeying a police officer, Chatsworth police confirmed.

Boya Pillay, the arresting officer, reported that Mr. Thumbasamy did not stop when asked to, and in fact sped up. Officer Boya further detailed in his report when Mr. Thumbasamy did finally stop, Officer Boya discovered he was driving with an open umbrella. Officer Boya then requested Mr. Thumbasamy to step out of the vehicle, which he duly did, but afterwards took a bow.

Mr. Thumbasamy is currently under police custody at the Chatsworth police station where he claims 'Rihanna (the R&B star) told me to do it'. A Rihanna CD was later discovered in his CD player. R&B analysts say it is fortunate Rihanna's Unfaithful was not on the CD, citing the lyric 'Might as well take a gun and put it to his head, get it over with' as particularly worrying.

After a recent case where Satan told a teenage boy to attack people with a sword, police are now investigating links between Rihanna and Satan.

Waseem -Allegedly- Dawood

Thursday, August 7, 2008

Innocent if it takes too long to be proven guilty

After a court application was made for 'a permanent stay of execution of charges against Zuma as his case has been delayed for far too long', many defendants have filed a similar plea in order to have charges dropped against them.

Radovan Karadzic, former Bosnian Serb wartime President, facing charges of genocide in the 1992-95 Bosnian war, said 'Oh man, you guys still remember that, can't we all just move on?' His lawyers claim it is not his fault that it took so long to find him. Childhood friend, Miroslav Milosevic said 'He was always good at Hide and Seek, took us hours to find him, eventually we gave up and went to play Stuck in the Mud.'

Robert Mugabe, former, current and future president of Zimbabwe, feels the same mentality to should be applied to the Zimbabwe elections. 'Enough of these power sharing and re-election talks, time has passed for discussions , it is time for me to be president again. Tsvangarai los..., didn't wi..., I'm just president OK!'

Waseem -Allegedly- Dawood

Tuesday, July 8, 2008

Quagga Returns

Reports have recently come to light that the Quagga is not extinct as previously hoped. Khoisan and British have been blamed, not only for an incomplete job, but for letting the world believe that the Quagga were indeed gone.

'It are horrifying!' exclaimed Piet Pieterse, the first person to re-discover the now just endangered species, who is currently undergoing trauma counselling. 'First I am thinking, Sjoe that are a dirty zebra, then I'm realising that are a ghost of a quagga. I ran like the devil!' The incident was thought to have taken the life of Pieterse's daughter, Marietjie, who he claims was stolen by the 'spirit' of the quagga. Further evidence reveals however that his daughter was safe at home with her mother and never even went with her father on his hunting trip.

There is however some good news. The Hunting We Will Go Association of South Africa (HWWGASA) have promised to return the world to normalcy and rid the world of the quagga once and for all. HWWGASA spokesperson, Jenkins Padapop-pop, has said that the re-extinction might result in sizeable loss in the Sand Zebra population, which he assures us is a small price to pay. A small price indeed.

Waseem -Allegedly- Dawood

Wednesday, June 25, 2008

Chinese the new black

Stereotyping High Court granted a landmark ruling, this week, that Chinese South Africans are to be included in the definition of black people. During the apartheid era South African Chinese were labelled coloured because of the shape of their eyes. Post-apartheid South Africa left the S.A.C uncertain of the colour of their skin, creating confusion and mass hysteria. The rioting of all 40 S.A.C prompted human rights lawyers to step in. The 2 minute long struggle ended when Court Judge Hendrik O'Reilly exclaimed "Fuck it! we'll do it black.". The ruling states employment will no longer be tied to just pirating DVD's, sweatshops and counterfeit Armani's but taxi driver, roadworks and status of bees. "With the colour black comes great responsibility" said Lee Who " And we will not let our fellow brothers down"

"How Ehh m vely grad my penis size just shot up by 5 inches" said stereotypical black S.A.C Lee Mtshalelwa on the ruling of the court. One particular black S.A.C fondly recalls how his grandfather, a fake Armani bag salesman, used to shout proudly "Hey! Be a black man", adding that "this ruling would have meant a lot to him".

Not everyone is happy with the ruling though, resident racist Karl Konstantine Ketchup complains that it is going to make racism complicated." What am I going to call a Chinese guy now, ***** or ****** how will I know the difference... they all look the same" said Karl who was immediately arrested for his backward thinking.

