Monday, December 20, 2010

SA Launch eWikileaks

Based on the popularity of the international version of Wikileaks, a South African version has also sprung up, calling itself 'eWikileaks'. Founder, Julius Assangeni, said, "This is not to be associated in any way with that crap TV channel. Our aim, similarly to our international counterpart, is to expose the deep dark secrets of our country like the controversial Arms deal and where Patricia De Lille gets her ridiculous outfits from."

The first set of leaks from eWikileaks, coinciding with the 150th anniversary of Indians arriving in South Africa, pertained to South Africa's Indian community. The first leak confirmed the long held belief that the indentured laborers were in fact fooled into believing that they were leaving their beloved India for greener pastures. The leak reads "The 1860 settlers actually believed they were moving up to Joburg to make more money and get to away from their nosy and overbearing families."

Some of the leaks threaten to cause an uproar amongst the Indian community. One of these leaks details that Mahatma Gandhi, the renowned activist, didn't in fact live in Phoenix as previously believed but in fact lived in the luxurious suburb of Umhlanga. This has prompted some of the betrayed Phoenix community members to call for the name of the Mahatma Gandhi Memorial Hospital to be changed to Naidoo's Tuckshop Memorial Hospital.

The most damning and shocking leak however, was of a more recent Indian South African celebrity. The leak read, "Minority Front leader, Amichand Rajbansi's hair is real!"

Waseem -Allegedly- Dawood

Wednesday, October 20, 2010

Woolworths SA To Become Christian Book Store

Due to the immense popularity of Christian magazines, Woolworths SA have decided to become a Christian book store. Initially, Woolworths SA had removed Christian magazines of their shelves because of the lack of popularity, but due to the public outcry, Woolworths decided to put the magazines back on their shelves. Afterwards, gaging from the response to the magazines' removal, Woolworths realised there was much more money in Christian literature than previously thought, and promptly decided to become a Christian bookstore in preparation for the masses of Christians looking for Christian literature, who will surely descend upon their store.

"So as not to offend anyone, we also plan on opening Islamic, Buddhist, Hindu, Satanist and Scientologist book stores," announced Woolworth's PRO, Kev In."We might look into getting into the food and clothing game at a later date, but at the moment Christian magazines is just too much of a lucrative industry for us to ignore."

Many Christians have rejoiced at the announcement but have confirmed they still don't plan to buy any Christian magazines from Woolworths or anywhere else for that matter. "The announcement by Woolworths is another victory for us Christians, of course this doesn't mean we want to buy magazines or any Christian literature, but just having the option makes us happy." said Maggie Buyer, spokesperson for the People for Christian Magazines in Stores Even Though We Don't Wanna Buy Them (PCMSETWDWBT). When asked why she would not buy any Christian magazines, Maggie replied, "Are you insane? Those magazines are like R69, Huis Genoot is only R12. "

However, athiests and some other religious organisations are quite outraged by Woolworths decision. "How dare they remove and put back Christian magazines in Woolworths?" said NoGod McGinty. "I previously had no interest in Christian magazines and didn't even know Woolworths sold them but now I am outraged they do and even had the audacity to put them back! Saying that, I really hope an event like this happens again so I can make fun of Christians' belief on Facebook pages once more. It is so much fun!"

Waseem -Allegedly- Dawood

Thursday, September 16, 2010

"Stephen Hawking doesn't exist"- God

The world was rocked the revelation by the All Powerful God, that world famous British physicist and cosmologist, Stephen Hawking does not actually exist. This revelation comes after a book allegedly written by the alleged Mr. Hawking claiming that God was not necessary to explain the creation of the universe.

The entire science world is left reeling with revelation that one of their preeminent scholars may not actually exist. Although not actually having seen him, many scientists held the strong belief he existed and held his theories and proofs in the highest regard. One scientist commented,"My brain feels like a black hole. I can't believe that we took his existence as gospel for all these years, this feels like a M. Night Shyamalan movie. What a twist!"

A nurse, Elaine Mason, who thought she worked for the non-existent Mr. Hawking has been left bewildered and confused. Ms. Mason said, "I remember there was such a person as Stephen Hawking and then I stepped out and all of a sudden there was a Big Bang and it was like he never existed. Did he ever exist?"

The Almighty God, who himself is planning another tell all book, hot on the heels of his previous bestsellers, the Bible and the Quran, proclaimed,"A disabled man, who rolls around in a chair, talks through a computer, writes books and does science seems quite far-fetched to Me. Can't imagine who came up with that one."

