Quagga Returns

Reports have recently come to light that the Quagga is not extinct as previously hoped. Khoisan and British have been blamed, not only for an incomplete job, but for letting the world believe that the Quagga were indeed gone.

'It are horrifying!' exclaimed Piet Pieterse, the first person to re-discover the now just endangered species, who is currently undergoing trauma counselling. 'First I am thinking, Sjoe that are a dirty zebra, then I'm realising that are a ghost of a quagga. I ran like the devil!' The incident was thought to have taken the life of Pieterse's daughter, Marietjie, who he claims was stolen by the 'spirit' of the quagga. Further evidence reveals however that his daughter was safe at home with her mother and never even went with her father on his hunting trip.

There is however some good news. The Hunting We Will Go Association of South Africa (HWWGASA) have promised to return the world to normalcy and rid the world of the quagga once and for all. HWWGASA spokesperson, Jenkins Padapop-pop, has said that the re-extinction might result in sizeable loss in the Sand Zebra population, which he assures us is a small price to pay. A small price indeed.

Waseem -Allegedly- Dawood

Chinese the new black

Stereotyping High Court granted a landmark ruling, this week, that Chinese South Africans are to be included in the definition of black people. During the apartheid era South African Chinese were labelled coloured because of the shape of their eyes. Post-apartheid South Africa left the S.A.C uncertain of the colour of their skin, creating confusion and mass hysteria. The rioting of all 40 S.A.C prompted human rights lawyers to step in. The 2 minute long struggle ended when Court Judge Hendrik O'Reilly exclaimed "Fuck it! we'll do it black.". The ruling states employment will no longer be tied to just pirating DVD's, sweatshops and counterfeit Armani's but taxi driver, roadworks and status of bees. "With the colour black comes great responsibility" said Lee Who " And we will not let our fellow brothers down"


"How Ehh m vely grad my penis size just shot up by 5 inches" said stereotypical black S.A.C Lee Mtshalelwa on the ruling of the court. One particular black S.A.C fondly recalls how his grandfather, a fake Armani bag salesman, used to shout proudly "Hey! Be a black man", adding that "this ruling would have meant a lot to him".

Not everyone is happy with the ruling though, resident racist Karl Konstantine Ketchup complains that it is going to make racism complicated." What am I going to call a Chinese guy now, ***** or ****** how will I know the difference... they all look the same" said Karl who was immediately arrested for his backward thinking.

Lucky Tv Gam

Almost News set to Publish a Magazine

This is MJ Khan reporting on behalf of Almost News. Almost News is pleased to announce that we are now diversifying and will be publishing a monthly magazine to complement the popular news site. According to my mum, Almost News is the best Online news resource in Africa, and perhaps the entire world.

For the magazine, you can expect in depth and articulate articles concerning every day life in South Africa. Topics such as

Celebrity Drug Habits
Well, you never did have Brad Pitt’s looks, so you might as well have his heroin addiction. Find out which stars get paid high and which stars just get high! Then take Bored’s celebrity dope test and see whether you also down your ecstasy with Evian!

Bonsai Kitten
The Japanese have always been known for their sinister hobbies. Who can forget those blasted Tamagotchi’s and their retarding effect on techno geeks everywhere? The latest craze from the land of the rising pollution is collecting helpless little rat-eaters in jars. Get your fill of bottle stuffed felines. Who knows, next they might blenderize the little bastards. Anyone for liquid pussy?

Ange- who?
Those of you who were too busy scraping smegma from your shlong probably missed the latest season of Singstar superstars. Unfortunately the rest of us weren’t so lucky. This issue we interview Angelina, the sexy blonde winner and ask the question that’s eating everyone’s heads- “Since we can see that she has no recognizable talent whatsoever, whose monkey did she spank to win?

Dead Man Wisdom
Ever wondered if famous people were still alive, what would they make of this hellhole we’re infesting? This month, we exhume Gandhi and Elvis, who take the floor and discuss ‘Xenophobia, the morality of cloning Celine Dion and the exponential increase of popcorn prices at the cinemas.

Wholesome fatherly Advice
Resident playboy supreme Waseem Dawood teaches you how to seduce your best friends little sister, while still being able to go to his house and kick his ass at tekken. This’ll be a good time to start brushing up on those golden lines “I swear officer, she told me that she was seventeen!”

Bargain Bin Game reviews- Enter the Matrix for the PS2
Red Pill? Blue Pill? Aah, to hell with it- take them both. Our exclusive review of every brainwashed lunatic’s wet dream explains why 2003's biggest game became the world’s biggest bomb. Being huge Shiny Inc fans, we expected something along the lines of Morpheus’s catchphrase “Open Your Eyes”, instead we get Neo’s “relax your sphincter and flush” routine. More flaccid than your granddad on a cold day.

Death by Health-food
Here’s a great excuse not to exercise: ab crunch ruptureriosus. A 21-year-old soldier in the SADF went to hospital with sever aching in his upper abdomen. In his quest for a washboard stomach, he had overworked his abs causing his muscles to burst. Virgin Active are now going to have to work extra hard to get me off my lazy ass.

