Facebook crashes local Internet

South Africa's banking system came to a startling halt today as the national network crashed. This led to rioting all over the country as people could not access their savings or make purchases. One distraught man told 'Almost News' that, "This is unacceptable - first the electricity screws us over, and now this? Christmas is in a few weeks. How am I supposed to buy gifts for my daughter if I can't use my credit card?"

Another disgruntled citizen, Mr Charles Taylor stated that "Trust South Africa to have its Y2K seven years after the scare".

The cause of the crash (which experts attribute to broadband overload) was due to someone installing over two hundred applications for their facebook profile. Ms Karol van de Beer's love for new facebook applications strained the already minuscule broadband that South Africa has, and caused the system to crash. Ms de Beer was arrested for contravening an obscure injunction of the recently introduced anti -terrorism bill (two of her neighbours, Mr Goolam and Mr Khan were also arrested due to the proximity of their fences to hers)

Police Inspector, Harry Naidoo, states that "The South African Police Service is committed to protecting the country from all types of negative influences, be it MXIT menaces or facebook fiends. Amongst the notorious applications added, were a variety of alert applications such as 'poke me, stroke me and loke me'. Other applications that ate the bandwidth were, dirty dwarves dancing', and 'freight me date me'. The Police are taking this matter very seriously as it exposes facebooks connection to deviant sex practises as well as human trafficking. Inspector Naidoo has stated that they are most worried about the 'poke me, stroke me loke me' application as the word loke could be a code for an impending terrorist attack. Police urge people to be vigilant regarding facebook applications, and should not use the social networking application for adding useless applications, but for the purpose that it has been created for; to get laid.

MJ 'claims' Khan

Rick Rolling out of control

As the Rick Rolled toll soars, a group of concerned citizens,PARA (People Against Rick Astley), spearheaded by a few celebrities, have called for the immediate execution of Rick Astley for crimes against humanity.

'I have never been so insulted in all my life (except during the impeachment trials)', said former president, Bill Clinton, who was allegedly rick rolled 15 times while trying to click on 'nude intern pics'.'Once Hilary is in office, I will make sure rick rolling is punishable by death, but I still think we should start at the source.'

Another high profile rick rolled victim Paris Hilton, is unable to stop singing the infamous song.'Never gonna give you up ... never gonna let you down,' cried Miss Hilton.

'Ruck rou, Rick Rastley', said popular comic canine, Scooby Doo.

For more information on rick roll, click here

-Waseem 'Allegedly' Dawood-

Peach and Luigi elope. Mushroom Kingdom in shock

Chaos erupted in the Mushroom Kingdom this week, when Princess Peach, current Monarch and ruler eloped with a local plumber, Luigi. Many residents are still coming to terms with the marriage, with most feeling that it will create instability in the region.

The hardest hit by the event is Luigi's brother Mario, who spent most of the week at Yoshi's Bar and Tavern, inebriated with Mushroom Beer. Almost News asked Mario for a comment to which he replied "That no good floozy did nothing but lead me on. Mario I baked you a cake, and mario please a save a me. Do you know how many a times I saved her ass from Bowser? Can't the cow get better security or a restraining order or something? I'd like to see my rat brother save her this weekend".

Princess Peach responded to Mario's comments by saying, "all that fat hobbit did was collect coins and jump on goombas all day. I needed more than some money grabbing sexual deviant. Luigi always had time to listen to me. He was never busy collecting stars, or abusing turtles or anything. And I must say, while Mario was busy exploring pipes, Luigi was seeing to my pumbling quite nicely" she added.

When asked if he felt like he betrayed his brother, Luigi said, "Ai, what to do, Shit a Happens'

MJ 'Claims' Khan

Professor Will I Am explains genetics

Professor Will I Am presented at a genetic research conference today revealing his findings on genetics, particularly female genetics. His findings have been described as ‘the biggest find in genetic research since Dolly the sheep’ and has caused an uproar amongst the ugly community. Known for his previous research into ‘lady lumps’ and ‘humps’, Professor Am felt he should be the one to ask the important question of ‘where'd you get yo body from?’

“The research was carried out in various clubs and beaches, where the question was asked to women between the ages 20-24. After months of painstaking research, the resounding answer was ‘I got it from my mama’, which was repeated a few more times for emphasis.”

Professor Am went on to say that “ Statistics also reveal that 9 out of 10 times if a women is pretty, she is pretty like her mother. Conversely, if a women is ugly, 9 out of 10 times she will be ugly like her mother”

When asked what he thinks this research can help prove, Professor Am has said, ”It will help in the fight against ugliness, I will spread the message, even if I have to rap it.”

