Rick Rolling out of control

As the Rick Rolled toll soars, a group of concerned citizens,PARA (People Against Rick Astley), spearheaded by a few celebrities, have called for the immediate execution of Rick Astley for crimes against humanity.

'I have never been so insulted in all my life (except during the impeachment trials)', said former president, Bill Clinton, who was allegedly rick rolled 15 times while trying to click on 'nude intern pics'.'Once Hilary is in office, I will make sure rick rolling is punishable by death, but I still think we should start at the source.'

Another high profile rick rolled victim Paris Hilton, is unable to stop singing the infamous song.'Never gonna give you up ... never gonna let you down,' cried Miss Hilton.

'Ruck rou, Rick Rastley', said popular comic canine, Scooby Doo.

For more information on rick roll, click here

-Waseem 'Allegedly' Dawood-

Peach and Luigi elope. Mushroom Kingdom in shock

Chaos erupted in the Mushroom Kingdom this week, when Princess Peach, current Monarch and ruler eloped with a local plumber, Luigi. Many residents are still coming to terms with the marriage, with most feeling that it will create instability in the region.

The hardest hit by the event is Luigi's brother Mario, who spent most of the week at Yoshi's Bar and Tavern, inebriated with Mushroom Beer. Almost News asked Mario for a comment to which he replied "That no good floozy did nothing but lead me on. Mario I baked you a cake, and mario please a save a me. Do you know how many a times I saved her ass from Bowser? Can't the cow get better security or a restraining order or something? I'd like to see my rat brother save her this weekend".

Princess Peach responded to Mario's comments by saying, "all that fat hobbit did was collect coins and jump on goombas all day. I needed more than some money grabbing sexual deviant. Luigi always had time to listen to me. He was never busy collecting stars, or abusing turtles or anything. And I must say, while Mario was busy exploring pipes, Luigi was seeing to my pumbling quite nicely" she added.

When asked if he felt like he betrayed his brother, Luigi said, "Ai, what to do, Shit a Happens'

MJ 'Claims' Khan

Professor Will I Am explains genetics

Professor Will I Am presented at a genetic research conference today revealing his findings on genetics, particularly female genetics. His findings have been described as ‘the biggest find in genetic research since Dolly the sheep’ and has caused an uproar amongst the ugly community. Known for his previous research into ‘lady lumps’ and ‘humps’, Professor Am felt he should be the one to ask the important question of ‘where'd you get yo body from?’

“The research was carried out in various clubs and beaches, where the question was asked to women between the ages 20-24. After months of painstaking research, the resounding answer was ‘I got it from my mama’, which was repeated a few more times for emphasis.”

Professor Am went on to say that “ Statistics also reveal that 9 out of 10 times if a women is pretty, she is pretty like her mother. Conversely, if a women is ugly, 9 out of 10 times she will be ugly like her mother”

When asked what he thinks this research can help prove, Professor Am has said, ”It will help in the fight against ugliness, I will spread the message, even if I have to rap it.”

Ugly women everywhere have protested this research and called for more in-depth study into the project before the result can be considered conclusive. One hideous woman, with a nice personality, has claimed,” After all, ugly people are people too.”

Some of the ugly have reacted angrily and demanded to know,” What you say about my mama?”

Waseem ‘Allegedly’ Dawood

'Just Joking' says Bush

In a light hearted press conference, President George Bush has claimed he was 'just joking' when he gave the order for the US to invade Iraq. 'When Colin[Powell] came up to me that March, and asked me if I felt like invading Iraq, despite the fact they had no sign of weapons of mass destruction, I said "Sure, why not, all the soldiers are dressed up with nowhere to go". When the first bombs hit Baghdad, Barbara and I laughed so hard. The Saddam hanging was a bit hardcore though. I think the joke has gone bit too far now, maybe the troops should come home.'

'No offence.' Bush added, to the thousands of dead and injured Iraqis.

Vice President Cheney chuckled and commented that, 'He[Bush] is always doing funny shit like this, like the time he said he wanted to run for president. Oh, how we laughed.'

'Lol', remarked former Secretary of Defence, Donald Rumsfeld.

-Waseem 'Allegedly' Dawood-

Calls for Peace in Middle-Durban

Durban, South Africa Minority Front leader Amithabh Rajbachan calls for ceasefire this diwali, pleading to the rival Indian communities, Chatsworth and Phoenix, to put aside differences and embrace each other as brothers and sisters. Citing last year's incident, when several Indians where held back and one Moonien Muroogadesin had his mother severely sworn, as inhumane and a real tragedy. "It will keep getting worse unless the communities take swift action" he said.

Historians claim war started on slave ships, Phoenix and Chatsworth, when one aboard the Chatsworth exclaimed "This ship is banging ekse". Residents from Chatsworth believe it started when Aunty Saras stole Pushpa's AMC pots, Aunty Saras being from the Phoenix side. Casualties high on both sides and increasing the war shows no signs of ending. Many weapons have been chosen over the years such as taxi sound offs and who can wear the most gold without falling down.

A resident Phoenician on talks of peace "Only if those chassie boys recognize who really be rockfalling, I'm training my lighty to be a don, he has two gold tooth's, and can handle three chains...united!!"
A hopeful Amithabh Rajbachan concluded with "I have a dream, where all Indian communities can bang equally. A dream where all Indians can put facecloths in the back of their collies and not be singled out." A statement no doubt which will be echoed for generations to come.

SPCA launches the 'Protect your Pet' campaign

The SPCA started a nationwide campaign this week in the hope of averting the many animal cruelty cases that it has had to deal with in the past month. Spokesperson for the SPCA, Mr Hamish Grey stated in a media briefing "that while this period is generally known as peak time for animal rights violations", citing Guy Fawkes as the politically correct and culturally sensitive reason for pet injuries,"this year there has been an alarming rise in rodent and turtle injuries as well.

The SPCA has received many pet mice and rats with severe stove burns. It has also had to scour the sewage system for flushed turtles (a phenomenon that also took place seventeen years ago) The SPCA is requesting that parents monitor their children's play time activity and stress that children who are 'fucked in the head' as well as those still teething, not be given pets. So far there is no explanation for the spate of cruelty, but the South African Police are investigating.

MJ 'Claims' Khan