Lucky Tv Gam

Friday, May 30, 2008

Almost News set to Publish a Magazine

This is MJ Khan reporting on behalf of Almost News. Almost News is pleased to announce that we are now diversifying and will be publishing a monthly magazine to complement the popular news site. According to my mum, Almost News is the best Online news resource in Africa, and perhaps the entire world.
For the magazine, you can expect in depth and articulate articles concerning every day life in South Africa. Topics such as

Celebrity Drug Habits
Well, you never did have Brad Pitt’s looks, so you might as well have his heroin addiction. Find out which stars get paid high and which stars just get high! Then take Bored’s celebrity dope test and see whether you also down your ecstasy with Evian!

Bonsai Kitten
The Japanese have always been known for their sinister hobbies. Who can forget those blasted Tamagotchi’s and their retarding effect on techno geeks everywhere? The latest craze from the land of the rising pollution is collecting helpless little rat-eaters in jars. Get your fill of bottle stuffed felines. Who knows, next they might blenderize the little bastards. Anyone for liquid pussy?

Ange- who?
Those of you who were too busy scraping smegma from your shlong probably missed the latest season of Singstar superstars. Unfortunately the rest of us weren’t so lucky. This issue we interview Angelina, the sexy blonde winner and ask the question that’s eating everyone’s heads- “Since we can see that she has no recognizable talent whatsoever, whose monkey did she spank to win?

Dead Man Wisdom
Ever wondered if famous people were still alive, what would they make of this hellhole we’re infesting? This month, we exhume Gandhi and Elvis, who take the floor and discuss ‘Xenophobia, the morality of cloning Celine Dion and the exponential increase of popcorn prices at the cinemas.

Wholesome fatherly Advice
Resident playboy supreme Waseem Dawood teaches you how to seduce your best friends little sister, while still being able to go to his house and kick his ass at tekken. This’ll be a good time to start brushing up on those golden lines “I swear officer, she told me that she was seventeen!”

Bargain Bin Game reviews- Enter the Matrix for the PS2
Red Pill? Blue Pill? Aah, to hell with it- take them both. Our exclusive review of every brainwashed lunatic’s wet dream explains why 2003's biggest game became the world’s biggest bomb. Being huge Shiny Inc fans, we expected something along the lines of Morpheus’s catchphrase “Open Your Eyes”, instead we get Neo’s “relax your sphincter and flush” routine. More flaccid than your granddad on a cold day.

Death by Health-food
Here’s a great excuse not to exercise: ab crunch ruptureriosus. A 21-year-old soldier in the SADF went to hospital with sever aching in his upper abdomen. In his quest for a washboard stomach, he had overworked his abs causing his muscles to burst. Virgin Active are now going to have to work extra hard to get me off my lazy ass.

Salma Hayek
The hottest star on Plant earth has turned down every magazine in the world – Including Almost News. So we decided to show some pictures of her without her consent! Many tireless nights were spent crawling the net for these photos. The dedication we bring to our readers is so strong that we refused to choose our final spread until we examined every picture of her in absolute detail.

Plagiarism for Dummies
Boasting a foreword by the world’s most recognizable cheater, Bill Clinton, Plagiarism for Dummies or for our more simple readers, ‘ Cheating for Dumb Shits’. This informative guide covers everything from copying in your grade twelve finals; to the art of plagiarizing other people’s entire dissertations of the Internet and claiming they’re yours. Chapters on ‘How to write answers on your fore-arm without contracting ink poisoning’ mix well with subsequent chapters like the inevitable ‘Yes, that is my work’ and ‘how to lie well’. An informative read which deserves its place next to the toilet of all Almost News readers.

If that was true, I’d be blind by now’
I don’t wax my palms every second week, and I can read perfectly fine. We at AN sincerely believe that masturbation is the answer to the AIDS pandemic that is seizing our nation. This months feature article discusses the pros and cons (hardly any) of ‘wanking’. However, as our cover suggests, everything should be done in moderation i.e. get a girlfriend loser!