Ugly women everywhere have protested this research and called for more in-depth study into the project before the result can be considered conclusive. One hideous woman, with a nice personality, has claimed,” After all, ugly people are people too.”

Some of the ugly have reacted angrily and demanded to know,” What you say about my mama?”

Waseem ‘Allegedly’ Dawood

'Just Joking' says Bush

In a light hearted press conference, President George Bush has claimed he was 'just joking' when he gave the order for the US to invade Iraq. 'When Colin[Powell] came up to me that March, and asked me if I felt like invading Iraq, despite the fact they had no sign of weapons of mass destruction, I said "Sure, why not, all the soldiers are dressed up with nowhere to go". When the first bombs hit Baghdad, Barbara and I laughed so hard. The Saddam hanging was a bit hardcore though. I think the joke has gone bit too far now, maybe the troops should come home.'

'No offence.' Bush added, to the thousands of dead and injured Iraqis.

Vice President Cheney chuckled and commented that, 'He[Bush] is always doing funny shit like this, like the time he said he wanted to run for president. Oh, how we laughed.'

'Lol', remarked former Secretary of Defence, Donald Rumsfeld.

-Waseem 'Allegedly' Dawood-

Calls for Peace in Middle-Durban

Durban, South Africa Minority Front leader Amithabh Rajbachan calls for ceasefire this diwali, pleading to the rival Indian communities, Chatsworth and Phoenix, to put aside differences and embrace each other as brothers and sisters. Citing last year's incident, when several Indians where held back and one Moonien Muroogadesin had his mother severely sworn, as inhumane and a real tragedy. "It will keep getting worse unless the communities take swift action" he said.

Historians claim war started on slave ships, Phoenix and Chatsworth, when one aboard the Chatsworth exclaimed "This ship is banging ekse". Residents from Chatsworth believe it started when Aunty Saras stole Pushpa's AMC pots, Aunty Saras being from the Phoenix side. Casualties high on both sides and increasing the war shows no signs of ending. Many weapons have been chosen over the years such as taxi sound offs and who can wear the most gold without falling down.

A resident Phoenician on talks of peace "Only if those chassie boys recognize who really be rockfalling, I'm training my lighty to be a don, he has two gold tooth's, and can handle three chains...united!!"
A hopeful Amithabh Rajbachan concluded with "I have a dream, where all Indian communities can bang equally. A dream where all Indians can put facecloths in the back of their collies and not be singled out." A statement no doubt which will be echoed for generations to come.

SPCA launches the 'Protect your Pet' campaign

The SPCA started a nationwide campaign this week in the hope of averting the many animal cruelty cases that it has had to deal with in the past month. Spokesperson for the SPCA, Mr Hamish Grey stated in a media briefing "that while this period is generally known as peak time for animal rights violations", citing Guy Fawkes as the politically correct and culturally sensitive reason for pet injuries,"this year there has been an alarming rise in rodent and turtle injuries as well.

The SPCA has received many pet mice and rats with severe stove burns. It has also had to scour the sewage system for flushed turtles (a phenomenon that also took place seventeen years ago) The SPCA is requesting that parents monitor their children's play time activity and stress that children who are 'fucked in the head' as well as those still teething, not be given pets. So far there is no explanation for the spate of cruelty, but the South African Police are investigating.

MJ 'Claims' Khan

5 Little Piggies : The Aftermath

The small town of Foot was rocked recently by the murder of beloved, 2nd little Piggie, who was found dead at the Piggies home this past Friday night. The murder scene left officers baffled behind the possible motive for such a crime. Events soon escalated after it was discovered that 5th Little Piggie was taken into custody, charged with the murder of his brother, 2nd.

Authorities have now revealed this was due to the trail of urine(wee) found leading towards the Piggies home, around the time of the apparent murder, which upon DNA analysis matched that of 5th. Close friends have said even though there was an animosity between the two, no-one could have predicted such a tragedy.

Our well wishes and condolences go out to the Piggie family at this trying time.

-Waseem 'Allegedly' Dawood-

Televised Coverage of World War 3

Welcome back to Concerning News Network with your host, MJ Khan. As we reflect on the bloodshed and destruction that has engulfed the world in the past two weeks, tonight we uncover the events leading up to what has tragically been referred to as the 'Coke Jihad'. We now cross over live to our field reporter, 'has-been' Bollywood star Kareena Kapoor who is one of the few survivors of the land which used to be known as India until last Wednesday.

