Hansel wins Male Model of the Year

Audiences were left in awe yesterday, at the Vh1 Male Model Awards yesterday, when male model newcomer, Hansel, pipped the favorite, Derek Zoolander, to the Best Male Model award.

While many were left surprised, Jacque Rabin Mugatu, famed fashion designer, was not one of them. "Hansel, he's so hot right now," he confided to Almost News insiders.

On receipt of his award, Hansel went about thanking his many heroes."Richard Gere's a real hero of mine. Sting. Sting would be another person who's a hero. The music he's created over the years, I don't really listen to it, but the fact that he's making it, I respect that."

Not everyone was as thrilled over Hansel's win, Derek Zoolander, a previous VH1 Best Male Model winner, had this to say. "Hansel? He thinks he is too cool for school, but I have a newsflash for him ... he isn't."

Waseem -Allegedly- Dawood

Zim Play Blame Game

After recent reports by Zimbabwe's Information Minister, Sikhanyiso Ndlovu, blaming the cholera outbreak on "serious biological chemical war . . . a genocidal onslaught on the people of Zimbabwe by the British." Mr. Ndlovu also divulged many other shocking acts of atrocity committed by the rest of the world to the once strong and vibrant country.

"Our inflation is all due to the UN, when Kofi Annan, then secretary general, borrowed our Woolworths card, and bought many items on credit, which he failed to pay for, causing Woolworths to charge us vast amounts of interest, as well as tragically preventing us from ever shopping in Woolworths again. He has yet to return the card!" claimed Mr. Ndlovu, angrily.

"We have also been victims of various acts of terrorism which the international media fails to highlight. This very week, Al-Qaeda smashed my wife's car into the garage door, causing untold damage to our home and casting fear into the very hearts of the Zimbabwean people. The Al Qaeda also placed me, inebriated, into the drivers seat, casting doubt onto my flawless character."

Zimbabwean opposition leader, and 'Prime Minister', Morgan Tsvangirai, refused to confirm Ndlovu's claims, but did however share his own finding that Robert Mugabe was sent by aliens to destroy the whole of Zimbabwe.

At the time of going to press, aliens have since denied such a heinous act, and have considered filing a case of libel against Mr. Tsvangirai, but have been put off by their inability to spell his name.

Waseem -Allegedly- Dawood

Barack Obama: Closet Muslim?

Rumors have resurfaced that Barack Obama, now president of the United States, is in fact Muslim, despite the numerous stories to the contrary. Conspiracy theorists and rumor mongers are in the process of building up credible evidence to prove once and for all, Obama is a member of the Islamic faith.

The reason for recent suspicions of President Obama's faith, is his sudden disappearance immediately after sunset. White House officials are also concerned about the President waking well before sunrise, and often appearing later with folded trousers.

A source in the IRS has confirmed the President has recently paid out an amount, which totals just above 2.5% of his entire assets, to an anonymous charity. The source also confirmed that this payment happens annually, usually around the time of the Muslims' holy month of Ramadaan.

President Obama has once again refuted rumors, and refused to comment. "I will neither deny nor confirm such ridiculous rumors." The President did however confirm he is planning a 3-4 week trip to Saudi Arabia, and hopes to ease tensions in the Middle East, as well as get a haircut. He also asked everyone for their forgiveness.

Waseem -Allegedly- Dawood

Fall actually a metaphor

Finance Portfolio Committee chair Nhlanhla Nene, who recently found his chair collapsing under him during a live television interview, has claimed the fall was deliberate and actually a metaphor likening the Rand's sudden drop in value to his drop from the chair.

Speaking at his next, less eventful, interview, Mr. Nene said "Just like the wheel came off my chair, the wheels seem to have come off our economy. I felt someone needed to do something drastic, so I took matters into my own hands and took the fall. I, however refuse to be labelled the 'fall guy' over this incident."

When asked about inspiration behind the move, Mr. Nene replied,"Well, I am a chair person."

Waseem -Allegedly- Dawood

Going global

The Almost News team is very happy to announce the appointment of their first Foreign Matters correspondent, who will be reporting on issues from the UK and Europe.

"Yes, I have to say that I do believe that foreign affairs are relevant, as the world is becoming a global village, with it's fair share of village idiots. I am very happy to be a part of the team, in fact I have a feeling of pleasure which has a lot in common with being given first go in a bollock-kicking contest", Mr Parasputin said.

This new appointment comes amidst speculation from the Middle East, that there may be a headhunting campaign to take over reporters from established publications. The Almost News team has met these comments with a categorical denial that these rumours have any factual basis. "Our colleagues at Al-Jahiliyya have nothing to fear."

Health Department deny virus

A call for calm has come out of the Gauteng Health Department via E-Mail to leading agencies, claiming the deadly virus sweeping the province is total fiction. The email also informed news agencies that the Gauteng Health Department is now relocating to Limpopo for a change of scenery.

Zanele Mngadi, Gauteng Health spokesperson, spotted at an airport getting a ticket to 'the first flight out of Gauteng', echoed these sentiments. Mngadi, dressed smartly in a Hazmat suit, said, "Everything is fine, what sick people? What Morningside Clinic? I'm just going on holiday for an indefinite duration, but I will address this rumor as soon as I get back."

In totally unrelated news, 91 people are being monitored closely as a precautionary measure at a private hospital. Family members have been told not to be concerned, but are being reminded of the importance of updating their wills.

Waseem -Allegedly- Dawood

Fatwa sparks fear in cartoon mice

After a recent Fatwa by Sheik Muhammad Munajid, claiming the mouse is 'Satan's Soldier' and even has gone so far to say killing of Mickey Mouse would be permissible, cartoon mice around the world have been put on high alert.

"I don't know why he don't like me. I'm so leetle. I don't take up much room. And don't eat much." said Speedy Gonzales.

The Brain, a mouse who is well known for his attempts at global conquest feels offended at being branded 'Satan's soldier.' "We work alone and attribute nothing to Satan. This gives me an idea though." The Brain remarked and afterwards asked his companion "Are you pondering what I'm pondering." To which Pinky replied, "I think so, Brain, but how will we get the Spice Girls into the paella? "

The fatwa has led to radicals across the Muslim world to destroy the small, hand-controlled input devices connected to their computers.

"Not that mouse." reassured Sheik Muhammad Munajid.

Waseem -Allegedly- Dawood