Lord of the Rings DVD preview
The summer’s biggest hit is about a group of midgets taking a stroll through a forest with their jewelry. Tolkien, the creator of middle-earth who had way too much time on his hands, is worshipped as a God in the more literate countries, which makes him, according to our education levels, on a slightly higher level than a slave. For all you wannabe conspiracy theorists out there, the second movie was based on a book that was written ages before the twin towers collapsed. It wasn’t made to cash in on it butt-monkeys. The last part of the trilogy, Return of The King, has nothing to do with any dead, overgrown, burger munching, side-burn wearing rock stars. Puff Daddy is rumoured to play the role of The Dark Lord Sauron, can any one say “Lord of The Bling Bling?”

Wanksta’s guide to being hip, dog!
“White boy be preaching up in here,” holla’s resident eminem wannabe- ‘wanksta’. This issue sees the inception of Wanksta’s ‘dress like a pimp and pick up ho’s fashion tips, as well as a run-down of the phattest ice you can wrap around your neck. He also gives ‘ word to your momma.

MJ 'claims' Khan

Saturday, May 17, 2008

'Zimbabwe has erection plobrem' Hu Jintao

China and Zimbabwe find themselves on the brink of war after Chinese President Hu Jintao has decided to speak out on Zimbabwe's 'erection plobrem' and declared Robert Mugabe 'an inadequate reader'.

Sources close to Mugabe say 'Hu used to be close to Mugabe but who knew Hu could do something like this.'

Efforts to mediate a truce between the two normally peaceable countries has reached an impasse after a heated exchange between their respective leaders.

Hu Jintao demanded to know 'Why is Zimbabwe infration so high?' To which Mr. Mugabe heatedly replied 'Fluctuations!' Hu Jintao then stormed out of the mediation, and just before slamming the door, turned back to Mugabe and said: 'Fluck you Zimbabweans!'

Waseem -Allegedly- Dawood

Monday, May 5, 2008

Boy contemplates meaning of lunch

'Oh boy, mum remembered polony' Hamza replied sarcastically when asked what he had brought for lunch.

Hamza said today '90% of my lunch is some kind of polony derivative.'

'It sucks' added Hamza.

Meanwhile Waseem has brought burgers for lunch claiming his mother loves him. 'She even put the burgers in buns,' he said.

Waseem -Allegedly- Dawood

Tuesday, April 8, 2008

DIE's Al Reddy supports Load Shedding

It's not often that we hear the good side of load shedding, but Dr. Al Reddy from the organisation Doctors for Implementing Euthanasia (DIE) has called Eskom's 'power sharing' a step in right direction for their cause.

'Load shedding has removed the need for us to mercy kill all of our long time life support patients by cutting the power to their machines,' said Dr. Reddy. 'When I first heard of load shedding, I was hopeful that we would be included among those lucky few, as I saw the opportunities it presented.'

The problem has surfaced however that many of the wannabe euthanised are not on life support and are unable to reap the benefits of load shedding. Dr Reddy has called for these patients to have patience as DIE is currently looking into other government projects that may aid their cause.

Waseem -Allegedly- Dawood

Thursday, March 20, 2008

Canadian Comedian retires at the Peak of his Career

Accomplished Canadian comedian, Russel Peters retired from show business last night. Many fans were shocked by his announcement, as he had never shown any previous intent on quitting comedy.
Peters 19 year career has led to many achievements, with the biggest being his performance at the Curry Muncher comedy festival where he opened the show for Mithin Chukraborti.
In an exclusive interview with Almost News, Peters discussed why he retired. "I was just sick of getting the same response every where I go, you know. Its like, I'll come up with great new material, and all the audience wants to hear is 'Be a Man! Do the right thing!' I'm more than that you know, Peters said as he broke down into tears. 'I hate that fucking Chinese accent, I hate it, but that's all they want from me. I feel like one of those hobbits from the Lord of the Rings movies who have been typecast.
MJ 'claims' Khan

Tuesday, March 18, 2008

Load Shedding strains Diplomatic Relations

Tensions were high this week as South Africas botched electricity crisis led to diplomatic intervention from one of the countries strongest allies, Pakistan.

