5 Little Piggies : The Aftermath

The small town of Foot was rocked recently by the murder of beloved, 2nd little Piggie, who was found dead at the Piggies home this past Friday night. The murder scene left officers baffled behind the possible motive for such a crime. Events soon escalated after it was discovered that 5th Little Piggie was taken into custody, charged with the murder of his brother, 2nd.

Authorities have now revealed this was due to the trail of urine(wee) found leading towards the Piggies home, around the time of the apparent murder, which upon DNA analysis matched that of 5th. Close friends have said even though there was an animosity between the two, no-one could have predicted such a tragedy.

Our well wishes and condolences go out to the Piggie family at this trying time.

-Waseem 'Allegedly' Dawood-

Televised Coverage of World War 3

Welcome back to Concerning News Network with your host, MJ Khan. As we reflect on the bloodshed and destruction that has engulfed the world in the past two weeks, tonight we uncover the events leading up to what has tragically been referred to as the 'Coke Jihad'. We now cross over live to our field reporter, 'has-been' Bollywood star Kareena Kapoor who is one of the few survivors of the land which used to be known as India until last Wednesday.

MJ: Kareena, a population of over a billion people have been wiped out by the nuclear blast over Delhi last week, how many survivors are there?

Kareena: MJ, the scenes here are harrowing, I am currently standing next to the Ganges river in a land which was called Varanasi, and while the river is still as polluted as it was last month, there are now high levels of radioactive waste mixing with the ashes and raw sewage. This scene reminds me of my poor Shaheer. India will never bear another son like him.

MJ: Kareena, How did this war start?

Kareena: The war started a month ago when some individuals from a Danish terrorist group called Citizens opposed Killing Economies sent a hoax e-mail out in protest of the economic boycotts that some Muslim countries have placed on Danish products following the 'prophet Muhammed cartoon saga' in September 2005. The e-mail included a fake Coca Cola print advertisement which incensed the 1.6 billion Muslim population. This led to the burning of embassies, as well as wide scale riots in Mombasa, London, Chechnya and Houston Texas. A critical point in the saga was Monday when well known actress and humanitarian Angelina Jolie was assassinated during an AIDS awareness concert in India. This led to nuclear retaliation by America.

MJ: Can you describe the hoax advert to the viewers. Is this the first time that Coke was used to incite a particular religious or ethnic group?

Kareena: No Mj, this is not the first time that Coca-Cola was used in a malicious campaign. However, this is the first time that is was the cause of such tragedy - how i miss my little Sha-hee. The mock up print advert that was circulated had a page of the Quran on it (the quran is the Muslims holy scripture) but a sentence was modified and instead of it saying 'Kuloo nafsi Zaaikatul Maut' (Every soul shall have a taste of death), it read Kiloo Nafsi zaaikatul Coke (Every soul shall have a taste of coke)

MJ: We at Concerning News Network refuse to screen the offensive advert, as we value our muslim viewers (and our t.v studios) however, due to our vigorous defense of freedom of expression we will show the last hoax e-mail

MJ 'Claims' Khan
N.B WHILE THIS IS A WORK OF PARODY, I MUST STRESS THAT THE IMPLICATIONS ARE NOT LOST. WHILE I HAVE MADE UP THE FICTITIOUS 'EVERY SOUL' CAMPAIGN, THERE ARE MANY E-MAILS THAT ARE BEING CIRCULATED AND PEOPLE ARE FALLING FOR THEM. PLEASE VERIFY YOUR MAIL. FOR MORE ON THE 'COKE OF THE ROCK CAMPAIGN, CLICK HERE AND HERE

Queer wizard actually queer

In a news flash that has rocked the very foundations of Hogwarts, Albus Dumbledore, respected headmaster, has been posthumously outed from the closet. Just like Princess Diana, it seems Dumbledore's death has done nothing to quiet the interest in him.

One of his favorite pupils, Harry Potter had this to say. "This is just more proof of how much he hid from me, this makes a lot of sense now that I think about it, that elaborate fashion sense, his weird mannerisms, the gay porn. Damn him, this is so like him to take the spotlight even in death."

Ron Weasley, noted sidekick, expressed shock and discomfort at the news. "Blimey, never pegged Dumbledore for a fruit, I always got the heebie jeebies when I was alone in a room with him ... um not that there is anything wrong with being a battyboy or nothing."

Hermione Granger, smartest girl at Hogwarts (or insufferable know-it-all as she is known to her friends), claims she has always known this. "It was fairly obvious, I thought everyone knew and just did not want to say thing. After all he spent a 100 or so years without marrying, how gay is that"

Headmistress McGonagall still seemed a bit distraught over his death, and this news has only compounded to it causing her to ramble incoherently."It makes no sense ... I mean wasn't he ...was that why he didn't ...it is always the good ones. Damn that Grindelwald."

Aberforth, Dumbledore's estranged brother, known sexual deviant, was surprisingly accepting of this piece of news. "I always knew him and that Grindelwald feller were doing more than just magical experiments if you know what I'm saying."