Salma Hayek
The hottest star on Plant earth has turned down every magazine in the world – Including Almost News. So we decided to show some pictures of her without her consent! Many tireless nights were spent crawling the net for these photos. The dedication we bring to our readers is so strong that we refused to choose our final spread until we examined every picture of her in absolute detail.

Plagiarism for Dummies
Boasting a foreword by the world’s most recognizable cheater, Bill Clinton, Plagiarism for Dummies or for our more simple readers, ‘ Cheating for Dumb Shits’. This informative guide covers everything from copying in your grade twelve finals; to the art of plagiarizing other people’s entire dissertations of the Internet and claiming they’re yours. Chapters on ‘How to write answers on your fore-arm without contracting ink poisoning’ mix well with subsequent chapters like the inevitable ‘Yes, that is my work’ and ‘how to lie well’. An informative read which deserves its place next to the toilet of all Almost News readers.


‘If that was true, I’d be blind by now’
I don’t wax my palms every second week, and I can read perfectly fine. We at AN sincerely believe that masturbation is the answer to the AIDS pandemic that is seizing our nation. This months feature article discusses the pros and cons (hardly any) of ‘wanking’. However, as our cover suggests, everything should be done in moderation i.e. get a girlfriend loser!


Lord of the Rings DVD preview
The summer’s biggest hit is about a group of midgets taking a stroll through a forest with their jewelry. Tolkien, the creator of middle-earth who had way too much time on his hands, is worshipped as a God in the more literate countries, which makes him, according to our education levels, on a slightly higher level than a slave. For all you wannabe conspiracy theorists out there, the second movie was based on a book that was written ages before the twin towers collapsed. It wasn’t made to cash in on it butt-monkeys. The last part of the trilogy, Return of The King, has nothing to do with any dead, overgrown, burger munching, side-burn wearing rock stars. Puff Daddy is rumoured to play the role of The Dark Lord Sauron, can any one say “Lord of The Bling Bling?”

Wanksta’s guide to being hip, dog!

“White boy be preaching up in here,” holla’s resident eminem wannabe- ‘wanksta’. This issue sees the inception of Wanksta’s ‘dress like a pimp and pick up ho’s fashion tips, as well as a run-down of the phattest ice you can wrap around your neck. He also gives ‘ word to your momma.

MJ 'claims' Khan

'Zimbabwe has erection plobrem' Hu Jintao

China and Zimbabwe find themselves on the brink of war after Chinese President Hu Jintao has decided to speak out on Zimbabwe's 'erection plobrem' and declared Robert Mugabe 'an inadequate reader'.

Sources close to Mugabe say 'Hu used to be close to Mugabe but who knew Hu could do something like this.'

Efforts to mediate a truce between the two normally peaceable countries has reached an impasse after a heated exchange between their respective leaders.

Hu Jintao demanded to know 'Why is Zimbabwe infration so high?' To which Mr. Mugabe heatedly replied 'Fluctuations!' Hu Jintao then stormed out of the mediation, and just before slamming the door, turned back to Mugabe and said: 'Fluck you Zimbabweans!'

Waseem -Allegedly- Dawood

Boy contemplates meaning of lunch

'Oh boy, mum remembered polony' Hamza replied sarcastically when asked what he had brought for lunch.

Hamza said today '90% of my lunch is some kind of polony derivative.'

'It sucks' added Hamza.

Meanwhile Waseem has brought burgers for lunch claiming his mother loves him. 'She even put the burgers in buns,' he said.

Waseem -Allegedly- Dawood

DIE's Al Reddy supports Load Shedding

It's not often that we hear the good side of load shedding, but Dr. Al Reddy from the organisation Doctors for Implementing Euthanasia (DIE) has called Eskom's 'power sharing' a step in right direction for their cause.

'Load shedding has removed the need for us to mercy kill all of our long time life support patients by cutting the power to their machines,' said Dr. Reddy. 'When I first heard of load shedding, I was hopeful that we would be included among those lucky few, as I saw the opportunities it presented.'

The problem has surfaced however that many of the wannabe euthanised are not on life support and are unable to reap the benefits of load shedding. Dr Reddy has called for these patients to have patience as DIE is currently looking into other government projects that may aid their cause.

Waseem -Allegedly- Dawood

Canadian Comedian retires at the Peak of his Career

Accomplished Canadian comedian, Russel Peters retired from show business last night. Many fans were shocked by his announcement, as he had never shown any previous intent on quitting comedy.

Peters 19 year career has led to many achievements, with the biggest being his performance at the Curry Muncher comedy festival where he opened the show for Mithin Chukraborti.

In an exclusive interview with Almost News, Peters discussed why he retired. "I was just sick of getting the same response every where I go, you know. Its like, I'll come up with great new material, and all the audience wants to hear is 'Be a Man! Do the right thing!' I'm more than that you know, Peters said as he broke down into tears. 'I hate that fucking Chinese accent, I hate it, but that's all they want from me. I feel like one of those hobbits from the Lord of the Rings movies who have been typecast.

MJ 'claims' Khan