Rihanna : 'Shut up and Drive'

21 year old Selwyn Thumbasamy was arrested earlier today for obstruction of justice and disobeying a police officer, Chatsworth police confirmed.

Boya Pillay, the arresting officer, reported that Mr. Thumbasamy did not stop when asked to, and in fact sped up. Officer Boya further detailed in his report when Mr. Thumbasamy did finally stop, Officer Boya discovered he was driving with an open umbrella. Officer Boya then requested Mr. Thumbasamy to step out of the vehicle, which he duly did, but afterwards took a bow.

Mr. Thumbasamy is currently under police custody at the Chatsworth police station where he claims 'Rihanna (the R&B star) told me to do it'. A Rihanna CD was later discovered in his CD player. R&B analysts say it is fortunate Rihanna's Unfaithful was not on the CD, citing the lyric 'Might as well take a gun and put it to his head, get it over with' as particularly worrying.

After a recent case where Satan told a teenage boy to attack people with a sword, police are now investigating links between Rihanna and Satan.

Waseem -Allegedly- Dawood

Innocent if it takes too long to be proven guilty

After a court application was made for 'a permanent stay of execution of charges against Zuma as his case has been delayed for far too long', many defendants have filed a similar plea in order to have charges dropped against them.

Radovan Karadzic, former Bosnian Serb wartime President, facing charges of genocide in the 1992-95 Bosnian war, said 'Oh man, you guys still remember that, can't we all just move on?' His lawyers claim it is not his fault that it took so long to find him. Childhood friend, Miroslav Milosevic said 'He was always good at Hide and Seek, took us hours to find him, eventually we gave up and went to play Stuck in the Mud.'

Robert Mugabe, former, current and future president of Zimbabwe, feels the same mentality to should be applied to the Zimbabwe elections. 'Enough of these power sharing and re-election talks, time has passed for discussions , it is time for me to be president again. Tsvangarai los..., didn't wi..., I'm just president OK!'

Waseem -Allegedly- Dawood