Waseem -Allegedly- Dawood

Thursday, September 2, 2010

Strikers Striking Against The Strike

Public servants in South Africa astonished the country today when they 'picked up tools' and announced that they would be striking against strike action. In a move analysts are calling 'getting back to work', public servants claim they had grown frustrated with all the striking and decided to strike against the strike.

One of those involved in the new strike against the strike, Lucky Strikes, said "It's just not as fun as it used to be. We have been striking for so long we don't even know what we are striking for, I mean except the money. When it all started we used to be in it for the love of toy-toying, I remember even once one of the unions misread the memo and thought we were streaking. That was so embarrassing!"

Petrol attendants have also been left somewhat bemused over strike action. Petrol Mafela said "They are getting people to do our jobs while we aren't there so I don't see the point of us striking as our absence is not felt. I mean we aren't even paid by the government."

Government officials are left confused on how to deal with this new reverse psychology type of striking and readily acceded to the strikers demands of 7.500001%, rather than the 7.5% that government were offering. The 20c extra will come as great news to manufacturers of 20c coins all over the country.

The possible end to strike action has left some of the strikers hesitant towards any future strike action. Veteran striker, Strikes Mashaba contemplated,"Perhaps instead of striking, we should work harder and earn our increases by merit like the rest of the private sector workers. Haha, just kidding, we will see you next year, same strike time, same striking place."

Waseem -Allegedly- Dawood

Wednesday, August 4, 2010

Charoubook helps you connect with your bras

Hot on the heels of Muslimbook, 'the first full-featured Muslim social networking site', Preggy from the sevens in Phoenix and his bra Logie from the elevens in Chassies, announced yesterday, that they have decided to launch their own Durban Indian social networking site, Charoubook. Preggy exclusively informed Almost News the reason behind the site. "See yer, charous like to chune, right? So why don't we have a site and all? I chuned my bra Logie, and he reckoned 'Ya cameway, let's dalla one.'"

When asked how Charoubook will differ from the hugely popular Facebook, Preggy said,"Cos check yer it will be for charous isn't? Facebook is lucker and all but we'll have one two top features like what's happening at the Lugs page and Muthu Murugan page. Yoh, that ou is such a ripper." Other features include charou terminology replacing all the regular wording on the site. For eg. Home will be changed to posse, like will be changed to smaak, and what's on your mind will be changed to whatkine for you bra? The traditional Facebook poke will be replaced by a dalla. Preggy's bra Logie also said, "We working on one two other things but we can't chune you'll now."

Charous have been in South Africa for 150 years now and have been meeting their connections ever since. Preggy and Logie feel Charoubook is the ideal medium for charous to meet all their connections and 'chune them whatkind'.

The inception of a Charoubook has given some people cause to question their identity however. Mo Khan from Silverglen said,"I'm a slamou and a charou so whatkind? Must I join Charoubook or Muslimbook? Or maybe Facebook? I have a face also."

Waseem -Allegedly- Dawood

Tuesday, June 8, 2010

"I'm Too Sexy For The Bank"

Scandal has rocked the American financial sector last week, when it was discovered a good looking woman was fired for being too good looking. Debrahlee Lorenzana, the apparently jaw-droppingly beautiful woman who distracts all the male employees with her hotness, claims she has always been harassed for her good looks and was subsequently fired through no other fault than her (insert-deity-name-here)-given beauty.

Lorenzana, who spends her money on designer clothes, found herself unable to afford clothing which complied to the company's dress code and was subsequently fired for being too attractive for the workplace. She was then led to file for unemployment which made her depressed but still really too hot to work. The tragedy really hit home when she and her son skipped gift-giving on Christmas, which made her decide to sue Citibank for discriminating her hotness.

Her attorney seeing the validity in this gorgeous woman's case promptly took her for a photo-shoot to highlight her plight. "Hot people shouldn't have to suffer this kind of discrimination, that should be reserved for ugly people" said her attorney. Lorenzana does not know how many more jobs her hotness will continue to cost her to lose,but she plans on continuing to be hot.

In other news, an average looking woman was fired for being too average looking. Male employees of Pseudo Company complained their work experiences were too forgettable and demanded a hot woman to make their trips to work more worthwhile. "Maybe we will get Debrahlee Lorenzana," said one hopeful male employee.