MJ: Kareena, a population of over a billion people have been wiped out by the nuclear blast over Delhi last week, how many survivors are there?

Kareena: MJ, the scenes here are harrowing, I am currently standing next to the Ganges river in a land which was called Varanasi, and while the river is still as polluted as it was last month, there are now high levels of radioactive waste mixing with the ashes and raw sewage. This scene reminds me of my poor Shaheer. India will never bear another son like him.

MJ: Kareena, How did this war start?

Kareena: The war started a month ago when some individuals from a Danish terrorist group called Citizens opposed Killing Economies sent a hoax e-mail out in protest of the economic boycotts that some Muslim countries have placed on Danish products following the 'prophet Muhammed cartoon saga' in September 2005. The e-mail included a fake Coca Cola print advertisement which incensed the 1.6 billion Muslim population. This led to the burning of embassies, as well as wide scale riots in Mombasa, London, Chechnya and Houston Texas. A critical point in the saga was Monday when well known actress and humanitarian Angelina Jolie was assassinated during an AIDS awareness concert in India. This led to nuclear retaliation by America.

MJ: Can you describe the hoax advert to the viewers. Is this the first time that Coke was used to incite a particular religious or ethnic group?

Kareena: No Mj, this is not the first time that Coca-Cola was used in a malicious campaign. However, this is the first time that is was the cause of such tragedy - how i miss my little Sha-hee. The mock up print advert that was circulated had a page of the Quran on it (the quran is the Muslims holy scripture) but a sentence was modified and instead of it saying 'Kuloo nafsi Zaaikatul Maut' (Every soul shall have a taste of death), it read Kiloo Nafsi zaaikatul Coke (Every soul shall have a taste of coke)

MJ: We at Concerning News Network refuse to screen the offensive advert, as we value our muslim viewers (and our t.v studios) however, due to our vigorous defense of freedom of expression we will show the last hoax e-mail

MJ 'Claims' Khan
N.B WHILE THIS IS A WORK OF PARODY, I MUST STRESS THAT THE IMPLICATIONS ARE NOT LOST. WHILE I HAVE MADE UP THE FICTITIOUS 'EVERY SOUL' CAMPAIGN, THERE ARE MANY E-MAILS THAT ARE BEING CIRCULATED AND PEOPLE ARE FALLING FOR THEM. PLEASE VERIFY YOUR MAIL. FOR MORE ON THE 'COKE OF THE ROCK CAMPAIGN, CLICK HERE AND HERE

Queer wizard actually queer

In a news flash that has rocked the very foundations of Hogwarts, Albus Dumbledore, respected headmaster, has been posthumously outed from the closet. Just like Princess Diana, it seems Dumbledore's death has done nothing to quiet the interest in him.

One of his favorite pupils, Harry Potter had this to say. "This is just more proof of how much he hid from me, this makes a lot of sense now that I think about it, that elaborate fashion sense, his weird mannerisms, the gay porn. Damn him, this is so like him to take the spotlight even in death."

Ron Weasley, noted sidekick, expressed shock and discomfort at the news. "Blimey, never pegged Dumbledore for a fruit, I always got the heebie jeebies when I was alone in a room with him ... um not that there is anything wrong with being a battyboy or nothing."

Hermione Granger, smartest girl at Hogwarts (or insufferable know-it-all as she is known to her friends), claims she has always known this. "It was fairly obvious, I thought everyone knew and just did not want to say thing. After all he spent a 100 or so years without marrying, how gay is that"

Headmistress McGonagall still seemed a bit distraught over his death, and this news has only compounded to it causing her to ramble incoherently."It makes no sense ... I mean wasn't he ...was that why he didn't ...it is always the good ones. Damn that Grindelwald."

Aberforth, Dumbledore's estranged brother, known sexual deviant, was surprisingly accepting of this piece of news. "I always knew him and that Grindelwald feller were doing more than just magical experiments if you know what I'm saying."

-Waseem 'Allegedly' Dawood-

NB. JK Rowling actually said that she always thought of Dumbledore as gay in a reading at Carnegie Hall.

