Fall actually a metaphor

Finance Portfolio Committee chair Nhlanhla Nene, who recently found his chair collapsing under him during a live television interview, has claimed the fall was deliberate and actually a metaphor likening the Rand's sudden drop in value to his drop from the chair.

Speaking at his next, less eventful, interview, Mr. Nene said "Just like the wheel came off my chair, the wheels seem to have come off our economy. I felt someone needed to do something drastic, so I took matters into my own hands and took the fall. I, however refuse to be labelled the 'fall guy' over this incident."

When asked about inspiration behind the move, Mr. Nene replied,"Well, I am a chair person."

Waseem -Allegedly- Dawood

Going global

The Almost News team is very happy to announce the appointment of their first Foreign Matters correspondent, who will be reporting on issues from the UK and Europe.

"Yes, I have to say that I do believe that foreign affairs are relevant, as the world is becoming a global village, with it's fair share of village idiots. I am very happy to be a part of the team, in fact I have a feeling of pleasure which has a lot in common with being given first go in a bollock-kicking contest", Mr Parasputin said.

This new appointment comes amidst speculation from the Middle East, that there may be a headhunting campaign to take over reporters from established publications. The Almost News team has met these comments with a categorical denial that these rumours have any factual basis. "Our colleagues at Al-Jahiliyya have nothing to fear."

Health Department deny virus

A call for calm has come out of the Gauteng Health Department via E-Mail to leading agencies, claiming the deadly virus sweeping the province is total fiction. The email also informed news agencies that the Gauteng Health Department is now relocating to Limpopo for a change of scenery.

Zanele Mngadi, Gauteng Health spokesperson, spotted at an airport getting a ticket to 'the first flight out of Gauteng', echoed these sentiments. Mngadi, dressed smartly in a Hazmat suit, said, "Everything is fine, what sick people? What Morningside Clinic? I'm just going on holiday for an indefinite duration, but I will address this rumor as soon as I get back."

In totally unrelated news, 91 people are being monitored closely as a precautionary measure at a private hospital. Family members have been told not to be concerned, but are being reminded of the importance of updating their wills.

Waseem -Allegedly- Dawood