Waseem -Allegedly- Dawood

Wednesday, June 2, 2010

Facebook Not Quit

This past Monday was QuitFacebookDay and for the 2 people who actually participated, the event was an absolute success. As many as 5 people registered for the much-hyped and sparsely participated event to quit Facebook over privacy concerns, but the other 3 people registered again soon after quitting, unable to cope with the ignominy of not having a Facebook account.

Zark Muckerberg, one of the two people who actually quit, didn't feel 'Facebook had much respect for him or his data'. Muckerberg said 'I put up private stuff on Facebook on my own volition, and I expect a free site, which I do not contribute to monetarily, to respect my privacy because I don't feel I have to respect my own. Facebook should do this for me.'

One of the Facebook reverts, who quit initially, and soon afterward signed up again, said, "I could not handle not knowing what my friends, neighbours, colleagues and that guy I met yesterday were doing. I signed up again but now I face the real uphill battle, adding all my friends again."

Facebook were quite upset to discover of the quitting of the two users.A Facebook spokesperson said,"Here at Facebook we treasure each and every one of our users from John Smith, with that weird goat fetish to Peter Williams, whose password is marmalade. Every user is like a people we may know."

Peter Williams, whose password is marmalade and a regular Facebook user, was asked if he would quit Facebook. Williams, whose password is marmalade, replied,"Quit Facebook? Are you mad? Who would water my Farmville crop?"

Waseem -Allegedly- Dawood

Monday, May 17, 2010

Beauty helps end terrorism

Rima Fakih stumbled into the world Muslim population's hearts last night when she won the Miss USA pageant at Planet Hollywood Resort & Casino on the Las Vegas Strip. The significant achievement of a Muslim woman overcoming all odds to win the pageant brought a tear to many a heavily kohled eye.

This morning, Al Qaeda released a video calling off all terrorist activity against the United States. The masked spokesperson was translated as saying, "We shall no longer perpetrate any terrorist activity against the United States and all of its organisations, due to the fact that the country is now represented by one of us. We have also forgiven her transgression of being in the City of Sins and not wearing a headscarf because she looked so beautiful. Truly she is the most beautiful Miss USA since Ali Landry."

The Miss USA organisers however were quite taken aback by the discovery that a Muslim woman had won the pageant. When asked about how the organisation felt about being represented by a Muslim, organisers seemed unconvinced. "Are you sure she is Muslim? She doesn't dress like them with all those burka things. Have you seen how much of skin she shows?"

Although scantily clad, Fakih seems to have been well received by even the strictest practitioners of the faith. Sheikh, who wished to remain anonymous, when asked on what he thought of Rima Fakih, replied smiling,"Shi'ite."

Waseem -Allegedly- Dawood

Tuesday, March 30, 2010

Ricky Martin Comes Out of Closet. Surprises Noone

In an announcement that surprised precisely nobody, Ricky Martin, the one time singer, revealed that he is indeed gay. While no-one was surprised that he was gay, when the singer came out of the closet on his website, many were surprised to discover that Ricky Martin had a website. "Ricky Martin has a website! Wtf for?" seemed to be the general response to his announcement.

Ricky Martin's agent, hoping to cash in on the buzz of publicity the announcement has created, also revealed that Ricky will now re-release all his previous love songs and change the wording to reflect his current sexual status. Songs to be changed include She's all I ever had, which will now be called He's All I Ever Had and Living La Vida Loca, which will now be called Living La Vida Homo.

Ricky Martin also plans to release his memoirs detailing his life and career. The 3 page book will discuss his life in Puerto Rico, the 3 songs he once sang and how he became a Twitter Trending Topic. When asked if he was not concerned that his lack of fame would doom the 3 page book before it was even published, Ricky replied,"I could always just claim I had an affair, the media tends to love that stuff."

Waseem - Allegedly- Dawood

Wednesday, March 10, 2010

World Rejoices As Avatar Does Not Win Best Film Oscar

Most of the world collectively breathed a sigh of relief when Avatar deservedly did not win the Best Film Oscar at the recent Academy Awards function. After Avatar's recent Golden Globe win for Best Film, many feared that the Oscars would follow suit and award the vastly over-rated and entirely rubbish Avatar, Best Film for 2009. Not since the gay cowboy drama, Brokeback Mountain, which was basically about cowboys being gay, has the world been so fearful of a Best Film nominee.