And they chatted happily ever after

History was made this weekend with the first ever couple to get married on mxit. The marriage between Badboyzn and MrsBadboyzn formerly known as Sexygirlzn took place at Durban12. It was a small affair, only seven per room, with some quite famous handles invited for the wedding. Amongst the guests where:

BadBoy4lifezn
Badgirl-zn
|34D|30Y-zn
and R()T!(H!C|{

The affair was not your usual glamorous wedding, simply incorporating their love for mxit and each other. The bride as is seen with most Indian weddings logged on half an hour later than planned after which the ceremony started. Drama ensued when badboyzn left the room without a "brb" during the all important “I do”. Rumours ran wild that the groom had second thoughts and could not go through with the ceremony, some saying the lack of picture swopping being the main reason. Luckily for Sexygirlzn, Badboyzn was not about to leave his allegedly beautiful bride at the alter, logging back just minutes later claiming he DC'ed. Shortly after the ceremony the throwing of the (f) commenced with R()T!(H!C|{ catching the bouquet, much to the chagrin of |34D|30Y-zn who just invited her to go private. As the newly married couple prepared to leave for their honeymoon Almost News was allowed a few questions. On there first meeting, it was agreed that it was love at first sentence, “He had me at asl, it was da way he sed it dat really stood out from the rest, n wen he askd me to go pvt after dat, I just knew he was da 1”. When questioned on destination, they replied in unison “JHB 23”. MrsBadboyzn then added “ We herd frm a lot of our fwends dat JHB 23 has lot of fwendwy ppl n we both hope to make lot of nu contacts.”

When asked to comment on the marriage creators of mxit released this press statement.
“We created mxit with the sole intention of creating anarchy, mxit while driving, working, school. It's a shame that it has lead to two people falling in love, we just wanted to bring about the fall of the economy. We are looking to shutdown all servers to further stifle this unforeseen reaction.”

Althafs Cuzzy Almost News Chatsworth

Robbie Williams Steps out of the Closet

British singing star and pop icon, Robbie Williams, told a packed conference in London that he is finally ready to embrace his sexuality and declared that he is gay. The singing star was previously concerned that his 80 million pound record deal with EMI would be cancelled, but was relieved when they told him last month that he can share his secret with the world.The announcement has sent shock waves across the music world as Robbie Williams is often portrayed as a red-blooded heterosexual man.

His publicist, ms Jo Khan fielded various questions after the conference. According to ms Khan, Robbie has been alluding to his sexual orientation for many years now and that he is glad he has come out of the closet. She states that in his 2001 documentary, Nobody Someday, he admits that the “brand” of Robbie Williams the pop star is fake and he feels uncomfortable about it. She also states that his popular song Rock DJ is an actuality an “ allegory of his stormy love triangle with DJ Paul Oakenfold, a popular dance DJ and former child star Macauly Culkin”. Culkin is also the focus of his hit duet with Kylie Minogue, Kids. Khan said, “ Robbie is relieved and wants to start a vigorous re-branding campaign which is more true to the real him. Amongst the various changes, Robbie wants to change the name of his 1998 album to I've been expecting you sir".

Long time fan of Robbie Williams, ms Q Daya said “ I am glad that Robbie finally came out of the closet. He has been really depressed recently”. Robbie’s various addictions are well publicized and are now believed to be part of his way of dealing with his former persona. The cheeky superstar was all smiles when he told the horde of journalists present at the conference that he likes to ‘take it up the batty”, a popular British slang used to describe a sexual act. When asked which musicians he fancied, Robbie said that he would love to “get it on with the entire ensemble of Ladysmith Black Mambazo”, a popular Academy Award winning South African choir. His latest album Intensive Care, a reference to Intensive Care Vaseline is one of the biggest selling albums of 2005 achieving No 1 status in 18 countries.

MJ 'claims' Khan

Time with God goes into overtime

A Muslim priest has apologised for over-running the normal duration of Friday's midday prayer. Despite receiving many pointed stares at the clock, as well as what can only be described as meaningful throat clearings, Muslim priest Mohammed continued his lecture for an extra two minutes. Many prominent business owners expressed silent outrage, followed by some louder grumbles while leaving the mosque.

Restaurant owner, Mohammed said "I sacrifice my 5 minutes for this weekly prayer, so I can't afford those extra minutes, a minute wasted is a customer lost".

An elderly shoe shop owner, Mohamed commented that "In my day we used to have twice the prayer in half the time, these extra minutes show a blatant disregard for my shoe shop ... Asmals, Cathedral Road, finest shoes for the finest prices."

Not everyone was against the lengthy prayer though. "I work for a company, and the longer I spend in prayer is more time I don't have to be back at the office," said Mohammed, salesman at Mr Price, who was then promptly stoned.

Another mosque regular had another complaint, "I don't mind the going over time, but where is the biryani?" asks Mohamed.

-Waseem 'Allegedly' Dawood-