The Pakistani ambassador, Muhammed Ali Muhammed abdullah Khan put forth the grievances of Pakistans largest lobby group, 'Distributors of Intellectual Properties, Software and Highly Important Technologies' (DIPSHIT) whose main concern was that load shedding meant that people cut down on their television viewing time, and instead, found alternate ways of being entertained. Reduced TV time meant reduced sales of the various DVD's.
Chairman of the lobby group Anwar Alli Alli Khan stated that Load shedding is devastating for the Pakistani economy, whose two sole streams of revenue come from Goat Cheese and Pirated Hollywood movies. 'Spiderman 3 paid for two water refinery plants last year', Khan has stated.
Almost News has tried to contact the Southern African Federation Against Copyright Theft (SAFACT) but they were too busy making crappy commercials and could not give a statement.
MJ 'Claims' Khan

Tuesday, February 12, 2008

Breakup by Facebook relationship status

Facebook, the popular social network, reached another milestone this week as it saw the first breakup by changing relationship status. Riaz Ali* logged in to his Facebook to find his MiniFeed reading 'Riaz is no longer listed as in a relationship'. On further investigation he discovered his (ex)girlfriend, Rehana Sheik*, had removed him as a friend.

Close friends to the (former) couple say the signs were there for all to see. "She[Rehana] stopped writing on his[Riaz's] wall and removed him from her Top Friends. The breakup was inevitable, he was just in denial."

The couple, who met on Facebook after Riaz clicked on 'Yes' on Rehana's 'Are You Interested?' application, were seemingly in love until Riaz, using the Compare People application, voted Rehana's sister as hotter. "It was really stupid of him not to turn off 'Ok to notify winner'," said Riaz's good friend Bash Mohammed*.

Rehana has since created a group called 'Riaz Ali is a wanker'.

* - This is an asterisk.

Waseem -Allegedly- Dawood

Tuesday, February 5, 2008

Zuma dumps Tyson

The brief tumultuous relationship between ANC President, Jacob Zuma, and heavyweight boxer, Mike Tyson, came to an end, last week Wednesday, when the former deputy president, Zuma, left Tyson stranded at a fund-raiser.

Almost-News sources have claimed Tyson flew into S.A., under the pretense of a charity event, to mend his on-off relationship with Zuma. 'He[Tyson] really tried his best to make it work, but Zuma is too interested in furthering his political career,' claimed a close friend.

A teary-eyed Tyson confirmed the breakup on Monday, but claimed the split was mutual.'We decided he[Zuma] needs to focus on his political career and the betterment of the ANC. Things are just not easy for Jacob and I right now.'

Waseem -Allegedly- Dawood

Friday, January 25, 2008

Traces of Human Sweat found in KFC breading

The small rural town of Verulam witnessed a media frenzy unlike anything it has experienced before as hundreds of journalists clamored to the local KFC where traces of human sweat have been found. A sample of the pieces has been sent to the CSI team, and KFC management are scrambling to deny any link between its product and slavery.

KFC has an illustrious history, being the first fried food franchise in the world. The first branch was established in 1921 when founder and White Supremist Colonel Sanders chemically engineered a new type of meat seasoned with the sweat of his slaves. Mississippi laws at the time meant that he couldn’t sell Genetically Modified consumables (this law was relaxed in 1990) After consulting with his friend Mr Pemberton, who for years sold cocaine under the name of coca cola, Sanders decided to call his meat chicken to bypass the GM law. He called his takeaway Klan Fried Chicken

Due to the civil rights movement in the sixties, Sanders had to rebrand his franchise. This followed a speech given by Martin Luther King, who said, “I have a dream, that one day I can also enjoy a barrel of chicken without the racist reminder. Sanders still used the sweat of Black people as part of his eleven herbs and spices (the phrase was a homage to Herb Leroy Jonson (Sanders slave who was cleaning the Genetic Meat maker when his sweat mixed with the meat) but changed the name from Klan Fried chicken to KFC.

Manager of the Verulam branch, Mr Shubendren Moodley stated that “While our workers receive below minimum wage and no health insurance or leave whatsoever, I think its rather drastic to call that slavery”. When it was pointed out to him that the slave sweat was part of the breading Mr Moodley regained his composure and calmly said, “well, whats the big deal then?”

In America a congressional hearing has been set up to discuss the matter, but most Senators believe that it’s no big deal, and that their time should be spent discussing more pressing matters like whether the soap in the washrooms be scented or not.
MJ 'Claims' Khan