Dalai Lama Peaced Off

Tibetan spiritual leader, Dalai Lama has been denied a visa to South Africa as 'A visit now by the Dalai Lama would move the focus from South Africa' according to Kgalema Motlanthe, SA President. "It's my country and I will cry if I want to," said the President."And I will also invite who I want."

Denying any involvement of China, Motlanthe's senior advisor, Wen Wu said, "Plesident no risten to China, he onry risten to me and other tlusted advisor, Hong Li and Hui Chen." Mr. Wu did however concede that China is 'vely important fleind of South Aflica'.

A spokesman for the Dalai Lama said he was "very disappointed" by the decision but surprisingly defiant and has claimed, "I didn't wanna come for your stupid conference anyway."

Despite the multiple outcries of disappointment from political parties and the public at large, several business owners have applauded the President's decision. "Darai Rama come, we no get stock. We no get stock, we no get money. Kgarema make light decision."

Waseem -Allegedly- Dawood

New President of Madagascar 'likes to move it, move it'

Madagascar's constitutional court has declared His Royal Highness, the illustrious King Julian the XIII, self-proclaimed lord of the lemurs, et cetera, et cetera, the new president of the Indian Ocean island. His appointment has come a day after former president, Marc Ravalomanana, was swept from office by the army.

On his appointment, King Julian thanked the army, "After much deep and profound brain things inside my head, I have decided to thank you for bringing peace to our home." He also sang out his credentials to several thousand fans celebrating in May 13 Square in the capital, Antananarivo. 'I am very clever king... tok tok tok tok... I am super genius... I am robot king of the monkey thing... compute... compute.'

Although UN chief Ban Ki-moon expressed concern, many of King Julian's fellow African leaders have embraced Madagascar's new president, including Robert Mugabe, president of Zimbabwe, who found common ground between Africa's youngest leader and himself. Mugabe said,'He likes to move it, move it. We like to ... move it.'

Waseem -Allegedly- Dawood

Schabir Shaik Sick Swears Doctors

Due to the huge public outcry, and immense political condemnation, the medical doctors responsible for advising the parole board to allow Schabir Shaik on medical parole, have today decided to speak out on the terminal illness of Mr. Shaik and quash all misconceptions over their high profile decision.

Dr. Q. Uack, speaking from his newly purchased home in Sandton, informed journalists that Mr. Shaik was suffering from a rare and fatal strain of HSV (Home Sickness Virus)."We attempted curing the virus by feeding him home-cooked meals and various other takeouts he used to enjoy, as well as allowing him time out with his son, but he seemed non-responsive to treatment and we were forced to recommend medical parole."

Dr. Joseph Kenilworth of the Joseph Oxford Kenilworth Edwards University, another of the attending doctors, was shocked to find Mr. Shaik suffering from severe depression. "Never in all my years as a doctor have I ever found a prisoner to be suffering from depression. We had to act quickly before the depression spread and many more prisoners became depressed about prison life." Dr Kenilworth however reassured the public that he believed that they had managed to catch the dreaded disease in time.

Dr. F. Ake, another attending doctor, whose credentials include visited the doctor on many occasions, said,"The man[Shaik] is sick, for godsakes, he could die at any minute." When queried as to how long Mr. Shaik had to live, Dr. Ake said,"I don't know. What do I look like? A doctor? "

Waseem -Allegedly- Dawood