George Clooney, whose movie Up In The Air was also nominated for Best Film, said "Man, we really dodged a bullet there. Imagine if Avatar actually won the Oscar, that would just open the door for other crap movies like Twilight to win." When asked if he was disappointed that his own movie didn't win, he replied, "Nah, as long Avatar didn't win, the world is safe for another year."

Among the few people who were upset that Avatar did not win was Tayrou Hanou, who (stupidly) has named himself as a Na'vi and only speaks and acknowledges Na'vi as a language. Hanou said "Kaltxì. Ngaru lu fpom srak?" Almost News refuses to translate this, because we cannot be bothered with this crap.

James Cameron was also unsurprisingly upset about the Oscar snub. "I spend 10 years making this movie and I don't even freaking win the Best Movie award. This is blatant Na'vi-ism." When asked if he wanted to win why he did not have at least an original/interesting story, Cameron replied, "Who cares about story, I had flying dinosaur bird things! Flying dinosaur bird things!"

Waseem -Allegedly- Dawood

Wednesday, February 24, 2010

Infidelity Is A Fashion Statement

Due to sudden spate of infidelity by high profile celebrities around the world, such as Tiger Woods, John Terry and Jacob Zuma, infidelity is being seen as the new in thing amongst the fashion conscious across the world. From catwalks of Milan to the dusty streets of Stanger, men all over the world are indulging in extra-marital affairs in order to stay with the in crowd.

Jean-Paul Cardin of Milan has revealed although he loved his wife and didn't feel the need to cheat on his wife, he was forced to do so due to peer pressure. Being in the highly fashionable career as a fashion designer, he felt for his family's sake he had to be at the pinnacle of fashion, including sneaking around his wife's back and sleeping with a secretary/model and/or a friend's wife/daughter/partner. Mr Cardin said, "It is like how the American Ice-T said 'Don't hate the playa, hate the game'. "

Wives have also begun to accept infidelity as a fashion trend. Savatri Pillay of Stanger recently discovered her 52 year old husband Balan's infidelity and was surprised to learn the reason was due to him trying to follow the latest fashion trend. She has however accepted that one cannot fight fashion.Mrs. Pillay said "Oyo what must do if it's the fashions? I didn't know he was so fashionable and all." When asked if her husband's infidelity could lead to divorce she replied," Oyo I can't divorce and all, you know how people will talk."

To complement the recent trend, Calvin Klein have decided to come out with a new fragrance called Infidelity to suit the trendy men who are out and about committing infidelity. The new fragrance is said to smell of lies, excuses and cheap lipstick.

Waseem -Allegedly- Dawood

Friday, January 22, 2010

"Not R3,50, a 350Z!"

A Cape Town businessman, who callously gave two car guards his Audi R8 for watching his car, has set a horrible precedent for other motorists, as all over the country, car guards have only been accepting sports cars for their services. Motorists are being forced to choose between acceding to the car guard's demands of a sports car or leave their cars unattended.

Helen Thomas, a Sandton resident, has already been forced to give car guards 2 Aston Martins and a Audi TT this week. Thomas, a regular visitor to Sandton City, has only 2 sports cars left, a Lamborghini and a Mazda RX8, is concerned that if the trend does not die down soon she will have to part with both her sports cars and be left with just her Mercedes S Class. When asked why she doesn't rather use the pay parkade, she replied, "Are you crazy? Those things are like R10 an hour!"

The trend has definitely benefited the car guards however, and they are now able to pretend to guard cars within the luxury of their very own sports cars. Dennis Nkosi, a car guard from the Kingsmead Stadium in Durban, who now sits watching cars from the comfort of his newly acquired Lamborghini Gallardo, said,"We [the car guards] are now getting the payment we deserve for pretending to watch over cars." There are some problems with sudden influx of sports cars though, as Nkosi explained. "We do have a problem with too many car guards parking in the places our customers are supposed to park in but we hope to resolve that by building our own car guard parking complex next to the stadium itself. "

There are a few motorists however, who do not have sports cars to tip car guards with and are being forced to either pay the truly exorbitant pay parkade fees or park at home and walk to their chosen destination. One such pedestrian, an 18 year old Preggie Naidoo, who owns just a 1992 Toyota Corolla, refuses to begrudge the car guards for their sensational tips. "One day I hope to be able to afford a sports car to tip the car guard with, or maybe even become a car guard myself ", said Naidoo optimistically.

Waseem -Allegedly- Dawood