-Waseem 'Allegedly' Dawood-

NB. JK Rowling actually said that she always thought of Dumbledore as gay in a reading at Carnegie Hall.

And they chatted happily ever after

History was made this weekend with the first ever couple to get married on mxit. The marriage between Badboyzn and MrsBadboyzn formerly known as Sexygirlzn took place at Durban12. It was a small affair, only seven per room, with some quite famous handles invited for the wedding. Amongst the guests where:

BadBoy4lifezn
Badgirl-zn
|34D|30Y-zn
and R()T!(H!C|{

The affair was not your usual glamorous wedding, simply incorporating their love for mxit and each other. The bride as is seen with most Indian weddings logged on half an hour later than planned after which the ceremony started. Drama ensued when badboyzn left the room without a "brb" during the all important “I do”. Rumours ran wild that the groom had second thoughts and could not go through with the ceremony, some saying the lack of picture swopping being the main reason. Luckily for Sexygirlzn, Badboyzn was not about to leave his allegedly beautiful bride at the alter, logging back just minutes later claiming he DC'ed. Shortly after the ceremony the throwing of the (f) commenced with R()T!(H!C|{ catching the bouquet, much to the chagrin of |34D|30Y-zn who just invited her to go private. As the newly married couple prepared to leave for their honeymoon Almost News was allowed a few questions. On there first meeting, it was agreed that it was love at first sentence, “He had me at asl, it was da way he sed it dat really stood out from the rest, n wen he askd me to go pvt after dat, I just knew he was da 1”. When questioned on destination, they replied in unison “JHB 23”. MrsBadboyzn then added “ We herd frm a lot of our fwends dat JHB 23 has lot of fwendwy ppl n we both hope to make lot of nu contacts.”

When asked to comment on the marriage creators of mxit released this press statement.
“We created mxit with the sole intention of creating anarchy, mxit while driving, working, school. It's a shame that it has lead to two people falling in love, we just wanted to bring about the fall of the economy. We are looking to shutdown all servers to further stifle this unforeseen reaction.”

Althafs Cuzzy Almost News Chatsworth

Robbie Williams Steps out of the Closet

British singing star and pop icon, Robbie Williams, told a packed conference in London that he is finally ready to embrace his sexuality and declared that he is gay. The singing star was previously concerned that his 80 million pound record deal with EMI would be cancelled, but was relieved when they told him last month that he can share his secret with the world.The announcement has sent shock waves across the music world as Robbie Williams is often portrayed as a red-blooded heterosexual man.

His publicist, ms Jo Khan fielded various questions after the conference. According to ms Khan, Robbie has been alluding to his sexual orientation for many years now and that he is glad he has come out of the closet. She states that in his 2001 documentary, Nobody Someday, he admits that the “brand” of Robbie Williams the pop star is fake and he feels uncomfortable about it. She also states that his popular song Rock DJ is an actuality an “ allegory of his stormy love triangle with DJ Paul Oakenfold, a popular dance DJ and former child star Macauly Culkin”. Culkin is also the focus of his hit duet with Kylie Minogue, Kids. Khan said, “ Robbie is relieved and wants to start a vigorous re-branding campaign which is more true to the real him. Amongst the various changes, Robbie wants to change the name of his 1998 album to I've been expecting you sir".

Long time fan of Robbie Williams, ms Q Daya said “ I am glad that Robbie finally came out of the closet. He has been really depressed recently”. Robbie’s various addictions are well publicized and are now believed to be part of his way of dealing with his former persona. The cheeky superstar was all smiles when he told the horde of journalists present at the conference that he likes to ‘take it up the batty”, a popular British slang used to describe a sexual act. When asked which musicians he fancied, Robbie said that he would love to “get it on with the entire ensemble of Ladysmith Black Mambazo”, a popular Academy Award winning South African choir. His latest album Intensive Care, a reference to Intensive Care Vaseline is one of the biggest selling albums of 2005 achieving No 1 status in 18 countries.

MJ 'claims' Khan

Time with God goes into overtime

A Muslim priest has apologised for over-running the normal duration of Friday's midday prayer. Despite receiving many pointed stares at the clock, as well as what can only be described as meaningful throat clearings, Muslim priest Mohammed continued his lecture for an extra two minutes. Many prominent business owners expressed silent outrage, followed by some louder grumbles while leaving the mosque.

Restaurant owner, Mohammed said "I sacrifice my 5 minutes for this weekly prayer, so I can't afford those extra minutes, a minute wasted is a customer lost".

An elderly shoe shop owner, Mohamed commented that "In my day we used to have twice the prayer in half the time, these extra minutes show a blatant disregard for my shoe shop ... Asmals, Cathedral Road, finest shoes for the finest prices."

Not everyone was against the lengthy prayer though. "I work for a company, and the longer I spend in prayer is more time I don't have to be back at the office," said Mohammed, salesman at Mr Price, who was then promptly stoned.

Another mosque regular had another complaint, "I don't mind the going over time, but where is the biryani?" asks Mohamed.

-Waseem 'Allegedly' Dawood-